IntotheSun

2010-11-04T08:51:00.001-07:00

شفتيه....شفتيه...
ارسمها بالاحلام...
و عينه....عينيه....
اتيه فيها الى عالم الغزل...
حلم يطوف في خيال بعيد...
يبتسم كملاك حنون وسيم
و شعره....شعره ريح...
و جسمه و شفتيه...شفتيه ريح عاصفة تهب بوجهي.... قبل ساخنة!
اتألم...
كفاك ....كفاك ياحلم...
انزل انزل هنا...
و تجسد لي و قل لي ها انا موجود!
انزل و خذ بيدي و انا كرهت الدنيا
خذنى الى عالم الازل.....
الحلم...
لابقى دفينة حبك بعيدا عن الخيال....

موعد مع الاشجان

2010-09-28T05:43:00.000-07:00

ناديت باسم الوطن قالوا لي مات

صرخت باسم الام قالوا لي الوقت قد حان

ركظت وراء ظل الشجر فقالو لي الطوفان غلبك

ناديت باسم الحب قالوا لي قد فجر

ناديت باسمي…فرح…. قالوا لي قد غيرته الاحزان

فمات ماكان و انحرقت الجدران

فلا داعي لسجون السجان…

و حتى كأسي انسكب

على الورق

و الحبر نشف على قلبي السكران

و ما احس….سوى التوهان…

تائه في سجون بلا حيطان
فلا داعي لسجون السجان
و حتى قبلة الشغف
انجرفت و اندثرت الى النسيان

فماتت قبلتى على تراب الاوطان
و تركت همسة حبي له نغمة تغنيها الاحفاد
و تلك الشجرة الحنونة بظلها
انقلعت مع الطوفان
مع الطوفان
و انا سوى ذكرى
في عالم النسيان
فماتت قبلتى على تراب الاوطان
و تركت همسة حبي له نغمة تغنيها الاحفاد
و تلك الشجرة الحنونة بظلها انقلعت مع الطوفان
مع الطوفان
و انا سوى ذكرى
في عالم النسيان

Until I reach Nirvana…

2010-06-04T22:42:00.001-07:00

The vociferous agitation no longer materializes into telephone calls to mom and close friends venting of how the disaster has hit, or how has the negative comment of bad souls hurt my very poetic essence…but now, the irritable angriness is kept inside, in an internal burning furnace I call mine, surrounded and shielded with my own medications made of my strong soul.
Now I know I have became mature, now I know that I absorb but react with great calculated mutiny if needed, and cry but in an acquiescent voice I call serenity.
It is kept and dealt by me solely, I know where my ship wants to sail, and I know how I need to feed those chirping free birds so they can fly higher.
And I know this eternal, internal furnace will stay, but can at times be put off with the gentleness of beauty of heavens and earth, of inspiration and reality, and the very strength to look forward from an optimist lens that tomorrow I can have a whole green garden inside me, I call peace.

The long-term fallacy.

2010-06-02T00:03:00.000-07:00

It was one hot morning, we were walking together on the beach barefooted, wearing the same denim shorts we bought together, and all I feel is peace when I recollect our moments together unifying us in one clamped solitude… we were friends.
The beach that we went to discover together to our surprise was variant in colors to include dirty dark green that reminded me of fungi, beautiful mesmerizing turquoise, and angry dark oceanic blue.
And it was a strange beach that reminded me of how rough life can be, but with some added mysterious beauty, there was nothing gradual about it; the land crust of its shallow shore did not extend its arms much to the faint-hearted, only to have a sudden deep dive almost in less than one meter in some instances, but I loved it.
I hurriedly called off my beach walk with her and took off my shorts and top and swam. But my friend with her wide-brim hat concealing her sensitive skin, kept on walking as she came underprepared for a swim…she did not wear her bottom bikini under the shorts, and despite my many requests that it is ok to swim with the shorts, but she did not.
She enjoyed looking at cute little tiny fishes. Long time ago I used to like the zoo.
We are different, I am crazy and act according to the spur of the moment, and she is this demure lady with low voice and gracious acquiescent smile, but we do meet in many similar moods and modes, and what I like the most, even during our ultimate differences, and complete silence, we enjoy each other’s company, and nothing feels at odd or odd.
But when we called our early morning beach discovery journey to an end to head back to the office, and after settling in her convertible car listening as usual to her great fusion of music collection, we started talking about guys! We discovered our similarity, we have the same taste in men, and did not understand how can George Clooney be rated as ‘hottie’, in addition to his sad dating record of being a womenizer which we both despised.
Yeah, not that everyone should be a monogamous person, and I understand that marriage is not for everyone, its just we both did not like him, and we shared the same bias.
I thought… it was the right moment to further our commitment, and filter our friendship from any girl to girl jealousy. I felt that we needed the talk …of the friendship contract.
“I do not know, if I am going to appear as unromantic, I do not fight about men, because it is a choice, so if he likes you I would not really care, that is life, and people have to move on,” I said.
“Oh no, I would never do that, and I would not go for it,” she replied with concern, however not commenting on the ‘unromantic’ part.
“I am saying this, because I will take my chances, I am sorry,” I said laughingly, adding, “I guess, we can not give each other sex or babies, I can give you 50-75 percent happiness, but how about the rest, so I would want you to be happy, and I expect the same from you.”
“I think you are right, you are being realistic,” she replied.
I overlooked her fast conviction of my argument, but I do understand those eyes of hers, they have this subtle sadness….after all, we are friends that understand each other, but I do understand that nothing is long-term, and I am up for a deep dive any time life needs me to, I thin I grew wiser to believe in the long-term fallacy and in any aspect in life. Maybe, this long-term we define is a set of short-terms, and maybe this long-run we perceive is a set of mutated dramatic short-runs.

Chocolate is for pussies.

2010-05-19T02:23:00.000-07:00

Modern warriors no longer wear helmets and carry engraved scars on their demolished skin and anatomy, rather those modern fighters are the best dressed, with vitamin-c moisturized skin, donning their best fearless smiles in the worst times.
And they do not fume anger, at least in the presence of others, as they want to signal self-discipline and self-control. Putting their ultimate zealous-defiance upfront is a priority, to not let the quagmire bog them down further in the slump.
These warriors do not use swords to thrust it into their enemies; it is their computerized gadgets they use to re-align their strategic defense, and marketing campaigns to clean mirror images of their polished positive, entrepreneurial spirits.
They are the go-getters, with no time to question themselves.
Their weapon of defense and attack lies solely in their capability to think ‘straight’, excised from any emotional beating amid fiery situations.
Are they robots?
No, but they have became like advanced technology, with think-tank rational backing up their system to settle from the chaos to stability, after all their fight is the continuous mind-discipline to think – positive – all the time, at all costs.
Their scars are of an interior type, hidden inside their inside, blocked and deleted for anyone to see.
The solemn, quiet, non-reactionary inside of these warriors is what makes them rational.
After all, who needs emotions when they are the ultimate downfall for anyone to ascend the corporate-ladder or even in the modern-day romance.
If they ever want to hit with their cruise missiles, be sure that they hit the targeted location with their strained and constrained minds to squeeze refined creativity in the intangible war of ideas.

Interesting.

2010-03-08T01:00:00.001-08:00

Many of the human species make experiences as the factorial multiples of a person’s magnitude of being ‘interesting’ or otherwise.
There are some that send their rancor, that a certain set of individuals have lived along a certain scheme of arrangements, and they do not trespass the boundary of monotony, and simpleton thinking which itself can never out bound the conventional.
I found it ‘interesting’ whether or not it is really the experience that heralds a ‘distinguished’ person among others. Of course no one can ever argue that one simple experience can add one thousand meaningless jargons to be of a soulful, changing, thoughtful one nevertheless.
However, the question begs itself, can there be an ‘interesting’ person located in a limited zone interacting with such zone’s limited experience, or there is always a possibility that a simple thought can give to the progeny of thousands of invigorating thought processes, which can one day be grandpas, heralding the wrath of the younger thought generation yet to bring another new disagreeing generation.
I believe, what makes a person ‘interesting’ is not exactly the Ibn Batutta stories she shares, however the critical thinking she carries regardless of her location, it can include her while she is sitting on the toilet proving her very mortal being.
The ultimate question then, what makes some to have critical thinking while others cannot uphold the minimal requirement of its logical processes.
Of course, societies with a wider set of freedoms will entertain a higher number of people of critical thinking skills. Their critical thinking can even be entertained quite unconsciously for the freedom they enjoy.
It is simple, in a closed society all those ‘interesting’ questions will go down the drain in the name of hearsay and trespassing the very imposed union of family and social norms. It is even the fear that makes such free critical thinkers to fear their very own selves!
All in all, I take a rather Marxist take, the world is under the procession and construction towards great enlightenment, I do believe however that it will never be achievable, but this is the real ‘interesting’ engine that keeps us progressing forward.
And whoever ‘interesting’ is the one that stands a great sentinel of her own ‘critical mind’, and what is even ‘interesting’ is to see Iraq’s election results! Hmmmm could it be that Iraq’s head-turban experience can lead to a secular party winning or having more seats!
I hope next time to discuss science vs. social science differing critical skills, and if there is a difference anyways, I guess I was tired of my computer science sister to call my logical reasoning an embryo drunk with poisonous acid hence to the level of retardation.

2009-11-18T13:23:00.000-08:00

It has been such a long time.....I thought I would not write anything again.....:)

أقرأ فنجاني فأرى عاصفة و نمل دئوب و ريحان
أقرأ كفي فأرى زلازل و طوفان و مآسي
و أقرأ جريدتي فأرى الحبر المطبوع يشعل نيراني
و أتقلب...و أنحني بأفكاري لأتلق لسماع الاوتار....
لكني أسمع بطرب الاحزان...
و أغني بإسم عبد الحليم و بقلم قباني
و أغني...
وأغني...مندفعةً....ملهمةً....منطلقةً
و بطرب شجن الوجداني....
مسدود ....طريقك مسدود...يا....
أتوقف و أرى بطرف عيني الغارق...و جفني المتبلل – فنجاني –
لأرى...
ورود تبخرت و نخيل أثمر بحجار...
و بحصى ..........و أعاود لأغني.....أغني......فأنا مفعمة
منجرفة و محبة لأوتار و إيقاع الحياة....
مسدود.....مسدود طريقك يا....
و أتلعثم...
يا إبنتي...
...........

ها أنا أتعثر و أتلعثم
و أكتب بدمي سيرة حبي المفقودة
ها أنا عارية...
من غزل و حب و قبلة باتت اقدم من ماضي مضى
مسحته الامطار
ها أنا...
أقلب صفحات حياتي
لأرى لعبة الشطرنج ألعبها مع الاقدار...
فهل يا ترى سوف أغني بعلم نابغة الذبياني...
فهل يا ترى أقوى و أتصلب لاصبح عشتار....
...............
أشطب...أغير.. أمسح...و أكتب...
فأنا منهمكة بالكتابة على سطوح جوفي....
لكن المساحة أصغر مما كنت أتصور
فأردت أن أرسم وردة و شجرة و أثمار
و أصبغها بألحان القيثار
و أدغدغها بحب الإيثار
و لكني و جدت أقواس و بسامير و حيطان مهددة بالإنحطام
و قنابل و حروب و حصار...

حصار
حصار
حصار
فهل من الممكن أن ألعب لعبة الشطرنج مع الاقدار؟

..................

مال....و إلتوى طريقي...
فسكبت قهوتي على جريدتي...
و قبلت كفي – وجه و قفا - لأحمد ربي
ها أنا في الحياة
إمرأة
إمرأة
و أتحدى الرجال
و الاقدار
و بصبغة قهوتي أرسم مستقبل الاوطاني
مجاهدة بحرية و اشرب كأسي لا أبالي
معاصرة
متحررة
فكري نور طريقي
و في جوفي رسمت وردة بتصميمي
و سوف تبقى حية ترزق فماءها و شمسها من حناني
و إصراري...
لأعيش.....لأعيش و في جوفي وردة
و أنا إمرأة

2009-05-21T22:43:00.001-07:00

I was trying to write depth, but my ink did not even sink in the shallow pit, my pen no longer holds the paper in pain, nor kisses any line with the red passionate flames. I sit here, down beneath all of the pits, down in the ground covered by gravels and sealed with cement, my shouts rebound, anguish can not be ceased, I can not reflect nor exhume my intellect... for my flesh can not speak its past, his kisses were smothered and forgotten and no longer work the magic like -our- past, my professional attire is redundantly hung for a painful scene that of my unemployed hands...oh I look at these hands, amid the shades, behind the sun, sun burned, nail polished, refined, dull, have died, for it does not fondle with affection to him, nor produces industrial mechanics for them....

2009-01-17T14:44:00.000-08:00

Kissinger to Rabin

"I ask Rabin to make concessions , and he says he can't because Israel is weak. So then I give him more arms, and then he says he doesn't need to make concessions because Israel is strong".

I got the above quote from a newly purchased book - The Israel Lobby and the US foreign policy , and I can't wait to finish reading it.

Ah, god, I thought the quote was hilarious, although reality is dreadful and bloody, and I do feel regreful for not going to the protest with my sister in Montreal.

Anyways, thank goodness, there is ceasefire now, and alah yir7am ili matawo, ameen....

To my dear girl :

2009-01-09T21:56:00.000-08:00

The liberated will need you to be screened through the stipulated act of sex, to check the limbs, size and hips, and the conservative want a stamp seal of the hymen is not destruct, even if she
reached the fermentation brink of late twenties, virginity is a must.
With the ultimate extremism that diffuse through men, contradictions seep through his penile existence. Different contradictory attribute must be found in you, and certain mixed proportions
has to be you, or made by you, my dear you have to know how the game is played, man is a chess game to be played, save your queen...your queen....
Extreme intelligence and intellect they seek but not over his reign of supreme control. That play girl and overt sexual wants they seek but not as obscene, she has to be shy and demure.. you milk shake, white and pure, but a vessel of sperms, you horny, you poor.
They seek in you sensitivity but not love, power but not weakness, love but not marriage,marriage but not love, contradiction lay in man...
...they calm you down in the name of modernization, and attract liberation to sway your temptation to meet his penile desire, and you wonder, why it is all lies, lies , lies...it is never past, present or future, it innate nature...
And it is only mixed proportions of contradictory diplomatic affairs....and you wonder why man, never solved war....war is man, and man is war of contradictions...they tell you to embrace your age, when they take you young over your old age...
You were brought up with virtues of honesty, bravery and principles, but when the heartache begins, you know that you offered the utmost idealism and honesty of all, and you forgot war is man, and man is war of contradictions...
you think attraction is spontaneous, and all the natural chemistry of two civilized beings, you mistaken, attraction is politics of hide and seek and the use of imagination to obstruct reality...Reality for man does not see romance in daylight, only through beams of illusions bestowed from the godly concubines above...
How can you be obvious in politics, you loose, how can you not use tactics and diplomacy to refute, so is the case of war and man is war of contractions....
you want your heart to speak in truth, you want your hands to stretch in liberty to his use, you want to reach deep in your feminine side, you want to give and give and love... I then apologize for your idealists shortcoming for he is an animal, he would not understand truthful civilization, he wants the game, the challenge, the risk, the caveman life... the exception are only for the enlightened, kind ones, and you can count few, almost a myth ....

However, for the beloved I apologize, for I know him kind to my bosom and my heart ....but now, I must admit I despise men, how can a rational human communicate to pure animal instincts...So my dear girl, grow your tactics, wear your feminine garments, be the queen of all and know the game early on...it is deception!

I drink Iraqi nationalism

2009-01-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

Two Middle Eastern countries bogged down in muddles of mud, one I come from, the other is a brethren nation of Arabs just like me.

Both share the same news of raucous blood smeared on TV screens. So the call of civil demonstration is as vociferous as the pain of the silent, mute, insignificant Arab corpses, and the sounds of rockets, bombs are the cheerleaders to cheer my steps to go and protest the injustice.

I am human I sympathise. But beneath the layers of what makes me an Iraqi my march rewinds and passes through the oblivions, I feel apathetic.

I hear the sound of vengeances of Halabja in 1981- 6000 dead, chemically gassed, no protest of their unimportant death.

They cheered Saddam’s mongol invasion on Kuwait. No one protested to lift the sanctions from the Iraqis; the sanctions resulted in one million Iraqi child, and the price was worth it according to Albright. I heard no protest of our worth! The post 2003 invasion, even though throngs, crowds and thousands of Iraqis welcomed the invaders and others resisted them on Iraqi dead bodies. No unified protest was organized to send a message of anger due to the high number of Iraqi deaths, no protest to unify Shi’as and Sunnis from a regional Arab spirit.

But there is the tick button, the US , the stimulator of the crowds to protest and attend their right to express and attuned their consciousness to justice, and most likely Al Zaydi’s shoe symbol is used.

The mass graves, the dead buried beneath the sand are long forgotten. “Oh you Iraqis never tried to topple Saddam,” I remember my Lebanese friend uttering unlearned history of not knowing our Iraqi history, for him and especially as he was a Hizbalah Shi’a , the 1991 uprising sunk down in the gutter, forgetting our resistance against the Ba’ath from the South to the North , to take our fate with our hands, with much hope, America supplied the helicopters for Saddam to suppress the uprising!

Leave that alone, I think I can forgive, and I sympathize and I do feel my blood is almost taking the form of diffused steam when I see what is happening in Ghaza.

But my march to protest the injustice, will it ever lead to somewhere? Do I come from an Arab entity that is strong and smart enough to take its fate with its own hands?
I am against emotionalism now, I find it meaningless, and just as we march and protest more are dead not just in Palestine but also in Iraq!

Maybe if I ever go tomorrow, I would like to express the message “Stop killing our Children too, Iraqi children”.

The last in my tribe

2008-12-17T10:23:00.000-08:00

I want an academic, analytical mode to ensconce my remaining brain neurons other than the mind's ardent desire to envisage wild rolling in the hay and gravy. Oh the pleasures of the world you are such a trick! Oh lonely spinsters how can you do it, oh erudite of knowledge how can you preoccupy yourself with the sole of human's curiosity ever so independently. Is it the scarce of passion or the abundance of passion that leads human procession, never is it the median of all things middle, ever?
I ponder my remaining brain neurons on a corpse of a red rose that of lost love, I cry over my growth ever so stunt in imagination, I can not write,in worlds I can never enter, in knowledge I can never decipher, only the touch, the smudge of killer red lipstick on his neck and lips. I wallow in the den of my ancient tribe seeking the heart's knowledge and feeds to my inner soul...I am the last lost shrew of my tribe, let my dither of where I belong die, Die, so I can ponder Plato and Pythagoras.

2008-12-07T20:28:00.001-08:00

On a pillow,

lived a tear,

on a pillow,

the asserted fear,

On a pillow,

A secret scribble....

of words utter....

incomprehensible tatters,

like a torn fluff of pillow's feathers,

scattered in space,

like wishful dreams,

attached in voidness,

and just belong high up,

on ink clouds,

pouring red scribble,

of heartaches.

on a pillow,

warmth of mother's womb,

is gone,

on a pillow,

a lover's kiss,

is lost,

in tears....like wishful dreams....

on a pillow....

Just not so pleasurable

2008-11-19T20:37:00.001-08:00

When comparing past and present, nothing that boggles my mind more than the anthropological , sexual and cultural behavior of the people of the Middle East.
Not only did ancient Arabs before Islam circled around Mecca bare and naked, but red flags on tents were the symbol and the emblem of women desire and request for sexual intercourse. I pity all the spinsters who hit thirty nowadays and never had any sexual encounter of any sort. I have no idea of how some one do it, I mean not do it, thirty something and never been kissed, maybe the promise of heaven, maybe its part of the package coming from a seclude, innocence-glamorized type of culture!
But more than ancient Arabians, there were the Sumerians, Assyrians, and even Phoenicians women whom due to religious and customary habits, made-available that of their bodies and vaginas to temple gods, to have sex prior marriage!
Compared to nowadays, the first encounter must be with the husband, and those blood splotches are not only important but the evidence of honour! It is crazy that some women not so long time ago, would not even know what exactly sex is, or would not even recognize the physical appearance of a male phallus. A lot will suffer thinking of how they can take such foreign body in their first wedding night, after years of indoctrinated, excessive sexual estrangement!
Did those ancient Middle Easterners thought it was important for women to have training and qualifications before dispatching them as loyal wives? Did quality sex really mattered? What happened!
I have no idea, did men taste change, before maybe they wanted a somewhat experienced women, later virgin and holy was their requirements? Do we only evolve under the male-dominance reign of power which heralds sexual fulfillment to men more than women, hence, four wives. Though I must admit Arabia's red flags did win the title of freedom, liberty in pursuit of sexual pleasures, though some baby girls were all gone under the crime of infanticide.
Now fragments of male-power is still a reality to dissect, Iraq now wants to mimic Kurdistan's move of prohibiting the four wives issue, even though the husband by law has to get the consent of his first wife, but it seems equal rights are somewhat wanted in that country. What is even funny Kurdistan still has problem with honour killing crimes. I guess nothing is perfect for us women! To be political correct Honour Crime is still not only a cultural problem but also a judicial, constitutional problem; maximum sentence is only six months for the murderer father/husband/brother, almost ALL over the Islamic Uma. It must be noted you can not do that in Islam, it is more of a backward cultural disaster that is not constitutionally challenged until now.
Now, here are some goodies I found while browsing
why is it men are mostly the choosers and not women?
“I.196: Of their customs, whereof I shall now proceed to give an account, the following (which I understand belongs to them in common with the Illyrian tribe of the Eneti) is the wisest in my judgment. Once a year in each village the maidens of age to marry were collected all together into one place; while the men stood round them in a circle. Then a herald called up the damsels one by one, and offered them for sale. He began with the most beautiful. When she was sold for no small sum of money, he offered for sale the one who came next to her in beauty. All of them were sold to be wives. The richest of the Babylonians who wished to wed bid against each other for the loveliest maidens, while the humbler wife-seekers, who were indifferent about beauty, took the more homely damsels with marriage-portions.”
And I really pity “ugly women” , and Silver coins can never be rejected, huh, what if she did not want him, oh how holly Ishtar said so!
“I.199: The Babylonians have one most shameful custom. Every woman born in the country must once in her life go and sit down in the precinct of Venus [Ishtar], and there consort with a stranger. Many of the wealthier sort, who are too proud to mix with the others, drive in covered carriages to the precinct, followed by a goodly train of attendants, and there take their station. But the larger number seat themselves within the holy enclosure with wreaths of string about their heads---and here there is always a great crowd, some coming and others going; lines of cord mark out paths in all directions the women, and the strangers pass along them to make their choice. A woman who has once taken her seat is not allowed to return home till one of the strangers throws a silver coin into her lap, and takes her with him beyond the holy ground. When he throws the coin he says these words: "The goddess Mylitta prosper you" (Venus is called Mylitta by the Assyrians.) The silver coin may be of any size; it cannot be refused, for that is forbidden by the law, since once thrown it is sacred. The woman goes with the first man who throws her money, and rejects no one. When she has gone with him, and so satisfied the goddess, she returns home, and from that time forth no gift however great will prevail with her. Such of the women as are tall and beautiful are soon released, but others who are ugly have to stay a long time before they can fulfil the law. Some have waited three or four years in the precinct. A custom very much like this is found also in certain parts of the island of Cyprus."

Oh apparently, ahal Cyprus have tishreeb bagila too in their diet :D

From here http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ancient/greek-babylon.html

Making wrong decisions all the time.

2008-11-12T15:18:00.001-08:00

So it has been six months or better HALF a year since I came back from the UAE. I can not believe how fast time goes by.
I spent it by applying for jobs, relaxing, and later studying for the GMAT. I was at first quite excited that I returned back, no more traffic jam, ridiculous heat, the conservative Sharjah and their lurking men, bad odors, classicism, and of course to recharge some energy.
I thought my experience I gained in Dubai, will land me a lucrative job in no time, I thought my relationship with everyone will reach to a higher sincere, understanding level.
But here I am, with the prospect of having a promising offer , career wise! But why is it when real things happen I start getting cold feet and not commit to it. I am so immature, now I am thinking of more than ever to return back to Dubai -UAE.
Reasons being are all emotional, and not concrete rationality, I really can not stand my father, again. I am not talking to my elder sister. And I can not stand my youngest sister's immature and childish stupidity. I feel way too old to live with them again, I hate asking for permission to go out, even though my curfew time has expanded with promising liberty.
Though last month was the hardest, I could not stand this town, the people, the redundant everything. The lack of ambition, the unsophisticated people I met, the PHDs immigrants with no jobs, and not much of decent Iraqis either.
I want to flee back, as if I am a refugee, back to the thriving social life, meeting far more successful entrepreneurs and creatives, the lounges, the more Arab guys, Budha Bar, the quality of Iraqis I meet there...I can volunteer while working, the UN has a headquarter there, and there is always something happening.
But why did I leave? I thought I really wanted Canada back. But my apathetic feelings towards Canada submerged and floated like some oblivious trash on the sea shore, such climax happened during my one week stay in Toronto. I felt the lifelessness of my own , maybe I did not meet the right people, but it did not get me or I go it, but again I am measuring things according to feelings, or fake feelings, since the real bonding with places happen through people and real career!
So I started lamenting my utterly stupid decision of coming back, I felt so stupid , after all the hard work, I left my established contacts, and people that have became close to me!
It seems I am just looking for that sense of belonging, I do not want to be negative, but the ground I walk on ever since I left Iraq, has sprouted into my sprigs there and there, and my mind is nothing but a fuzzy, confused, bogged-down, futile instrument of mixed feelings.
Though talked with my mother, it is better to earn what I have just earned and finally get my Canadian job, and then go back with an added Canadian experience to work in the UAE , again!
But I will be 26 something, close to 27, and still with no stability, and jeopardizing the higher probability of meeting the right guy there in the UAE.
In the same time, it is time to settle in and shut the hell up! Though I miss greatly, the social life there, and prospects of me finding a decent Iraqi guy in here is much less compared to Dubai, but again most of my female friends are still single all over the globe.
Maybe, my pillar of conduct should be mere rationality and nothing else, and I really want to marry my career, I have this great thirst to gain career success more than anything else, and sense to toss my prisoner the biological clock out of the window and be free, rational and creative!
The I should circumvent my feelings and fears, and do what I need to do. Maybe that is just maturity.

Harbingers to Middle East/Arab democracy:

2008-10-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

Oct 16

Sectarianism or the natural sectarianism from Islam's two main branches Sunni and Shi'a Islam. The reason is not only political but also ideological/theological. If reconciliation keeps on being missing, there won't never be any stability, only turbulences.

The Palestinian problem/Zionism.

Oil in the Middle East. Why Iraq? It might sound like conspiracy theory, but it was an invasion, why not ousting Zimbabwe's dictator?

Is Islam compatible with democracy? Can Islam allow separation of religion and state ?

Instability halts research and technological advancements, therefore less jobs and more brain drainage, and far more dependency on foreign imported technology.

Disintegration, separatism, vengeance, hatred, unemployment makes a weaker region, therefore alliances with the devil at times is a must.

Right wing conservative American policies, and of course fundamental Christians.
Stupid people/voters on both the regional and the international realms.

I think the main two is Islam's polemics on its two theological differences of Sunnism and Shi'asm, and the Palestinian problem.
With the former, we definitely need far more historical review to reach reconciliation, however the later is rather more powerful than our meager, degenerating weakness.
So what can we do ?
The Gulf is concentrating more than ever on investment, and money making, with UAE in the lead, it is now the glamourous trade hub in the region.
Iran with all the restriction has a potential of being a producer of technology, with its resilient nuclear enrichment, however its values not only undemocratic but holds a great threat to other M.E. countries, infamously over Iraq.
Egypt the exporter of culture, movies, and music, sits on a heated belt of social problems and is only a minute away ,ready to vote for the Brotherhood!
It seems our only chance in democracy is money and investments, we are allowed of free entrepreneurship as the big powers are capitalist, however our civic and political rights won't be earned with money, but with our brains, history review and reconciliation, and mitigating or even deleting fundamental Islam.

Miscellaneous impressions - Canada - UAE

2008-08-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

After two weeks of getting back to my hometown, surprise surprise, one of my old uni mates is still in town, we decided to go to some west-side pub for a laid-back, relaxing chill . God one of those things I truly missed when I was in the UAE. The area me and K went to was in the ghetto, the awesome west-side; it was the place I used to live during my university days.

I had a strange feeling, first I missed the place, and it made me proud that one of Canada's small cities' ghetto is actually a thriving, culturally- rich , nicely designed area compared to many many highly perceived places of this poor world. I felt as if I just started to know the place again, even when comparing this place to other Canadian spots, it actually stands out.

This area has a huge number of infested pubs all around, and it felt almost surrealism, that I am going to an affordable, close to home pub, what's more, it does not have to be in a hotel, and one can sit on the outside.

In Dubai, one can only get drinks in hotel joints, this has its disadvantages, but I can never forget Khaleej Palace's hotel lounge, the epitome of ethereal class and coziness, a place where you can have your wine , pistachios and have a nice chat with friends over low, soft music and gentle, dim- lights flickering. And it is something I won't get to experience in my blue-collar, small city. Though after many encounters with old uni friends, the curve for wanting my Heineken decreased quite aggressively , especially and quite particularly after I met my beloved friend M, a heavy drinker, and who also pitied my downfall as an unemployed person, so she kept buying me shots. So now, I reached my saturation point, and I am done with the booze, I decided to quit three weeks ago, though I did not crack the news to M, poor her, I am her third friend who stopped drinking. But the decision might not be so incessantly binding, though I feel I am done with alcohol.

But after many encounters with old friends, I can not but notice the sparkles, in their eyes, “you went to Dubai!”

Dubai became almost synonymous with big cities' names such as Tokyo, New York, and London.

And I remember when I was with my friend K in the west-side,the busy bustling bartender, who had the aura of wanting to ignore the customers' re-iterated chatter, changed features when K was talking about Dubai with him, it is like an open window to leave re-iterated localism, and more breath of fresh internationalism. The bartender looked relieved for having such particular and perpendicular talk on Dubai.... yet another person moving to Dubai, leaving the dwindling riches.

I must admit, with all the economical slow-down in Canada, Canadian's are still the nicest, friendliest, most behaved people on planet earth, sorry if that comes off as exaggeration, but at many stops in UAE, UK, France , I would have fired many of their sales representatives on the spot, not for their lack of facial expression such as a smile, but for the very fact for being shity at what they do supposedly -best-

I remember my first eating out experience in a pizza place in Canada, the waitress was this cute, pregnant Canadian whose smile I would not substitute for any waitress somewhere else, I was bewildered, and exactly I knew that I am back home. I will never forget those two stiff-faced, cold-blooded British ladies, though I must admit, those are the oddballs, but the chances are far less slim in Canada, so imagine.

I am glad that I am back to Canada, services are easy to get, everything is organized and well planned, there is no stark manifestation of class division, and everyone gets paid according to their qualifications and not place of origin. There is no constellation of a monotonous group clustered in a failed public transportation system, there is no stomach cramps occurring from excessive passings from extremely cold air-conditioned places to extreme hotness and humidity, there is no shortage of taxis, and it is not an privilege to get a taxi in a split second, and there is not silly federal laws.......in UAE, given the shortage of taxis, a Dubain taxi can't pick a Sharjian who is going to Dubai, leaving a trail of wasted fuel, and more empty taxis adding to the already congested crazy traffic jam.

And in Canada, there is no pernicious, filthy smelly body odors.....and muffins are local commodities and are quite cheap, nothing beats Tim Horton's French Vanila or hot chocolate, sales are really sales, cotton quality are far superior, it is really sad that with all the high name Dubai is getting, the UAE still gets a cheap cotton quality form Turkey, yet another class division but on an international basis.

And.....Even though both in Canada and UAE girls can get their share of guys eyeballing their physique, in Canada I would not never and ever be mistaken for a prostitute, given the fact I was wearing a big huge coat that covered me really well. It was during that heavy, crazy rainy day, when it took me FIVE hours to return home, yes no sewage system in Sharjah, it was flood everywhere. I remember when I return home, it was late, a shady car, passed by, and open its door slightly, I hurried quickly, thank god nothing happened.

What's more, planning in Canada is not about resurrecting tall buildings, you do not dump and place, and buildings actually have lined-parking lots of each apartment!

And most importantly, I do not miss the traffic jam, four hours everyday wasted to commute forth and back from home to work. I took my ride at 7:15 am and came back home at 8 and sometimes 8:30 pm.

Last but not least, I miss UAE's thriving social life, the quality of Iraqis I met, and most importantly, the economic BOOM, I had a call for a job interview after four hours from sending my resume. Things are quick and dream jobs can happen on a much faster paste in the UAE, and I know for sure If I don't find any dime for me in here, I am going back straight and will bear all the odors and the hectic traffic. It is no surprise that many Westerners and naturalized citizens of western countries of Arabic origin are all there, so many Iraqi Canadians-Kiwis-British-Austrialians....I even met our Iraqi neighbors in Amman, now I am Canadian and they are now Kiwis.

And I met neighbors from Baghdad. UAE is truly the transit point of people I knew from the past or even online buddies I chatted with for a long time who by the way knew people I knew either way, real life or online, a crazy, social-interlacing chain.

After three months in Canada, I miss the exposure and the new learned experiences found in that Gulf country, I miss meeting top notch people, I miss feeling that I am part of a bigger goal, and I am way too ambitious for the slow-motion Canadian economy, Three Months of sending my resume and no ONE single interview, I truly hate how this country makes me feel, I hate doubting myself, as if I have nothing to offer. But no worries, MBA/UAE is my next target, and self-employment is my long-term business target, I will never want to be susceptible to economic down-turns, whether it is the national or the global economy, yeah I am talking big , so what!

2008-08-04T15:38:00.001-07:00

My new nickname is Shams :)

Some really Awesome Job posting!

2008-07-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

But 10 to 15 years of experience is required ! I would like to have such interesting career, careless of my outlook on globalization, but for kicks, that one interesting, boredom-routine-killer job!

Job Description

Responsibilities:

Provide analyses of critical political and economic ssues in the Middle East for stakeholders and clients who are doing work in Turkey, UAE and surrounding area.

Provide analyses of critical policy, political risk and crisis issues for private industry, commercial interests, government and non-government agencies, foundations and individuals with interests in the Middle East and in regional crisis mitigation.

Analyze macro or micro political and economic situations, warning of developing crises or providing information on a specific individual or company.

Provide written assessments of specific topics, such as the political or security situation in a country or region, regional economic trends or cultural and social issues.

Provide cost quotations based on the issue's complexity and the desired time frame for product delivery.

Provide custom-tailored presentations and lectures for decision-makers, business organizations, and community groups.

Offer multimedia presentations as well as standard transparency briefings to groups of interest.

Assists business’ in providing cross-cultural training for staff, including information on social customs and traditions and where needed, a contextual understanding of the political and religious environment of the region.

Qualifications:

Extensive knowledge of region and culture, firsthand experience a must

Ability to effectively provide information, finding and recommendations through both written and verbal methods

Analytical thinker who can respond quickly to changing landscape, while continuing to provide information to clients in a strategic manner

Able to create strong social networks

To The End

2008-06-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

Our last words...our last words are not salient, nor vivid to remember, for it did not encrypt its lost meaning on my pained heart, for meaninglessness would not add nor subtract from my torment...our last words did not end, but left its lonely trail infinite, keeping wonder not so sad, but dark, for no path I can find to explain how your soul has turned so black...... how can the first kind words I hear turn so selfishly brutal, how can love and friendship turn to be void space of nothingness.......our last words were a lost one, unfounded, unwritten, unspoken..our last words were a lonely trail, empty sand, hollow words, diluted illusions....

Our lost and last words did not belong anywhere, nor did we belong anywhere, right to hollowness, voidness, a bleak moment of history ...not existing..... a deja vu , a short dream, we lived under the summer and yellow rays of warmth, and amid a quiet winter surrealism, held each other, loved each other watching the snow melt on our skin....

our lost words was our end, for we do not know what to say to each other, any longer. Farewell my love, farewell , now in my written message I documented my lost love...and .......friendship...

The withered rose you sent,

Our End.

Radicalism is a Must.

2008-05-30T22:37:00.000-07:00

I have learned that extremism might not necessarily be extremism per se, and that is referring to whole attached negative euphemism of -extremism; only what I understand now, is that extremism is simply, whatever that is contrary to the status quo, conventionalism or changing such conventionalism.
Change is inevitable however stagnant, and it will be as such at many historical intervals, and such inertia of no change can take a while, if not years and centuries.
Maybe it does not sound correct, maybe I am trying to coin the word radical.
However, one needs to be radical to reach a certain extreme point whom the society can not accept nor fathom.
Extremism is a composite of radicalism and radicalism is the process of inventing a new thought, though not technological to facilitate laziness/costs of production into material production but it is the soul and the spirit of human freedom and discovery amid its unknown unconscious and complex changing realities than can put forth different realms of values simultaneously.

The reason that radicalism is the unacceptable breakthrough, lies behind many many reasons. It can be new, untried, scary.

For them not accepting it, it might change power structures and positions for some key people whom would not subdue to such change.
Or not being able to fathom such radical concepts, because their level of “understanding” is still stagnant at one level and they can not imagine otherwise, and also, perceptions Change Reality and ingrained values can not be seen otherwise due to fear, anxiety, life complications and not being able to freely contemplate Life and its existence therefore -curiosity is somehow ceased into the oblivion.
As crazy it is, native Americans could not visually see the European ships reaching their Shore, because they have never seen a SHIP before. Reality is not 100 percent perceived, we change reality, we change our variables yet there is something out there, but who can cope to see it...

Also, and most importantly extremism or the incipient thoughts of radicalism occur because humanity did not reach a certain interval which is the complete manifestation of itself and that understanding itself and the “truthful” values of its existence.
Knowing is always different than realizing and realizing always different than manifestation, not everyone can manifest what he/she realizes, it takes you to the next level of being AWARE.

We all have different levels of staying in touch with “reality” or what makes “reality” to us.
Even at such level of rational-industrial stage of humanity, I still think we lack behind and very very quite backward.

but how do I measure us? Not really just TV or our lack of sustainable development, I think it is the sense of my soul that feels like crying....

p.s. though Standard is a Must ....

2008-04-03T17:27:00.000-07:00

احضان الاصدقاء

ارتباك يشق طريقه في كل انحاء قلبي المرتجف, فهل من غطاء يلف لحمتي من حنية.

يا لها من مصخرة, الحنية موجودة, و العطاء الانساني المنهمر موجود و سليقتهه كلمات اصدقائي الحزينة, الفرحه , الفكاهية و المبعثرة بهجا و نيرانا في هذا الكون....... لكنها...لا ادري... لا تأتي الى القلب لتسكن ارتجافاته, و لا تسد تشققاته التي باتت تمدد الى شتى الاتجهات, ليبقى قلبي اشلاء لحمة اصدقاثي المتبعثرة ما بعد التذكرة........ كلماتهم و جملهم و حكاياتهم التي اعشقها ...لكنها....هذي الكلمات لا تروي تشققاتي لتجعل مني ارض خصبا, سوي ارض ناشفة و غير قادرة للبكاء لتروي بدموعها ارض قلبي.

ن. يا صديقتي, يا لك من روح عبرة, يا للك من شعلة ذكاء كبرة, و يا لروحك الحالمة الواقعية.... قلبك في المثل والاحلام و راسك بكتب تقارير هموم الايتام.
و يا ع., من صمم قلبك هو الرحمان و من قاس صبرك لاستوقفت امواج البحر انكساراتها الغابرة لشحة المحيطات, يا ع., روحك الخيرة النظيفة تبقي شمعة الامل, الالهام لتنير دربي في كل الايام, في العتمة و الضياء.

ي., يا جندي العراق المجهول, يا فتى لم تكشف الايام نخوتهة و يا ايها الصبي الناضج و سبقت ايامك بالتفكير.

و يا ر., يا بهجة النكات و الكلام , و تدفقات حركات عفوية...يا حركة الصبا و نبض الاحساس المفعم بالحيوية.

. ما تبقى سوى, هي لحظات وداع و سوف ارتوي حب الاصدقاء عندما احضنهم و ارتشف من دفئهم لاتذكر ذكرياتنا و ابتسم نحو دربي الى الامام.

اصدقاء العمر

اعرف سوف لم احضن اخواني ....لا ابالي فهم بالقلب.

الى الامام.........ابتسم !

Dating and facebook.

2008-03-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

Never add or tell a guy you dating that you have a facebook account or that he should acquire one. A guy with no facebook account is a blessing!

Now..Beware! Girls' double standards are on the way, but let me be, god bless feminism :D

Facebookers and them being males is one combination that does not pass the attractiveness test for me, something I have discovered lately but it is such a turn-off! And no matter what their age, status or "maturity" level, they will still be questionable no matter what, especially if they are married, oh how I despise the info filling "married" but interested in "women", despicable!
Adding fuel to fire, Facebook also and somehow takes from the manliness factor and I would rather have him rugged, with automobile oils all over his torn, messy hair, half naked, washed out jeans fixing, some car! Ok I am fantasizing in here, ignore :D

One guy who seem to top the scale of all the guys I have met in the UAE – marriage wise- have joined facebook under the auspices and encouragement of ehem, me…(what was I thinking! ) And it created blackout and a communication gap between us, and only now we are catching up, when it is time for me to go.

Not only he viewed some flirtatious and damn cute remark of a guy I knew from university whom I have long lost in touch with, or a guy I have met randomly in my –real- life and somehow decided out of the blue and at some point to send me a cat icon gift but never bothered to be interested when we met in "real life" but also, guys who think they are my real friends or I am their real friend, and give me a shout of "how am I doing and how are my parents doing?", even if they have never met my parents and do not even know that I have relocated to the UAE a year ago!

Facebook and the internet gives guys the courage to speak out more and communicate with females on a higher level more so than real life, I have two guys (my two main crushes in my life so far) who have admitted likeness to me on the net but they could not have done it real life and these guys are considered personable and strong. But this lack of courage and spontaneous behaviour really makes female lives rather dull and boring.

But really, due to this abrupt, out of no where remarks from obscure guys I have met back in the Richard the Lion times, can deter serious relationships from budding and blossoming.
Facebook really gives my social life a fake "facelift" that I am all about and all going, but it is really fake remarks and comments from people who I did not seen ever since the ice age, that can screw dating potentials by creating mistrust and suspicion.

Nevertheless, it can be a real challenge for the two warring genders, to weave trust from all the fakeness, and even though it created discrepancies with this "potential", it also somehow taught him to trust me.

Double standards

2008-03-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

Double standards are everywhere, but I find it most prominent in the Islamic/Arab region.
And it is worst, when people whose most valuable efforts are to give "religious wisdom". Those religious men and women, I find their double standards to be the most irking and frustrating ones, maybe because it appears to be more than hypocrisy!!!

A relative of mine is so religious, he forbids his kids to listen to music, for him it is a big haram, he scrutinizes what his daughters wear before they leave the house just in case something was tight, he switches t.v. whenever there is a song playing, or too much female skin is showing.
He did not buy his daughter the mp3 only when she promised that she will only listen to Quran and anasheed.
One of his sons, a Metallica loving person, and on top of that, he listens to radio music, he as well forbids his sister to listen to music. It feels that such double standard is creating some new found rights under the absentee of the father's knowledge for the son, as well creating further gender biased double standards, though in a very twisted, retarted way.
The son smokes, and his haram doing, is not allowed to be done by his sister, of course she is not interested in that, but they had an argument once, she told him "you do not let me to listen to music but you smoke and listen to music". Of course for him, he is protecting his younger sister and he is being wise, and yeah he smokes about everywhere in their place, how not-selfish!

So back to this relative of mine, he is so strictly religious.

One time he was telling others quite publicly in a family gathering, how his Metallica loving son (of course the dad does not know) had his marks boosted from failure to passing grades.
The relative is a college instructer and his son went to the same school. His son, despite his dad's efforts did not like studying, and he was not keen on even caring to actually pass, though he had the brains but too stupid to use it.

What is so interesting, such "illegal" mark camouflage, appeared as a good will gesture by his other colleague whom he taught his son, my relative Emphasized.

One of the woman sitting, his sister, the auntie of the Metalica loving person, objected for such illegality. Though, her brother, replied rather jockingly "Shasaweela, mawatni, ma yidrus".

Today, the same relative of mine, pokes fun, and it is rather legal mockery type of a joke, of how his wife, now in Canada, buys clothes and return them after a month. Translation, she is using and abusing the system mithil il ma shayifa.
Another distant relative replied "that is not Islamic, she can't do that", the relative is still in mode joke, I did not hear his reply, but the distant relative asked "do they do that often in Canada", the relative of mine, as if he did not believe such quick fix replied: "yes they all do that".
No They do Not, they do not buy a bag full of clothes and return it after one month, hell, the whole shops in Canada would have changed their return policy, maybe the will when there will be more influx of that type of people. So apparently, if the majority does that, then it is fine, it is Culturally acceptable and lies within the "islamic" acceptance of no where it is Haram!!!

Oh, I had a very religious co-worker of mine, I told her the story of the mark-comflage, she also agreed that it is ok!

I guess that’s why the standards in the Islamic Umah is below Zero, or double zero!

The oil money please, my panka is not working!!

2008-03-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

Iraq is a hard place to understand, not because chess is a game I do not play, but finding information is not clear and always distilled to tidbits that do not match, well of course, one can easily guess – corruption, but how and why , the ratiocinative to link events are rather missing.

With controversy plaguing the screens, though only within the Iraqi media, I have heard that the Iranians are stealing from Majnoon oil field. The next day, a special reportage appears, flashing my screen, Shahrastany is reassuring.
The reportage heeded by some ministry showing Shahrastany on ground at the Majnoon oil fields, reassuring that everyone is Iraqi and of course oil is Iraqi as well.

Though, how did such allegations happen, why and by whom? Why is their growing mistrust?

Iraq's main income is oil export, yet Iraqis' essential needs are not met, green water or little drops of it, decamp Iraqis' household taps, and electricity shortage is leaving many Iraqis in the dark.
Why is it that our oil revenues are not there to remedy simple needs? Why there have not been real construction efforts despite the government's ardent entrepreneurial invitations of other nations to have business, investments and embassies in Iraq. Why the contradictions?
Why is it that the U.S. taxpayer money has been running the show for reconstruction in Iraq for the past five years.
Why is it that our oil revenues are there in foreign banks. How about priorities Mr. Shahrastani!
Squabbles are there with the ministry of electricity, but why are there excuses for public service men/women not to serve their people at least with minimum essentials.
At least make use of the gas that goes off along with oil when gushed from the ground, why can't they build some gas facilities to cultivate this gas to remedy such needs and Leave alone oil for export purposes as Shahrastani wishes.

Now, there is the senate committee requesting a full accounting of how Iraq is spending its soaring oil revenue.

Of course, Americans have the rights to protect their taxpayers money, which somehow, quite coincidently seeps into Iraq's interests to know why priorities have not been set in Iraq to serve the severely effected populace.
And Yes, of course it is the democrats who signed the committee letter request.
What is so funny, during Bremer's administrations, he hired a certified public accounting firm to ensure proper controls of Iraq's oil, but apparently the contract was not given to an accounting firm but to a – tiny - consulting company, Northstar , its headquarter somewhere in San Diego!

It is them at top when they wish, they can make it right.
I do not think that the Iraqi population is respected.

2008-03-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

I am tired of talking about men and women and all tidbits involving them. But there is more. I feel I still have more spillover to vent about.

Inspired by parents, aunties, and all the “wise” elder people, I introduce philosophical and deeply thought - marriage advices, thoughts and reassurances - it competes actually with Jibran Khalil Jibran, Not! (Gilgamish giggles). Help yourself 3aini, they are quite handy ( Gilgamish giggles more).

# 1

تزوجين دكتور حتى لو جان شكلة مثل القرد, المهم دكتور يا بنتيييييييييييييي!

#2
فيترجي, يشتغل ابمكدونالد, ميهم ,ماطول تحبي و مادام عندج شغلج, ابد لا تفرطين ابشغلج!

#3

بتي لو ما جان اكو ظغط من الاهل ما جان اكو اي وحدة ازوجت!

#4

انتي مو شايفة نفسج غير شي, كل البنات جانوا مترددات و خايفات من الزواج!

#5

حلو اذا البنية تزوج عن انجذاب وحب, بس بتي تبقي تنتظرين, اريدج اتكونين سباقة للزمن!

Voooom!

#6
اتزوجي بس ا لتحبي

#7
شحني الرجال, شحني و اتزوجي و توكلي على الله!ماكو احد كامل, هاي الحب حجي افلام!

#8
انتي تكدرين اتغيري, بس بذكاء النسوان همة بصنعون الرباجيل,

#9
النسوان همة و ذكائهم!

#10
الزواج قسمة و نصيب!

So in conclusion, whatever advice or thoughts people give me on relationships or marriages, they all in reflect who they are, what they are looking for and what they have actually carved so far in their own personal discovery or lack thereof.

And its amazing, how such advices can be so contradictory to each other. People's collective nature is not homogenous, viva freedom!

I don't believe in a marriage-formula, as I believe everyone is different, so my advice would be, choose what you think its right for you ;)

Social sciences are hot only in Phds...

2008-03-13T16:31:00.000-07:00

Social sciences are hot only in PHDs

I do not know from where to start my complaints. I enjoyed my university classes studying international conflict and its resolutions, microeconomics, and leftist sociology materials that of Marx and why the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer.
I love theory period.

But today while going to my way to the living room, uncle was watching some movie about the American civil war, he asked "the southerners won right?" I mumbled , feeling zero prepared . I did not know the answer , "you have studied that in Uni right?"

I shifted the topic somehow on the American Revolution and how they ousted the Britons, the truth is, I know nothing about the American civil war, and maybe I can say something regarding the 1960s civil unrest, that era is damn interesting, you got the environmentalists, feminists, and the Blacks vying for their rights. And after the 1960s, I can say that the 1970s had one of the coolest fashion styles, alright! Well, the later represents my own latest trend, that I am growing to be more girlier than ever and the fact that I enjoy politics not as a career but to study it and maybe do charity/non-profit work on the side of some actual career of mine. I have shocked myself that I am no where as serious to be part of that. Yes, lets talk about Kant over wine, sure I take him!

And yes, I remember learning about American foreign policy, and now I remember Nothing! Maybe yeah concepts but details, names, strategies, heck I am forgetting it all! And it was an ex-Michigan mayor who taught this class and I scored an A+!!!

I feel my degree was not at all sufficient, or maybe I am suffering from dementia. Its either this or that.

Oooof, and I do remember my economic class, as it was mandatory to take six of em, I remember one of the economic Professors telling us, "this is not an English or a Political Science class, you can not leave one day not studying and catch up with the next class and understand".
He might not be so true, but he has a point, with sciency or solid science degrees, I believe that they are far harder and need far more dedication to get at least a B. And social sciences do not exactly attract the smartest of all students, the girl who won the governor general award during my graduation was an ex-biology major. I must be mean, but I remember one of my sociology professors telling us how to calculate our marks to get our percentages!!!! I felt I was so in the wrong place especially as an ex-computer science major! Damn, my classmates used to ask me about math questions! What a wasted talent there, I am even forgetting my multiplications, its either the degree or that I am getting stupid , really stupid!

No specialization, dementia, with high-heels and girly obsessions, I feel shocked at the state I have reached. And still no carved career and I still feel I have nothing that of expertise or any solid skills to offer.
Oh, and I miss my visual art class, we drew naked people! It was the first time when I saw the holy- it - the penis, I literally thought balls were balls. Good education there I must admit! ;)

Guys and girls ideological schism

2008-03-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

The love between men and women, other than the physical attraction, needs some shared mental consensus on many things to keep the ship sailing.

Apparently, girls' number one complain is that guys lack the yin yang balance, they either overly too zealous, religiously or hedonic liberal freaks.

Of course, I have thrown some sensationalism in there, but according to girls, guys are not aligned in the middle to be open, understanding yet having a religious backbone from not doing haram!

However, in my case, I love liberal guys, and I fall in the liberal spectrum, and I can be doing things that can be labeled as hedonic for some Arabs, my number one complain, is that liberal guys are no where to be marriage material.

I do not know if it is religion that makes people more commitment-correct, or that it is the type of personalities whom are attracted to religion are of that archetype.

I can not lie that some aspects of the religious-home-grown guys carry is attractive, such as being a family values type of guy, one can easily have a peaceful, warm, secure picturesque image of him being the father and the husband.

As for the very liberal guys even though that a lot of them can carry great believe in religion, they still have this immature, selfish thing about them, I do not know if it is their crazy love of life that makes them glide through life like playful children. Yes, I truly picture them as amused children, jumping and running freely in green fields and stroll down the mini hills with throbbing hearts.

Does it bottom down to sex? With religious guys' only option is marriage!
How much of sexual freedom does it effect one's commitment and love ability to others?

And another difference I have noticed, most of all the marriage material guys I have met, share one something in common that they are ---boring. Are liberal guys far more adventurous, risk takers in their emotional lives? Does that bring more sophistication, experience and fun to their character?
Though, one atheist dude flashes his existence in my mind, he is damn boring and damn shy!

Another thing I have noticed, liberal guys' expectations tend to be higher compared to the religious guys.
For liberal guys, they can not marry without having sex with that person. Also, religious guys have much lower possibility of cheating compared to the liberal

هلاويس املية......تحية الى امل....

2008-03-01T14:07:00.000-08:00

اني مو قشة امل, اني انسان

لا تشلبه بية و انت الغريق شايفني الجواب

بس ممكن اعطيك حب و قوة من تلامس مشاعرنا الانسانية

ممكن نتبادل تلاطف, تسامح, تفاهم انساني.

و لا انت الامل ابدا…. وحريتي ابد ماراح تروي عطشك, لك انت ما تفتهم بس ظيم السجون…
ظيم السجون في العقل,
ظيم السجون في الجسد,

لك لا تنتف ريشي, حتى حمامة سلام ما طرت…

انت ابد مو الامل…..

و لا اي شي الامل, لان اني اسعى و احاول اسوي,

و بقوتي الانسانية لازم همينة تفتهم مدى حريتي,

شايف عزيمتي,
عزيمتي مثل النهر اللي اريدها اتصب ابحرك

لك شلال حب احبك, بس من انت تكون انسان

تره اني حره

للك اني احبك

بس من اتحط السجون لان انت….

امي
ابوية
اختي
صديقي , صديقتي
زوجي, عشيقي

مهما انت… كنت

و مهما كل العلاقات, انت مو الامل

بس من مشاعرنا الانسانية

قبل المشاعر الصداقية
….
الجنسية….. القرابية

تره,

نبضي و نبضك اللي نحسة جوة , همة بس الامل

من اتشوفني انسان و اني اشوفك انسان.

ترة اني مو قشة امل و لا حلم بس بشر،

تعال باوع بعيوني,

من تشوفني

حرة و انسانة …يلة تعال تجي تكلي اني الامل!

لان الامل انسان,

الامل انسان,

لا مره متهسترة
و لا رجال مستهتر
و لا زعل من هل ولد العم

الامل انسان,
و شغل انسان حر….

كلبي اخ حس الامل..

يا نبض…

اني مو قشة امل, اني انسان.

2008-02-28T04:14:00.001-08:00

masters in political economy or economics?

the first, I enjoy the far most, and I feel I can excell far most as well , but with economics it yields far more salary gains generally speaking?!

though my economist friend just got laid-off.

God bless Canada.

2008-02-28T02:32:00.000-08:00

Raghooda's tag :)

2008-02-16T06:01:00.000-08:00

Thank you Raghooda for tagging me, its just made me realize so many things of my gender position, I think I am a very frustrated female. :D

Things that make me happy being a girl:

- I do not exactly have to have a car, I can always be chauffeured.
- If I ever say anything stupid, it will count as "cute".
- I do not have to financially be the sole provider, though I would love to be an empowered, financially able female, and thats my goal in life.
-If the girl has some looks, it can get her places, al hamudulilah :D

Things that make me unhappy being a girl:

- Way too much pressure to get me married especially as I get older, therefore biologically burdened
- Looks really does matter for any girls existence
- Extremely prone to harassment
- Virginity is such a huge fuss, unlike men. And a lot of people do not understand that women can enjoy sex as it is, unattached
-being a girl means I have to deal with men and their moodiness, and they are such a total bore and nuisance at many instances --and they are very few enlightened men--
-girls have to triple their amount of their defense line to get their rights. And they will always be labled as psychologically damaged if they seem to be stepping the feminist lines
-At many instances girl have to act feminine and cheeky in order for men to give them what they want, even their rights, which is horrible in my humble opinion, especially for a girl that speaks her mind.
-girls are not exactly understoond as human beings, and men do not quite understand women or their needs
-Not being able to dress the way I want, especially if I am in such a plebian, conservative place. I have to always be wary of the places and the hours I walk in the streets
- Girls are the ones who get pregnant and that’s painful
- girls always have to outsmart men and society to get what they need, and so it is an ongoing mental tension.

All in all, I enjoy being a girl but the older I get, the more tiresome it gets me, for its petty complications, thanx to the man-made complications and the fact that there are very few men.

Beauty and Ayerakis

2008-02-15T05:45:00.001-08:00

"Hhhmm it is good," I said to the waiter, "I rarely find good pickles at restaurants".

"Yeah, everyday we check these jars, and these are Lebanese work," he said, flashing all he can of his Lebanese pride, but like any other curious person, his small eyelined eyes were focused, he fired "where are you from?"

"Ani 3ira8iya," I said, "I thought you were Jordanian… the accent," he said.

Of course I change my accent to make it swifter and smoother when I talk to non-Iraqi Arabs, as our accent is apparently sounds Chinese or Hindi to them.

"But is it possible in Iraq to have such beauty," he continued.

I giggled.

"But are there more?" he asked

"There are more of course, and much better," I confirmed. I ended up explaining to him that Iraqi beauty is diverse and changes from the south to the north encompassing looks from blondes to tanned skinned women with green eyes.

The eyelined waiter pursed his lips when he heard tanned skinned women with green eyes.

"Strange, of how people think of Iraqi looks," I said to him with sarcasm.

"Only now, we see Iraqi women, before when they used to come to Lebanon, they were all covered, now there is more liberalization and now we see them," he said.

(I thought that was odd, as there were Liberal Iraqi families with pretty girls residing there especially in the seventies…)

"But in the seventies, Iraqi women were liberal ………" and the conversation continued….

This is neither the first nor the last of all the redundant impressions people have on Iraqis, I don't blame them, we hardly have any good looking actors and actresses, it seems that the professional work of acting attracts the not so good looking Iraqi specimens.

And even though I do constitute a casual cute or pretty material, and I do have confidence but I found his last inquiry – if there is more- was a bit offensive, but I took it jokingly, but I no way, top the beauty of a real beautiful Iraqi woman!!!
we really do have hot women, is just they do not appear on TV much and we do not have any modeling agencies or any branding, public relations agencies that can take care of Iraq's image. We only have blood, violence and tired, poor people that they constantly show on TV.
I still remember the 1999 Clintons bombing on Iraq, the TV anchor said "the bombing hit downtown Baghad", and all I saw in the footage was old Iraqi women in black Abayas herding their sheep
I guess that was the "real" Baghdad downtown and not the lovely Mansour and its beauties.

2008-02-11T04:38:00.000-08:00

Do you disagree/agree?

Advantages of a master degree

- flash flash falsh, yo, I got the masters, me got brains. It gives status and image.
- refines scattered inquiries which can lead to better practical conduct.
- a disciplinary method of learning for people are not self-efficient self-learners.

Disadvantages of a master degree
- literally puking money
- it can go totally awash if it was not done credibly or done in bad school with horrible professors.
- does not have a guarantee of a salary raise especially if it was not adjoined by practical experience later on, which is also market dependent.
- if it was not done simultaneously while working, it can be seen contextually as a procrastination time, therefore luxury.
- It can be the last resort to be marketable yet one can still pass the chance of getting no chance-- nothing can compensate for personality and diplomatic relations.
- Dependency on the guru/prof rather on one’s self.

All in all, the best people are the ones who learn through experience, it only means that they can juggle different thought processes under pressure and come out with their own thesis over time.

In today’s world people who can work under pressure and who multitask are the most successful and the smartest.

So basically its disadvantages is more than its advantage,

But the question is who can teach him/herself all they desire and want to.

It is a question of practicality so not everyone can do it.

Hell!

Probing questions of my inner Robot

2008-01-23T05:05:00.000-08:00

How to get things done do follow certain leads and one is realizing options to create a realistic sensor of what is happening.

And through succinct communication, one can really feel the options been shaped up and moulded.

However, then comes the risk factor. The risk factor when it comes down to cultural differences which can create ambiguity, and also clashing interests or interests that are not met because of communication ambiguity.

To excise ambiguity, and realising the fullest potential of a query, one has to widen the potential factor of options, and diluting risks by following raw logic.

Raw logic can be done through not exactly interrogation but through adamant, spot on questions.

However, asking these targeted against problem-area questions, would definitely need knowledge and experience, but how can a person formulate logic based on human behaviour which can go through the process of human error due to many factors including inexperience, lack of knowledge or a unmarriageable interests.

This needs to diplomacy which is simply an ongoing process of talking and talking to untangle the Understanding which prevails on all levels and can feed from top to down and down to top.

Diplomacy however needs to follow logic, and but can logic fall down to bogus interpretations or multi-faceted interpretations.

Can logic leads to such sway of information deformity?

Also, when it comes to action and conducting the query or the objective, does it need healthy individuals biological and mentally, does the amount of food effect human behaviour?

Who can succeed and who can not?

So when something blurs the logical process to do the logical objective can it go under the risk of taking a risk?

Is that possible?

Is there a perfect, risk-free process?

Is there a perfect conduct, if so, then people should measure their conduct against the complete.

If not, people should measure against the potential or the optimal amount which falls back to limitations such as maximum and minimum.

If it is the later option, where below perfection means taking a risk.

Then the question, is taking a risk an option, a must, or ambivalent and one needs to tap into other routes to dig and unveil the truth to reach the objective.

If it is an option, then the situation is lax and can wait or one has a B plan to fall back to.

If it is a must, then a person is rather screwed and it will fall back under the mercy of probability and the ongoing mental tension. Means I have to take the risk.

If one is ambivalent and has no options of choosing if it is an option or a must, meaning I either have to take the risk or leave it. I duno why I feel it is not the same as number one – option--- I can not name it…since I have no name I will leave it. And no it is not the same as saying a must.

But then the question comes in, dashing me.

Why is it a risk when a person is screwed. Can there be a situation of a person following a succinctly logical process deferring possibilities of going through a risk, still leaves you to have a risk?

Is there such a thing?

How different is the conduct of a person who believes in the Perfect Logical Risk-Free process to a person who under the guise of some unclear divine manipulation such as god to create circumstances beyond our control?

Why is there emotions especially irrational emotions, how can one rationalize irrational emotions?

How can a person create intelligence, sound intelligence to create constructive rational emotions and thinking?

If one is to create rational emotions would not that be equal to thinking such as creating constructive ideas, can an emotion be an idea or can an emotion be stemming from an idea?

Is there such think as an emotion being independent in stimulant ? well there are such things as instincts but are there things beyond that ?

The question is, how much of a capacity are we able to create our paths by using our minds and constructive behaviour, emotions and thinking?

Because I want to be that person.

Be in charge!

Boo hoo.
I would love to be a robot.

Where does machismo lie?

2007-08-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

Dividing the rulers from the ruled has always been a pleasant concept I have used as portable gadget specifically when the need arises to defend and to naively forgive the commoners’ misfortune of being ruled by the grotesque and warmongers.
“No, there is a difference between Iraqi people and the Iraqi government” added with similar statements directed towards the Americans and Iranians.

But gulping too much news headlines added with some ‘intellectual’ discourse exchange with the high society from these countries, one will always realize-- plebian as plebian it is-- and so the ones in power. Bertrand Russell said it all ‘The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.’

Yes, philosophers always go on and on in circles, and the intelligent cover many variants the plebian and plebian governments can not comprehend.

Also, the state of the world is nothing but a cultivated collective effort of feeling egoistic and uncompromising.

Even though, the Sunni, Shi’a, Kurd Iraqis reached consensus on some ‘vital’ issues, it did not lead to an Iraqi parliament inclusive that of Sunnis, as they walked out only to leave Al-Hashimi embattling the Sunni Iraqi stakes. The Sunnis hard-headed, idiotic decision is another repeated mistake as their predecessor one when they boycotted last election. As for the independents, secular and hands-off religion group their stakes have been further hampered in a nation that is in dire need to for a secular over-weight to offset the rather myopic, demagoguery sectarians. Iyad Allawi, the Iraqi National Accord leader, further step to another avalanche of Iraqi politics complication is tying up with a top-notch lobbying firm to topple down Al-Maliki, which is another egg on onto Iraqi “politics” and “dialogue”.
History yet to repeat itself, because Iraqis are arrogant, selfish and simple minded due to the religion factor. Why not resolve Iraq’s problems with the given resources inside Iraq, to solve Iraqi problem and cut the feathers of non-Iraqi problems fomented by foreign interferences in Iraq, with Iraqi and Iraq-made solutions, even if it is limited. But they should try!
But the real impulse for such change is not their.

They are arrogant. And all think they having something superior than the other.

And how foul of the Sunnis to cling with any opportunity for them to ally with America if the opportunity arises, yet they frown and shame the Shi’as and other groups of doing.

And it is not the problem with who rules Iraq, it is rather the mentalities of the Iraqi people and their governors, such as the Shi’a victimized notion of 1400 reign of Sunni oppression is just pure propaganda.

Now, Iraqis have been deprived with whoever ruling Iraq, nothing is changed!

Or now the forming static perception of one group against the other, the tug of war and the lack of ability to trust, and be enlightened.

It seems that each group has its own history books, each group has its own set of generalizations, they are idiotic, backward, and Iraqi politics will always be fickle, if they keep on repeating history without reconciliation and realizing the bitter reality that their emotional intelligence does not surpass that of Hyena.

Diplomacy, dialogue, and compromising is needed, if not , the circle will go around and around, and it is better to be philosophical inconclusive rather than murderously conclusive.

We need to put all Iraqi's factions in one cage and let them fight, each other, do whatever, so we can get the draft, it is about time.

To censure or not.

2007-07-13T02:50:00.000-07:00

Since one of my greatest hobbies in my spare times nowadays is to read comments left in Alarabiya.net, not only I find these comments amusing, and vulgarly entertaining to give me a good impulse of a good heartache, but it is a great source to learn how low the Arab mind thinks in its epitome zenith to reach the gutter of shallow thinking, racism, derogatory stereotypes, xenophobia and of course sexism. And of course I can not generalize, but these negative elements are fully found in that's site's comments column.

This uncensored phenomenon of leaving distasteful comments wide open to the public, made me really think, why the people in charge are not censuring these uncalled, low-class comments, even in public discussion forums they replace moderators to moderate foul commentary, how come in a "professional" website like Alarabiya.net such thing is not conducted up bar to the acceptable level of civilized discussion.
Thinking I am really right, I was complaining to sis about how lowly some people are, and how disgraceful some Iraqis that leave comments in Alarabiya leaving me utterly ashamed for their tribal, supremacist, racist thinking.

She on the other hand agreed with my moral principles but she said what I am calling for is just against freedom of speech, she continued with her argument, saying those people are representing their environments, and the comments are just excretion of such environments, and by letting such secretions, pus and disgusting crap out there, is but to give it chances to reform, as the filth is not fermenting but exposed to sterilized sun. And she also, added something really personal of how I always used to tell her to confront my parents with what she is thinking and to stop being miss diplomatic and an a$$ kisser, in order for the thesis and the anti-thesis melt into each other and to make something out of it. I could not reply back to that comment, but thinking now, such analogy does not make sense, maybe because I think "I make more sense" :D than my parents when it comes to my freedoms and that I respect people as long as they respect my freedoms.

As for me, I see the comments as poisonous, defamatory for me as an Iraqi, and will only spread hatred in a time where division is thriving and unity is needed.

She added, that people laying their hatred to the wide public to read is also, a good defensive mechanism as it will educate people from other nations of ill intentions felt by other people, so they will be more savvy. This reminds me of this Turkish guy back in university, he quite confidently told me that northern Iraq belongs to Turkey lol

But my argument, this untainted person who have not heard a horrible comment made by his peer from a neighboring country will act naturally when confronted with that neighbor who may harbor such horrible feelings but vanishes as he/she sees the opposite of what he accepted as he/she is tainted. (now this is generally but I am not interested to make it complicate but just to give the idea), so basically it is an action and reaction argument.
But there are also countries that do not need its people to divulge top notch secrets, just yesterday Iran announced that Bahrain is part of Iran, however, if I go to an Iranian discussion forum could I be learning something different, hence the public might is not necessarily similar to the gov.

But I guess it is the Middle East, lets give war a chance, yammy lets people learn by experience, respectable eh!

2007-07-07T01:57:00.001-07:00

"In Baghdad there are only killers and victims. I cannot be a killer and I do not want to be a victim," said Basim Hamed, a sculptor who left Iraq to stay in Syria.

I just wanted to share this quote I read in Emirates Today newspaper.

Bosoms, not so seductive in this case!

2007-07-04T23:34:00.000-07:00

Beware, alert, beware, bosom showcase ---A fully covered woman, from head to toe yet publicly breast feeding her baby!! Is not that like an oxymoron, and should not breast be covered?

I do not remember what ailment it was, but I think it was extreme dryness or diarrhea that many Iraqi kids suffered from during the sanctions, and there was this small t.v. segment in Iraq advising mothers to opt for natural milks and to breast feed their babies, and I was shocked to see a bare breast in t.v. yet the lady was muhajaba wearing 3abaya? I do not get it.

But also I remember when I was a kid traveling with my uncle’s family in a taxi from Basra to Baghdad, my uncle’s wife did not showcase her breast just like that, she covered! So why women show and others do not. But my uncle’s wife is known to be a very shy person!

And in the west, through my friend’s witness account, he was shocked to see a woman breast feeding her baby publicly. So now, it is international, it is like bosom liberation day, ooops I mean woman liberation day, but these are innocent accounts I guess, like
Janet Jackson, she is no mother but the whole universe got all hyped up when her nipple showed in the American national t.v.

So it seems, it is about innocence versus intentional seduction. So breasts lose their seductive, lecherous appeal when they are used for other purposes, and they look merely like milk containers? :D

But I still do not get it, even the face is not showing but the breast is. Weird. Can not she go somewhere more private? No honestly it is the 21 century with great edifices built; I am sure there are places women can scurry to and be unseen.

I just do not get it.

2007-07-01T03:56:00.001-07:00

You have to say what is happening, and how it happened, and where, when. You got to complete the story; you got to find all details, and quirks of that story.

But who chooses this story over the other story, even though if you are covering the whole. There are empirical details side by side as others, so why choose certain empirical nuggets over others to shape the ‘conspicuous truth’ of that story, or why leave some stories uncovered.

Is not all relating to a perspective, each of our own, as we all maintain a lens of our own mental making envisaged through our needles we sew to make our “story material”.

Does an independent news agency exist, can it ever exist? Given the intricacies of wider networks of people, so how many perspectives are there, and why it becomes a sole, prime one at the end? We all can define what alarabiya is, or aljazeera, cnn ect….

Even if we tell a story against all the immoral oddballs or phenomenon of war crimes, nahr al barid, genocides, Nigeria, Al-hashimi killing al-alousi kids, civil strives, and Paris Hilton’s rubbish auction reaching 1.5 million dollars

How cultural relative is this “moral vs. immoral” paradigm is?

And what is even more disturbing and deleterious --how much of moral responsibility do we carry to spread the news of those ever so immoral-imbeciles to awaken yes surely the consciousness, but also smothering the mind of those untouched with dirt, desensitivizing the consciousness level even to a lower level. I do not like violent movies too.

So what makes a good journalism, and is there such thing as a “neutral being” can it ever exist? and who owns these institutions, the thoughtful, sensitive plebian…of course not.

God, it feels a lot better to write questions, than boring dictum.

2007-06-22T15:24:00.000-07:00

Cute guy gone, yes gone just like that. Today i went to meet a female friend of mine at starbucks, it felt nice to have some change to find a person who is arab and i can connect with, it was nice moments of socializations i needed.
While we i was talking to her, there was a really cute guy giving glances, and he was looking , really looking and he looked really my type.
I did give casual glances at him while i was talking to her, but i did not smile. He looks and looks, his friends decide to leave, he looked a bit disappointed at his friends' decision, while me thinking at the back of my head "how soon".
My weekend was awesome but this tragic event of losing a cute guy is devastating.
Was i wrong not giving him a smile to encourage further advances?
I mean i just work, finish work at six, reach home at eight forty, eat and crash at ten, my venue for socialization is limited, but hopefully with this new friend of mine things will be different. but still I do not meet a potential guy every time and then, its only few encounters
After him leaving, i looked around me i did not find the guys surrounding are as attractive as i saw that guy, I felt worse.
How am i suppose to sleep, did i lose a potential mate, at least if i had conversation with him to decide if there was something or not!

Is there something you can say to lessen my regrets?
And why is it the social setting always constrain natural selection, most of the attraction spontaneous impulses happen with total strangers to me, and this one was easier in a coffee shop, starbucks.,
He was cute
offfff

why am i changing?

2007-04-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first official night out in Jumeira, it was beautiful, the lights were glittering ever so gently like some tender silver, gold goddess face bestowing her happiness on me and people were sprouting everywhere like buds of beautiful flowers worshiping the dark night for happiness, erasing the nostalgia I had for people scenes after the eeriness Windsor left in me after many empty, lonely winter seasons.

I went with a good friend of mine I met just recently; he was the most welcoming, the most generous, and we both went to some hot, trendy nightclub a girl from a small city like Windsor have not seen before.

The demographics were plenty, people from all races, lots of Brits and Arabs though, and it was amazing how many Arabs were congregated in one place, I don’t experience that much often, but nightclub guys I do not know why, all look the same, most of them have the same look, either in Canada or UAE, its almost I try the impossible to read how stupidly from their faces, but I do not see books, I am judging, but they do look like that, they look vain, empty, pleasure worshiping creatures, I figured out at one instance, if we people try as much as we try to be happy, try to help my country or other countires, it would have been that way, if we tried to study political thought process, and its applications, the world would have been a different place, but we all commercial, and all the people who do come to these commercial hubs, do what they have to do, and they are the ones who do things, who make the planet go forward not really as in forward probably forward in emitting CO2, all those people do things, but the people who really advent politics, people who made and are making political theories are only in books I read, the rest are politicians with agendas killing my country.

Just like we have money poverty, we have intellectual poverty, we have activism poverty, all those people who do philanthropy in politics are so small in number to people who do philanthropy and good will to entertain their penises, veginas, excuse my acute vulgarity but I felt he world is vulgar, insensitive, and superficial, it makes people who love and are couples smart, really smart! It makes married couples for a long time, geniuses.

I do not know I felt so spiritually devoid yesterday, I hated girls showing cleavages, I really despised guys and girls who are not couples kissing and doing all that, I felt they were low. I felt everything was vulgar, and I went back home examining my wardrobe, I do not want to be like those girls, even though I do not show much skin, but even that, I do not want to be associated with those cleavage showing girls, I want people to see my person, I want people to see women for who they are, I feel women are like concubines, east or west, I feel that way, I want elegant, demure, well-spoken women. I never thought i would say, but I appreciate Hijab, but I guess I would feel the opposite if I was in a culture enforcing that! I just want to be with strong, smart women!

and I miss coffee shops.

Then I had drinks, I have not had a drink for along long time, I remember telling my best friend back in Canada that I was done with that stage of my life, the loud music, the drinking all does not do it for me anymore, but I was bottoming things down, but with some drink after another, I was doing "for united Iraq", "Free Palestine" Cheers!

But I must admit the music was good, and I missed my best best friend, he would have loved to dance, and rocked the place!

I thought, to myself, at that instance, if I feel spiritually devoid, and numb, I could get my spirituality from dancing, I love dancing, and I will always do, but then I went all crazy, and my friend took my hand, lead me outside, the light struck me, and I found myself speaking to random people, I remember telling a girl that "I miss my dad, I really do" and she smiled back at me, so sweet.

Then my good friend, bought me water and hot dogs, and I started the most random conversation with the hot dog vendor "if you had a daughter, would you let her come to this place," I asked. I am sure he thought I was some stupid drunk girl.
"no," he said
"but fathers should trust their daughters…" and I do not remember what the hell I was saying.

Then I and my friend sat at the pavement, recalling everything I feel sorry for embarrassing him. I could not eat the hot dog, I just wanted water, and then I kept talking about my dad.

We took a taxi cap later, I started the most random conversation, but it was still in me fresh -- the news of al-Sarafiya Bridge bombing, and the whole failure of the security plan –
I started talking about Iraq, I started crying in the cab.

I felt I was giving some patriotic, sentimental speech, the taxi driver looked very sorry for me.
I cried in a cab, I never cry in public, I do not know what happened to me yesterday, I never act that way.

Then when we departed me and my friend, and when I took another Taxi cap, I had this Uma nationalist conversation with him, I talked I talked, this guy opened up to me, he showed me his UAE national girlfriend picture, it does not happen, but this time it... happened, a rich gulf girl with a foreign, south Asian man from Bengladish, love happens, and god bless them.

"we are trying hard," he told me when I asked him about their marriage plan.

But thinking of it all, Is it my reaction to the spiritual void I have, did I feel estranged, did I feel that I did not belong there? Did I feel that I wanted to be a wife that makes kuba and all the nice things and be home reading my books while having fulfilling conversation with that husband of mine?

I think I am gona be alone in this for along time but I know and realize that I am strong enough to be anywhere, and to be me, I will assert myself, and my drops of tears is a testament of who I am, since I have a9il, and this a9il will lead me to spiritual guideness and will be the direction of where I will go.

god bless Iraq and everyone who is good.

minu ireed cheese

2007-04-11T16:31:00.000-07:00

انت ضوء الضياء, الهادئ يتلاشى على امواج بحاري في غضون طايات فجر غامض......انا عاشقة ضيائك....عاشقة ضيائك الهادئ, يهدي و يرسي سفن عشقك, انا على ضيائك هائمة....
انت نظرة قاتلة قتلت كل شعور حتى الحب و تركت ولع لا يجد حبا......احلم في احضانك, انام قرب سرابك, متيمة بسكن احزانك......

من درت وجك اتحاكيني
ما شفت شكل عيونك
ما شفت لونه
بس شفت دهاليز, ليل غميج...ضعت....ضعت بيه
ويلي....
درت وجك ما شفت وجك
ما شفت عيونك
بس شفت احساس امدوخني انصدمت بيه
وكعني وكعة
شسويت بيه

2007-04-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

is it true that we all born with something special to give? what if what i can give is only found in some idealistic world, not so technological, not so commerical, not a banknote, not a chemical bomb equation, not so much of quantum physics and lab instruction manual i can not make, not an artifical intelligence program and robots, what if i had only feelings, what if i can only cook, what if i can not bear children, what if i can not be a mother, or a wife, what if i can not be serious, what if i am dream and can not write a real story, what if i am nothing, just a being who likes to sit under a maple tree, asking y

y

p.s. i am achieving things and happy. i just wrote of what i wrote, do not worry.

2007-04-09T15:09:00.000-07:00

I reach my hand,
Over the horizon, I see nothing,
Straight in the air, it stays still,
Waiting,
It stays still,
For me only, I hear its breathing
it breathes in vaccum,
No winds huffing sound.
I dip my finger in a pond,
Maybe it wants to swim,
But no, there were no bites,
Not bites to dismember my nails from its flesh,
the shiny fishes, away.... away, died long time ago
My hands squeak over windows,
And all over the closed windows of the world,
Its all squeak I hear, but all sealing its screams,
Behind the thick glass, I am,
Through windows I look,
No sunlight for my pupil to absorb,
For there was none...light... sunlight…
I cup my face inside the palms of me,
Of me hands,
Sighing down, befriends of memories,
And dreams that are not yet to come,
I sit on a bench, thinking
That my hands hold no hands,
But my lonely face.

2007-04-05T12:03:00.001-07:00

My ambitions scare you
For I am just a feeble word of a brave battle
My dreams saddens you
For I am the person you used to be
My speech is stutter
For my words are strong
My future is bleak
For my steps are great, yet tiny

complacent

2007-04-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

I have always thought that I was after money and nothing but money, but my UAE stay have proved otherwise, I turned down a good paying English trainer position to stay in for my journalism non-paid internship. The hours did not match my training hours, and it is not something I am wholeheartedly into, especially that is far far far away given Dubai's crazy traffic jam.
But I am still on the hunt for a part-time paying job.

Do I regret going social science, do I regret my choices in life, no.

2007-03-08T00:19:00.000-08:00

Thanx for Virgin Man i discovered that I am not recieving any comments. I moved in the new blogger, so everyone is welcome to my blog :)

2007-02-18T09:53:00.000-08:00

News is no longer a t.v set I watch, a newspaper I read, or a radio I listen to, news is reality; real, painful reality when someone you know dies, and it will be even be the realest of all when our country vanishes away into explosive bombs, and nothing it leaves only fermented bodies and a memory of despair.

why bomb people doing their grocery shopping, yes Maliki, your new plan is working, just perfect!

2007-02-09T13:41:00.000-08:00

In pictures, World Press photo award for 2006 in here , it is amazing there is no one picture about Iraq.

Not fair.

it is the DNA

2007-01-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

To be liberated is to be convinced of one’s choices based on free will and rational he/she pertains, of course not resulting in harm to anyone or anything.
But does the state of nature allow such liberation to happen? Do we have time, resources in abundance? Who owns time? Can we stand confidently independent from nature and its inevitable course?
We definitely do not have any absolute control over wrinkles, sagginess, and old age, how false is it, when I hear notions of the legendary, modern woman of how she liberated herself from the ticking clock, the biological clock?
Did this liberation, really liberated women from the number, that is age, yes I can not locate the word spinster in any modern dictionary of the minds, yes people yearn and long not to be associated merely to their age, it is prevalent nowadays to see the age gap between the genders closing, it even seems that teenagers want to be grownups nowadays, almost we are having a linear age in appearance and attitude.

But how much we strived rationally to not think about it, it is still futile…. I am still in a state where I feel that nature is to the advantage of males. Even though, both the male and the female genders have their biological clocks ticking since their conception until it stops, quite happily when death is the graduation (I do try to be optimistic, that was my 2007 resolution)
But how I feel currently is that women’s biological clock is faster. I made a quick research of the marriage age world wide, and the number one common denominator is that it is almost always that the female age of marriage is less than that of men, the only difference is that in collective, religiously steered communities people marry at a younger age than communities who are not, where tradition, role of religion and pressure to be married are much less to effect their psyches.
But why is it that men marry at a later age? Do they value their freedom more than women? Is it the inherit biological trait to spread their sperms/seeds everywhere possible, whilst a women is specific to find that one to make an offspring from? And why is that men with less testosterone make great family men, whilst those with high amount of testosterone have much less ability of becoming family men?
Do women get attached faster than men? Are men fond of experimentation more than women? Why is it men dream of having sex more, than women? And why is that women dream of having families and babies more than men?
Is it the nature of this universe, and is it illogical to ask why, and is it only logical to find rules within such nature?
Why such forces of each gender differs so tremendously, is it to ensure population increase, and why is that, do we need more babies, we have enough orphaned babies in stock, what is the use of this excessive lust, desire? I find it meaningless, and it is meaningless, I really do have problems of how things are run, and what is worse, women develop wrinkles and old age signs earlier than men….it is really horrible..
But this legendary, free, modern woman equaled the man, she trespassed him, she is as lustful, as freed as he is, she even cheated more than he did at times, she dominated, she allured, seduced, she experimented, experienced, she is unstoppable, she is the brave heartbreaker and she is also, unable to love at times, as he is too, and here it is, the “shopping complex”, the pernicious psychological ailment of all times. Just like we shop, and we shop for each season, so our sexuality, and love life changes. How sad!

But in a such a free environment, I still hear him, the dominant man, still loud and demanding as ever, Why is it I hear more men than women, announce their plan to marry at their thirties, are these all women that these men experience, are just short term play things?
Is the freedom that society attained is more in consolation of men’s desires than that of women?
Why is when I still live in free Canada, a free country, I feel that women’s sexual freedom is still a reactionary act to that of men’s freedom, and not so original of their wants.
Or why in the other case scenario, when women are not commitment lover, and do not yearn for marriage find themselves compelled to think about it, when their mothers or their biological clock remind them that they are growing older and not younger.

Everything is still in leverage to that of men.

How is that for my 2007 resolution? Quite optimistic …I guess not.

Of Muslim/Christian Relations this week

2007-01-18T15:57:00.000-08:00

I – Sociopolitical

I do not have details, but the city where I live, one guy, a convert from Islam to Christianity originally Lebanese, he fought during the Lebanese civil war, quite ironically against the Christian side. A war graduate, this guy made a one hour speech in a church, about the threat of Islam, Islam according to him is a religion of war and seizer of those unlucky infidels to be in “hell”, his speech attracted many, the non Christians, the Muslims who wanted to challenge this man’s need for some attentions, also, it attracted many Christians whom they found the whole scenario as unrepresentative of their views and thought of it as propagating hate, many wanted to challenge this man, however, there were the ones who wanted to know more about the origins of the drawbacks of Islam, one of those people, I talked to , not in any Church or in any zealot gathering, but a taxi driver, I was on my way to starbucks to meet some friend for some coffee, totally unaware of the extent of this ongoing event in my very quiet city. This taxi driver asked me if I am university student, and what am I studying and all these type of questions, pretty unusual, and he asked me what I think of what happened. Weird. My opinion seemed to be of value to him, but with all due honesty, I told him that I was reading only news headlines, and I have not had the mood nor the time to take an interest in these stuff, but we talked about it nevertheless, we brought the Danish cartoon and the Muslim reaction, what I found really hard, is to defend it from a Muslim point of view, I have always found it hard to be confounded within any religious realm, rising my opinion among my Muslim fellows, is not as much as different as a westerner raising his/her opinion, well to some extent, but what I told the Taxi driver - after broadcasting the news that I come from a Muslim family , that “Muslims are mostly moderate, and most of them want peaceful lives, and the speech was uncalled for”, but I meant every word I said, why would this guy want to disrupt our way of life in this very peaceful city, I have always took pride, that Muslims in my city did not react the same reactionary way as other Muslims from other parts of the globe, I have always took pride that Muslims in my city, protest in a very civil manner unlike what happened violently in France, Canada is just different, but then again, 2006 they busted a terrorist cell in Toronto, however, how far would this escalate, I believe it is dependent on the Canadian foreign policy, if we lead a pro US stance, then I am sorry, simply because it means we are going to enter a war, we must respect and cherish our economic ties with the US by not forgetting our identity as Canadians, we are peacemakers, and if that is laughable, so be it!
As I was approaching starbucks, the taxi driver, seemed to be enigmatic and ardent to ask me this question, that why is it hard to critique Islam without expecting an effusive reaction?
This has always been my question, and when a person asks a question that I usually ask, or lets just say, when a person asks MY question, would he be expecting an answer! I felt hesitant, I tried to play down my insecurities, conceal it with some naïve, self-belittling sarcasm, I told him that “ I haven’t used my brain for a time, ever since I graduated”, and He laughed at me, I guess I a m good for amusement purposes, I added, that “I don’t have a job yet and I just want to see my friend for coffee, and both of us are infidels from Muslim and Christian point of view, and I have not thought about this issue for a long time”, he continued with his laughter, as he was stopping to drop me, he asked “so you gona get wasted for the day”, I told him no “its just coffee”. But sure, I did have some Heinekens, weird, I guess Christians are good in predicting my future drinking habits, but honestly, bars are much nicer on Mondays, you can actually hear people speaking, No, you can actually have some good stimulating talk, I thank the “infidels” for that.

oh , and yesterday my cousin volunteered to safe guard the mosque.

Muslim/Christian relations

II --Romance

A lot of people discriminate when choosing a handsome lover, rich husband, big breasted wife, and it is based on a lot of checklists, however, there are people that can transcend such differences or their religious and cultural checklists of whom they have to marry, that’s when discrimination is deleted and tossed in the garbage bin.

A close friend of mine is in love with a Christian man, and she is Muslim, in a society as mixed as ours such problems will also, put the real intimate relationships of Muslims and Christians under a microscope.
The real similarity is that both religions dissect, and shred human relationships until it fissiles and dies, especially when it is put in an eastern, collective context.
In a collective society, both groom and bride also marry the families to be soon to be their relative families, and this is a harbinger of soon to be diluted personalities of both groom and bride.
With Muslim/Christian love stories, if one party (family) does not accept the other, heartbreak is inevitable, and these are the cases of many.
I have witnessed many accounts of such inevitable breakup of religious differences, my Chaldean Iraq friend and his ex Iranian Muslim girlfriend, my Iraqi Muslim friend with her Lebanese Christian boyfriend, there was a lot of love involved, they were ready for marriage, but all belonged to on common dominator that they had to sacrifice o the well being of their families --- it does not matter if one’s family is accepting, it only works if both parties (families) are accepting. What is even funny, when I type Muslim, Christian, I do not type their real faith, I type what they have to be, my Chaldean friend and his ex, both belonged to non of the Abrahimic religions, they were free in the brain, the Lebanese guy was a devout atheist.
This friend of mine, made me think, that there can only be superficial relationships between the followers of these two religions.

Yesterday, I had interesting chats with my friend, well in Iraqi I would call her khala/auntie, she is the Iraqi Chaldean lady that I was and still helping with her case to bring her handicap son over to Canada. A month a go, when she invited me to her home for some chayi/tea, she showed me pictures of her sons, daughters, their wedding pictures, I do not remember how the conversation well, but I remember she was telling me that she chose the wife for her elder son, and she did not want him to marry the girl that he was in love with,, and I was a bit surprised and shocked, since she came across to me as a open minded Iraqi lady, and liberal, “I never thought you were like that” I asked her , she answered “I did not like the girl’s family, they came to threaten us”, but she said it in a weird tone, and she looked at me in the eye, I felt weird, I knew right away, or at least my instinct told me , that the girl that her son was in love with, was a Muslim girl, but I kept it as a doubt.
Strange as it is, the topic came up yesterday, as I told her about my friend, she sympathized and confessed to me the real story. The girl that her son was in love with, was a Muslim, even the girl’s mom came to her house to ask her permission for them to marry, I thought it was strange, as in Islam Muslim women are not allowed to marry non Christians, I do not know details, but it seemed that the girl’s mom wanted to protect her daughter’s reputation, since their clan or tribe was threatening. Khala’s reasoning, was also, in protection of her family, she told me that she did not want to be ostracized from her relatives, also, she will lose her clan/tribe and as her other sons and daughters were not married at that time; her daughters will lose suitors, and her sons won’t be accepted. She sacrificed one son’s freedom in the sake of others. She told me, in Iraq it does not work, and it is true, I remember one neighbor back in Iraq, the father was Muslim and the wife was Mandean, they never had relatives visiting, they were ostracized from both families.
But what is so weird, about khala N, is that she regrets it, and she said, it was a mistake, and she continued of how times have changed, and how she encouraged my friend to find love in whoever she feels comfortable being with, she added that is in Canada and not in Iraq. But also, in Canada families ostracize their kids, as in the case of the friends I mentioned, and most cases people choose family over the love of their lives, for that reason.

I chatted with mom about this case too, what is so interesting, the devout, head covered Muslim mother of mine, was the liberal hip chick of her time, mini skirts, and all the 1970s innuendo, what is so interesting, mom confessed to me that she was in love with a Christian Iraqi man, she even thought of going to the US with him, so she won’t have to face the consequences of such union from both sides, I wish if it happened, I would be from a liberal family right now, how cool, anyways, mom chose her family in the end, and chose my religious dad. (I am laughing now).
Mom also, told me so many other stories, she told me the story of my auntie’s best friend, she was too in love with a Christian man, and he was ready to leave his family for her, her mom also, accepted it, as she thought that they will gain thawab/virtue if he converts, but his family did not accept it. Auntie’s best friend, flew to Baghdad just to hear my mom’s advice, my mom told her you can not do this to the guy, and to leave him. According to mom, in less than one year, she found another man and married him.
Mom’s most”virtuous” story, is that hearts can change, and she kept preaching the difference between dreams and boundaries, and how even when one married, he/she can be in love with other guy/gal if they felt emotionally empty.
I asked mom, “If I was in love with a guy who is a not Muslim, would [she] accept it, even when she was in the same situation?”, “No, you can’t lose your akhirtich/afterlife”, she answered.
And then we had a fight as usual.
We talked about ethics, and it is funny how she blurred and paralleled two complete thought processes with the same end conclusion, she thought just because I think it is ok for people to intermarry, and just because I do not agree with god’s rulings, then it is also, easy for me to accept theft for example. Mom asked “what would rebuke you from doing so, if you think that way?”
Masters in electrical engineering my mom is, and this is her thought process, how pathetic, well, I do love mom, and I do think she is a very smart women, but that was distasteful. How can you correlated freedoms that are so ethical with freedoms that are not. But apparently, ethics come from god, and for me, ethics come from me. And it is so funny that mom proclaims that we all pray for the same god.

And I write this to god, if you are so merciful, if you are the most wise, why did you create so many religions, couldn’t you foresee the future, can you hear the suffering of the masses you created?

Coming to compare mom’s Islam and Khala N’s Christianity, I would prefer khala’s point of view, she confessed and learned from her mistake, as s he said “love is beautiful”, and as for mom she said to me “keep on learning piano, keep on writing, so you can put a good chunk of your feelings away, to think realistically, you have to see reality”. My mom disappointed me.

I careless now.

Oh, and Khala N’s uncalled efforts to find me a nice man, failed, as the man she sought to me, is not single apparently, is just his mom did not want him to marry his Christian girlfriend, after all, Muslim men can marry from the holy book believers legally.

Now, god, why are hell are you so sexist? Maybe you do not want Muslim women’s offspring to be non- Muslim, but why did you create this chaotic life anyway?

Oh, and mom advised, that I cannot express or show my so unreligious tendencies to the suitor who is proposing.

How can I have so much faith, if I can’t find god’s laws to be harmonious to the humanity I perceive and feel?

How am I supposed to defend Islam to the Taxi driver, if I can’t myself?

We don’t need religion. Enough division.

it is not in the empty face, interseting that is.....it is in the head !

2007-01-14T20:10:00.000-08:00

Couple of days ago my friend K called, but this time I picked up the phone since I was away for the past three weeks in North Carolina. This girl loves me a lot, and I do not know how to explain her love, I ignored her for long time, probably two or three months until this current day of this very minute. While on the phone, she asked me whether I blocked her on msn or not, and me with my very outrageous honestly, said yes, but I also, mitigated my outrageous honesty, so I gave her a fun, user friendly, extremely accessible excuses of “post graduation depression” and me being an extreme “introvert , I can’t but just laugh at my crap, although I must admit that the later is somehow true, I do feel I am a bit of an introvert, and I would rather to hang out online or with some interesting books, other than real boring, fake human beings.

The way I met K was through some Iraqi guy (which we both despise due to his double standards, gender wise), he knew K and he knew me, and he knew that both of us shared some mutinous thoughts against religion, she is an atheist, whilst I am an agnostic, but we did not know each other, however, according to his description of her, I recognized this K chick while I was writing my essay downstairs at the Uni’s basement. I looked at her, I asked if she was Iraqi, and asked if she was k, and continued exclaiming of what our gender specific, biased and shared “friend” have told me about her that she is ‘from my kind of people’, apparently, she clicked completely, but I clicked because she was one of the few Iraqis and Arabs who were like that, and I thought that she might as well, hear me speak and understand me.

I don’t want to go into details of my friendship with her, but this girl also, shared some problems that I had too, but she also, has some tragic family illness which made sadness into more sadness, but she is the type of a girl that always tries to look forward with optimism, and tries her best to do what she can, although still, she did not graduate yet, as an English major, she needs to type a lot, and now her hands are not working either, with all these things happening to her, I wonder why I am not with her, I wonder why I did not stick with her, and why do I still judge her, as a naïve person.
However, last summer, through her and me, our sisters were united, we formed a group, she and her sister, me and my two sisters, we used sit at their patio, eating watermelons, drinking tea, and our sisters smoking Shisha. Through her I met her sister J, she is really cool, fun to be with, she is also my age, and she made me realize, why I am not into K that much, J is cool, spontaneous, she does not go into the sudden rushed silence that K usually goes into, J listens, she does not interrupt, K does that a lot and that is annoying, J also, by the virtue of her age has more maturity, of course I am not saying age is always an indicator of wisdom and maturity, but in this case it is the truth, and J understand what the hell I am talking about, K I find her a bit hhmm slow, even though J is a college graduate, but what I really really, do not like about K is the fact that she thinks she is sophisticated because she took some philosophy courses where she can blab some sentence she memorized, well, I am judging her in here, and I am belitting her in here, but at least she has to be accountable for what she is, an atheist, right? She blames – 7asad/envy for her low grades, her inability to be focused on her studies(that’s way before her hands are not working, poor thing), I let her vent about it twice or three times, but I remember while me, her and her sister were sitting in some café, and after me and her sister exchanged some laughter, and happiness, which she was absent from, the change of the topic, was something about her grades, and how she has to improve, and then with all her audacity, she blamed “7asad/envy” for her downfall, me feeling very agitated, I asked her “how can you be an atheist, a proud atheist, if you believe in 7asad?”, her reply was a nervous laugh. That was a turn off for me.
I feel that I had enough with this girl, I felt I needed a better sophisticated friend, well, I am not all that, and I do not even consider myself as an intellectual, but at least I demand someone who has some common sense, or someone that has some clarity and maturity of how they think.
From that day, I kept a low profile, although I miss hanging out with J.

What made me even keep a low profile, is my friendship with H, a Libyan Canadian girl, a Muslim, and she wears the scarf by her choice, although not so lately, but nevertheless she is a Muslim.
H is five years younger than me, while K is two years younger than me, yet I find H way more matured and smarter than K, in the matter of fact, I learn when I talk to H, and what I love about H she got objectives, someone older than her like me even don’t have, she went back to Libya especially to be a doctor.
H is enlightening, through her I get to be exposed of how the world is biased towards females that wear the scarf, she is judged as being closed-minded and ultra conservative. When she got accepted to a highly renounced high school, which had few non-Caucasian students, she was sentenced as the future housewife through the eyes of many, this girl also, had to endure like so many other Arabic girls, the limited freedoms forced down her throat by her parents, in a Canadian society where personal freedom and judgments are highly valuable, but she was strong, I am proud that I was her cry shoulder when she needed, unlike K, I did not feel the same way, but coming to think of it, I feel weird, did I judge K, was I inhumane , or did I just find her plainly uninteresting?
With H I can hold a conversation and about any topic, she is not conservative, she believes in homosexual rights for example, I mean people wearing bikinis might not necessarily believe that, its funny how people judge others by their attire, honestly, going to bars, and wearing mini skirts does not mean enlightment of the masses, but H sophistication is, and I am not saying believing in homosexual rights means that a person is sophisticated…..

H is away in Libya now, and K is in here, I feel friendless locally speaking, and I feel i7sasless.
My sister thinks that I should explain myself to K of how I feel about certain things, I mean she loves me and cares about me a lot, she is probably the only f friend after H, that feels strongly about my existence, but hhhmm I do not care for some intellectual superficiality, if good heart and will are both there and for me!
I mean why do I have to find people interesting, should I call back after months of not seeing her?
Should I reply back the phone call, when I do not feel like it….i dunno…..

God blast history

2007-01-03T20:26:00.000-08:00

- More venting about the program -

I have more to say about the program, I did not watch the whole replay, only the last half quarter, they used names that make me itch, not necessarily for who they are, but the connotations behind them, words and names like “3alawi”, “9afawi”, “Hussien”, “Mu3awiya”. These names are just pure history for me, and they should not have implications on how I and other Iraqis should live, what matters in life is the human dignity, rights, freedoms, necessities like food, clothing, and the ultimate necessity, of course is safety.
But honestly, why can’t Iraqis liberate themselves from history, and historical propaganda that is so used and abused, how long should we dig in the same hole and get stuck in it.
It is time for rationality, and logical thinking, we should think about our economy, our dignity as people.
I love reading history so I can learn more, but we should also read history in order to change and make things up for the better, I always thought philosophically speaking, that history is a line in progress, maybe I am putting the west in mind, the kind of people that put archaic concepts behind and fought for their economic, civil and political rights, there is such thing as a minimum wage job in the west and that’s for a reason, women earned their rights because they fought for it, people separated religion from state and that was earned and was done for a reason, of course everything is relative, we do not have any modern leader that has announced publicly that he is an atheist, and nothing is perfect anyways. But the western liberal history is a progression and history is moving forward and the world can not bare its shortage at all, especially that the evangelical, extreme right is there, even its existence as a faint is dangerous, again the world can not bare its shortage, but in the Middle East, the soaring height of ignorance is disgusting, history does not move forward, history just moves into loops, it does not breath and be exposed to sunshine to kill these germs, it is the Mahdi that we are waiting for and the victimized notion of the self and its reflection upon a creation of a repeated history, unlearned, it is the definite fight with the Zionists, therefore no solution is to be found, it is the Middle eastern history, especially Iraqi history that is going into loops, into circles, not willing to be enlightened, forgive and to be forgotten. It is a rare incidence, if not it does not exist, that we have a new government in office, it has always been a huge mess, what does that tell us about us Iraqis?

2007-01-02T12:07:00.000-08:00

Mosawi and Jubouri on the Aljazeera

Itijah il mu3akis is showing right now, I watched it just for few minutes, I can not stand watching the whole program, it is despicable, disgusting, one sided, and predictable.
Couldn’t Faysal il 8asim choose better people to represent, but represent what? I think his choice of people is correct, he chose people rightly from the two mainstreams, from the two one-sidedness, two directions that can not meet, the ultimate Iraqi reality, and that is just fabulous for his program, since these two clashed from the first starting two seconds of the program.
Faysal opening’s claimed that thousands and thousands of emails he received, people sending their condolences for the death of the “martyr” Saddam Hussien, adding that one viewer from Tunis, paralleled Saddam’s “martyrdom” to that of Hussien, and Jesus, also he showed the initial static’s of the program’s poll –whether they are pro or against Saddam’s sentencing, four thousand people participated, a huge, crazy number, it seemed many viewers were waiting impatiently to release their excess anger and frustration , anyways, 88 point something percent were against.

After Faysal’s over cooked, sensationally hot, demographically viable introduction, he directed his first question to Mosawi, obviously a prominent Shi’a name, “what can you say to the Arabic street’s prominent opinion and beliefs” Faysal asked. Without letting him to continue, Jubouri jumped in like a parasite, interrupting the man, saying that he wants to start the program by reciting the fat7a – a verse in the Quran used for recitation over dead people’s bodies, yeah religious stuff. Him reciting the fat 7a, whilst Mosawi, continuing answering the question, was hilarious moment, but it ached me, so I just turned off the t.v. as everything deemed inevitable and predictable.
Totally sensational, yet great in depicting the mainstream mentality of both worlds, which is greatly reactionary, emotionally driven, I mean what is the use if both can’t be honest, and logical, can’t they just outline things they firstly agree on, to start a civilized dialogue, but then again, I can be biased on my own, but since I feel the need to be Iraqi first, I feel with infinite arrogance my discourse should be first and foremost. Now you wonder, what is this discourse, I will save it for later.

2006-12-28T21:08:00.000-08:00

the vigilant eyes awaken to taste reality, it is better, but its will makes it sweet, for it is a great challenge, a sweet great challenge.

that is my spirit for the time being :)

I pray for strength :)

realising home......

2006-12-27T16:14:00.000-08:00

I am not a bird, or a fly buzzing irritably around, killing the soft music of silence. I do not shift or migrate, I am solid, I am the black dot inside the white see of silence, I am there, I move, yes I do that, but I do not migrate, I prove myself in the black dot, my kingdom, I am and will always be courageous enough, not to escape but I face whatever it takes, if it takes my blood, I paint the dot with red passion, if takes skin, then I am made of a leopard skin, I am an animal, do not arouse my instinct, let me be in that dot, yes in that dot, I change in that dot, I connect in that dot, I make it happen in that dot, the dot dot dot, I do not migrate, no more, I stay where it aches and it is sweet, because that dot, that black dot is home.

2006-12-27T15:53:00.000-08:00

I do not wana blog, i dont wana rant, vent, I do not want to write, scribble, I do not want to speak, I do not want to hear, i dont wana shout, i dont wana sit, walk, run, i dont want to laugh, sleep, die, i dont want to be, but i DO want to do. I want to do. Do and achieve.

2006-12-22T15:46:00.000-08:00

Character is fate

- Agatha Christie

----------------------------------------

اگاثا هاي، خوش مره، تعرف شلون تلخص حچي بطريقه دراميه ، ذو صدى شگاگي، ايعيط متل عياط البعير، لا منصدوك ،اذا احچايتهه طب عليها صاروخ العباس، و تفجيرات و تفخيخات و مصايب سوده، شلون الشخصيه هاي مالت الانسان الفرد اتصير قدره.......لو هاي دا تحچي على الناس اللي يفكرون، تفكير عبقري مثل حضرته.....

يلا حان الآن موعد الثوره...

طيط

آمنت......في فلسفه تحشيشيه...

2006-11-23T18:17:00.000-08:00

الحب نتيجه عن.....انعجاب شخص بشخص اخر، وممكن لهذا الانعجاب يتطور لحب......او هل ممكن للحب ان
يتكون نتيجة رغبه و نزوه جسديه محرقه....هل الحب منهمر من شلال احنه مكوني في سراب احلامنا....هل الحب حقيقه، او حقيقه جزئيه نقدر ان نكملها بكليه مطلقه اذا فتحنا ابواب قلوبنا على مصراعيها....هل الحب تنور ذهني، فلسفه معينه، تعبر عن سحر عيون الساحر البارع الذي اخذ عقلي، و جعلني مني بنت تافه بدون عقل....هل الحب غذاء نفسي، ننشفه من قطرات ندى انفاس الناس الذي نحبهم.........
كيف يحصل الحب، لما البكتيريا تتكاثر اسرع و لما سهام الحب تتعثر اكثر، لما كثرة الحروب، و لما قلة الرومانسيات ، على الاقل في عالمي، اليابس ، اليائس، الممل......
لما لاد فأ حنان امي، و ابي و اخواتي لا يكفي عقلي، روحي، نفسي، شعري، بصري، رؤيتي، لما هذه الرغبه في حصول على هذا الحب الخيالي، لما خيالي يخيبني بصنع لوحات خياليه لا احد يقدر ان ينالها سوى الخيال نفسه، يعني الخيال ينتمي للخيال....و الحقيقه لها بيتها..

انا آمنت بان نصنع من الحقيقه خيال ، و ننسج من روح الخيال وجدانيه حقيقيه جذابه، لمساتها حنونه متواضعه، و قبلاتها منهمره من شلال خيالي فاسق، الهامي، جنسي، محموق على ان نصنع من الحقيقه خيال.....
يلا وين هذا الحلو حتى احوكه و اسوي چاكيت حلو على كدي!
:D

A is not for Apple, Alone!

2006-11-16T18:21:00.000-08:00

Today after work, I went to see Y, the supervisor I had for my volunteering job, she wanted me to help D, an English teacher at the center teaching English for the new comers.
His students have varying levels of competence in the English language, and he could not review each lesson for each group, so I took group number two.
But I knew that one of the two students, was an Iraqi lady, in her early fifties, it is funny and surreal, how her Iraqi accent stood before my eyes as if it is a real chunk of land from AyiraK, ok ok, the “sikisteen” was definitely an Arab genre type of accent, but damn, did not I just die when she said “chibis”, while explaining her trip to food basic, upon D’s request at the start of the lesson how each student should explain of what he/she did during the week.
And oh, “ChilidRReen” !! :D

So, I ended up reviewing the numbers for them, and we did review some old vocabs, when we stumbled about the word “alone”, I asked if they know this word, she gave me some look, she said “I alone, live in mayi apaRRtmaint”, that’s how she recognized the meaning of the word, she looked sad for a bit, I asked the where abouts of her family, she told me that her “chilidreen” are in Jordan, Amman. She is an old woman, in a country she is new to, but then I could not stop, I asked how she came here and some other related questions, she felt a bit uncomfortable, and I just continued with the reviewing.

But then, I decided to go home when it was break time, I could not stay that long, I had to go home, I was tired and bored, and when I told her, that I will be going home, she almost jumped from her seat, wishing me to stay even more, wasn’t she ever so happy to discover another Iraqi soul such as herself. I proceeded with no thinking, and ever so spontaneously, I wrote my number on the tissue paper that I used previously to draw the meaning of the vocab, boat :D , and so I gave it to her. She is alone after all, she looked at me with happiness, but what so strange, she asked “ya3ni ani agdar akhbrich 3ala hatha il ra8um, ya3ni a7aslich?” (“I can call you on that number, can I get you on that number?”), deep down inside, I was “Duh, that’s why I gave it to you”, I left the classroom, seeing her big, wide smile following me until the exit.
I was apathetic to the volunteering thingi, but she made me feel something!

ham dokhat il faransi again...

2006-11-12T17:34:00.000-08:00

This is the second internship I can not apply to because I can not read/write/speak French, and it was tailored to the skills I have as an IR graduate, not fair, and it is in Sydney Australia, my heart is broken, but my mind is alert thinking of learning this damn language.

ciao for now… I prefer Italian though! :D

Motivation, from where can I buy one kilo of motivation and presistence?

2006-11-08T20:56:00.000-08:00

Before the natural inevitable mistake of procreation, and therefore, before inventing the need and the necessity to plant the crops to feed horny, stupid peoples’ babies, and that is inventing agriculture, human beings used to work only, ONLY two days a week, now, it is the opposite, simply because we have to. Ooof!

And after me delving into my freedoms, and after I have entertained my ears with melodies and rhythms of one of my favorite songs since high school, it goes like “we don’t need no education, trahhh, we don’t need to self control, trahhhh, got sarcasm in the classroom trah, hey teacher leave them kids alone, tan tan tan…” ah, it keeps my now-dull, grown up spirit alive, it keeps me motivated, but honestly, how did I get to university, if I have always unconsciously felt that way, which just now, I have discovered that I do not like to work, and I despise responsibilities, and I careless for details, although I love to be stimulated to know the knowledge of how this universe is made, and I love to make art expression of how I perceive the beauty and the ugliness of this world I live in.
I feel that, I …am a mere reflection of artistic stimulation my body, heart, soul feel, I draw the chains I see through politics that suffocate…me , whether it is political economy, socially political, or merely sexually political, I write, what I feel, and kiss the paper for the words I miss to hear where nuclear talk is what overwhelming the sphere, --that just rhymed yes—I just I do not hear love, What motivated me, to do my degree, International relations, is not my love to politics, but my love to my country, through this love, I became an idealist, even though the love is still there, my apathetic attitude is certainly making me feel apathetic about everything political, I just want to go on about my love, and live happily after, in the matter of fact, I lack ambitions, all I want to do, is to be relaxed, have fun time, read books, learn, I am currently trying to teach myself piano, I want to enjoy Arts, I discovered I have done a major mistake that I chose this field of study, even though I enjoyed it, enjoyed it a lot, it was like munching yummy chocolate after each class I attended, politics for me was like dark chocolate…but even though I enjoyed it, I felt that I was left unchallenged, a lot of people leave IR because they can’t handle the economics, and I managed to get my act all together with the economics, in the matter of fact, I loved analyzing and evaluating economic and market policies, I love stock exchange and all the bullshit behind the speculation acts and what not, I do love this dry side of politics, I do love to study political economy, and even political philosophy, it makes me feel alive, but , I can not imagine myself working with such knowledge in the real world, I discovered I like the thought process, of philosophy, politics, and economics, and if I ever liked to express anything in any real value as in real salary, career and all the ugly stuff, I would never like to imagine myself in a formal suit, or be in real positions working with MPs, I feel dry, I feel so un me, I just do not like it, but I would rather to express my social sciency knowledge or curiosity in a rather artistic forms, but certainly I can not play any musical instrument and certainly I do not have the consistency and REAL ambition to sit down and write a real play and a movie script as I want to.
I gota face the truth, I am a real bum in the inside, or probably what I am looking for, is not career oriented yet, I do not want to be in yet, I want to have friends, real friends, I want to travel, I want to make human contacts, I am so sick and tired, of doing what I have to do just because it sounds like the next step to do, honestly, I feel like belonging to some kind of island, clan, tribe, full of hippies, free thinkers, in touch with themselves kind of people, I totally reject the way life is run in this world, the total dependency on materialistic gains, to pay the bills, the mortgage, the routine, I do not want to know people who shop because they have nothing to do, or to expect some shopping healing therapy. I want to be in a world, where real people exist, the self-development I seek, is rather communal and not so individualistic, I can not take it anymore, I thought I became exogenous from the “community” or my need for people, especially if I have real cool sisters, but the dream of that hippi people’s island is still in my head, and it is not going away.
I am still abstract, how the hell, an abstract person such as me, can survive in this world, where positions are held by people who are outgoing, big mouth and talkative, pay attention to boring details, and egoism driven.

What should I be?

I do not know, time only can tell.

But honestly, I have not opened my “piano for dummies” for the last two days.

Guilty, but so are others!

2006-11-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

The Iraqi community seems rather ecstatic, my friends’ msn title all pertain joyous messages over Saddam’s death verdict, Iraqi online forums are all hyped up with happiness, and most of Iraqis are keeping busy congratulating each other over this very “happy” moment.
As for me, I feel nothing, and I do not think that I am living a glorious moment, and I am no where close enough to be a Ba’thi sympathizer, I do not like to throw personal experiences that my family lived and went through in the air for the sake of creating a self-victimized anecdote, but I have to say it, yes, my father was imprisoned and he was on the verge of losing his life, because of a simple crime that he cursed Saddam Hussien publicly, he instantly got reported by Saddam's secret intelligence, and jailed, its funny we did not know where he disappeared for a while.
No Iraqi needs to be affiliated in any political opposition to Saddam to feel Saddam’s reign of oppression, because he with quite of a magic touch, influenced and affected every Iraqi soul you can think of, the very fact that I am Canadian now, is because of Saddam Hussien, and the so many dreams I have dreamt ever since I was a child in relation to my country, like going how I wanted to go to a university in Baghdad, never took place because of Saddam, and not only those pink like child dreams, but real messy, hard life that I had to endure like changing my high school six times, I had to leave friends behind and re-make new friends again, the very fragile life my family lived before we became Canadian, from Visa issues, not knowing to what country we should go to, since our Iraqi passport and nationality did not give us that many of options, and again, thanx to Sadam Hussien, the “savior” of the Iraqi nation, and thanx again for messing and screwing up Iraq big time, one of the richest countries in the world, we Iraqis kept a stright line in queues to get our food rations, and the piece of chicken as a Makrama during Ramadan, and thanx Sadam Hussien for creating his envisaged, dreary Iraqi nation, which only gave birth to collaborators whom they brought foreign rule, and occupying our country until this moment.

But I wonder, with all the pain my family had to go through, just to get away from Saddam’s Iraq, why I find myself not so joyous over his death sentence.

I mean, Saddam Hussien is and still is, the way I curse life or whatever when I feel mad, I use the infamous life “kharab Saddam”, a lot of Iraqis use it, its cool and comes quite handy, since it is so expressive of how we feel!

But why, I do not feel joyous over this sentence.

The big, big reason, Saddam’s overthrow and deposition into the trash bin, did not become a reality through Iraqis earnest hard work, and what I mean by Iraqi, I mean real Iraqis, who lived in Iraq and endured what Iraqis went through, and not because of some dogmatic force, that will later be used as propaganda to divide the masses.

Saddam’s sentence, is America’s hard work, it is the plan that America envisaged, especially that elections are coming and they do need some sensational Hollywood moves in here, eh! So let them flex their muscle, and show what they’ve got really happening in Iraq, covering their death tolls with something even more emotionally trendy.

Saddam’s sentence is politically right, it suits power politics, hence the powerful rules, but it is not in according to fairness.
I have Milosovic, I wonder, is he still having his juice in his prison, why isn’t he sentenced to be hanged as well, wasn’t he responsible for heinous war crimes, notoriously famous for ethnic cleansing?!

And what happens to other dictators, why indict Saddam and not Mugabe, why is there still so many other dictators roaming around freely with no International rule restriction over their foul, criminal misbehaviors.

There are so many ruthless figures have gotten their ways, for example, Henry Kissinger, whose responsible for the death of a large number of south East Asians, also, he got some misbehavior in Latin America. How about George Bush, dashing in to a country with no legal claim, barging into a country with no responsibility to maintain law and order, but only to perpetuate lawlesness, the Abu Ghraib scandal, I would like to see a real trial over what happened over there, and to verify whether there was instruction from top to bottom to normalize torturous means into the investigation query.

And not only foreign bullies, how about other Iraqis responsible for killing other Iraqis, I know Saddam was a hyena, I know the Iranian-Iraqi war served no purpose, but how about other collaborators responsible for killing other Iraqis, the ones who collaborated with Iran against Iraqis, killing Iraqi soldiers during the war. It is wrong and very wrong to think that Saddam is the only one, there are the others.

Trial should include for all the ones who have killed an innocent Iraqi live, and responsible in destroying our homeland.

I would have applauded this trial process, later the verdict, whether death penalty or not, if it would have been a solely Iraqi process, coming from the ethos of the Iraqi people and nothing else, I would have applauded this verdict if it was not tailored to suit the interests of foreign occupying forces in my country, and I would have applauded this verdict, if Iraqi people were smart enough to be a unified force, and one voice, and not clashing over a death sentence that has nothing to do with them and quite exogenous to their very wants and desires!

But then again, Saddam is guilty!

Personal discoveries and more questions to go?

2006-10-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

For me now, spirituality is praying for goodness and goodness alone, it washes away waste, dust, mud, and all the plethora of germs and useless worldly pleasures, spiritually is creating the principled ethics that I make my decisions from, it trims away the unnecessary baggage that freedom can bring upon me, this total freedom which gave me the ability to o discover so many things, but it could have been pricey. Without conscious, and an awakened heart, one will go lost at the bottom of worldly pleasures, and the more one gets of this pleasure, the more empty it he/she would feel, and the more hardened the heart it would feel, while the soul, it would complain that it can not go any further, it is still stationed, idle, doing nothing, has no air, nothing in, there is no food, gas, and real stimulation to run its engine.
I have always wondered, why Churches, Mosques, Synagogues, and Temples, why Imams, Clerks, Popes, Shamans?
Why religion, why believe?
And why spirituality?

Religions and their existences as the lady that gave birth to spirituality, but not! The human ardent search for the endless questions of existence, and the urgent human need to fill the void inside, and not to get lost in so many seemingly amicable human emotions, which spirituality can by itself end all the misery of going down to the bottom. Spirituality is the only one responsible for discovering higher ideals, from these higher ideals; we get morality, and then the human’s first honest effort to write down these discoveries in books hence religions, but then again, human can pervert, pervert all, therefore books are not reliable in my books, and I need to question even more.
This spirituality realizes a higher being, it is discovered, before I called it my watch angels, and they can be the opposite for the purposes of enlightenment, ie. You do a bad dead, something bad in return will happen to you, although not the case all the time.
History, also teaches us that we humans have always searched for the creator and the progress of this discovery became into monotheist belief, it is rather funny how humans made statues symbolizing or believing that it is, it, god or the goddess. Going monotheist, is the ultimate result of finding the creator, and it is also, the ultimate power of human strength to communicate with god or the natural spirit of this universe.

I was an agnostic, I did not believe in any absolute truth, and I could not also, omit god’s existence, but I named god, a natural power that with all my human senses I can not explain.
But now, I just made a simple substitution, unknowingness became believing in 3ilm il ghayb, and now, I believe in some sort of karma, and other godly way of communication to us, to enlighten us.
I dunno, I believe right now, in the spiritual discoveries of religions, I believe in some of the moral commandments (golden rule) they have discovered through spirituality, yet they are changeable as we all still in a spiritual progress. I definitely have problems with the conventional idea of Hell and Heaven, as I believe that doing good in order to go to heave is the downfall of morality itself, I believe in discovering goodness and to be closer to god.

I still have more questions, I have read some few soras from the Quran, I did find what I needed in some parts, whilst, some others, I did not need, want or believe.
I enjoy reading, surat al fati7a, and it means a lot to me, also, sorat al fala8 and nas, however, I still have problems with more sorats. I am also, intending to read other religions; I need to know more about Christianity, and Buddhism.
I would say that, I can be as spiritual as I want to be, in any religion or believe I feel like, I dunno, if that makes be a bahai, I really don’t know and I don’t care if my believes don’t subscribe to whatever mainstream religion.
But in the time being, I try my best to be good, I say hamdulah, astaghfurulah, and la7awola wala 8uwat ila bilah, and I feel the sakeena (peace).

Salam

إكتشاف روحي....

2006-10-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

في ظلمات الأزقة الرأسماليه،هناك أبناء لم ترة أبائها و أمهاتها لمده طويلة، طويلة، ترهق القلب ولعا، لكنهم، مشغولهن، كلهم، مشغولون.......في ظلمات الشهوى الرأسمالية الفرديه، تغوص النفس البشريه في عمق الفراغ الأبدي، لا روح لديها، مجرد سيارة ماديه، هائمه في شوارع الشهوات و النزوات، تأمل في الإمتلاء ، نعم إمتلاء المعدة، و العين، و النزوات المؤقتة، الزائفه، فهناك الغلام اليتيم، يبكي على أبه، و هناك ما لما يسأل عليه أحد....في ظلمات الرأسماليه، هناك أنحطاط، إجتماعي، جرثوم يفكك النسيج العائلي......لم أكن أرى الشي الجيد في وجودية ربي، إلا عندما سأمت من فراغ روحي، و كيف هناك حب بين ناس، و إذا بالروح جوفاء، كيف أقبل الخير لأجل الخير، إذا إندفاعي مادي، أه....سبيل الروح في الروحانيه، تحسس الروحانيه، غذاء نفسي، لكي لا أضيع نفسي، و حب الله، حب الله، حب الله، أستغفر الله......و حدانية ربي، أجدها في خيراتي ربي من تعاليمه، و كم كنت أجادل مع أمي، و ما شأن قوانين ربي في عقلي، كنت بغروري أثق أن خططي العقلية ليس لها من مثيل، فأنا مدبرة قوانيني الشخصية، فإذا بفراغ صدري، و في ضيعاني، كنت أعتقد أنه أكتشاف نفسي، وجدت تدابير الله، أستغفر الله، أستغفر الله.....
ما هي قوانين ربي، إلا بأصدارات روحانية، لا يعلمها الله إلا إلينا.نعم إلينا....أستغفر الله......أستغفر الله، و أتوب إلليه.......

أستغفر الله....

in7irgat a39abi, galbi itakasar, itmaza8....

2006-10-10T01:15:00.000-07:00

I read the latest entries of Miraj in her blog Baghdad Chronicles http://blog.aliraqi.org/, what a sad story, I swear, I felt really sad when I read it, I can not imagine myself in the place of um Hasan, wala, it is really sad, so I wrote this poem to express my anger and sadness, and my great contempt against this ugly war brought upon the lives of innoncent Iraqi civilians, may god and the good forces of nature be with them.

wala galbi inshila3 shal3eh,

Here is it,

Titled: Price of War

Longing,
Where infinity cannot reach.
Chocking,
The innocents’ hearts with war and its sordid mischief.
Distancing,
Between the bullets, her kisses cannot reach.
Aching,
The wound of her love to him, she digs her fear,
away away,
in the black box of silence, (solemn ) ….. melancholy and sadness are here.
Spilling,
Avalanche of love she feels,
to him,
no where, he is found,
Kidnapped, missing, taken, away… away!
But,
he still lives in the sight of her eyes,
her stomach,
womb,
flesh,
and through her tears;
her ears, hear his echo from a distance,
Imagining him, his touch, his kisses…
She cries in her labor,
in his name,
“Oh dear, oh dear, my love, your baby son, Hasan is here!”

:(

Bluntly Generalizing Men

2006-10-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

Generalizing Men -=- Lets have some fun!!

African-American, African-Canadian, African-European – witty, confident, courageous, and honest with one’s feelings. The best when it comes to approaching women.
Type: hot chocolates, good to slurp to heat the body in winter.
Husband Material: 5/10

Canadian – they pass as polite boys but the truth is, they can’t ask a girl out, nor have any confidence to do so, only if they are intoxicated with booze, bars are mostly the place for them to meet potential mates, their greatest difficulty is to figure out what women want. The advantage is, women learn how to be the pants, but they will always bitch of how horrible men are.
Type: cold vanilla to add some cream to sour nights, nothing less or more.
Husband Material: 5/10
Observation: watch out for the shy guys, they make great husbands if you can compromise with your ambitions.

Americans – edgy, witty, foxy, sexy and funny. They are never afraid to strike any joke, they are great when it comes to break the ice, and they know how to seduce women, they are just fun, however they make bad politicians.
Type: hot.
Husband Material: 5/10
Observation: watch out for the cultured and humbled ones, they are great.

Arabs – All about extremism. Either the religious guy or the sayi3 pimping everywhere.

Arabs – Iraqis – He is either the shy, traditional guy that can not ask a girl out, probably he will ask his mom to pick his wife, or the super duper opposite, loose and just loose, with some double standards. And reactionary.
Type: alrighty..
Husband Material: 7/10
Watch out for the guys in the middle of the spectrum, educated, enlightened and handsome, they make great husbands.

Arab – Lubanese – Extremism is found, only there are more guys in the middle of the spectrum as in comparison of the above.
Type: They can have romantic features, over plucking eyebrows sometimes is not attractive for guys, and too dressy, which can be a turnoff,
Husband Material:7/10

Arab – Egyptian – Extremism is found, fewer guys in the middle compared to the above, they rather come in extreme packages, people with wahabi li7ya walking down the University campus or pimping, good advantage, their romantic character come in extreme, and there you go, you have your 3abd il 7aleem, enjoy!
Type: alirghty.
Husband Material:7/10

Arab- Syrians – Extremism is found; almost same as above, more balanced guys are found. They are very polite, and can acquire nice flirtation tactics, but can be very boring. More traditional, and laid back.
Type: alrighty.
Husband Material: 7/10

Arab-Palestinians – Extremism is found, and vivid. They are great when it comes to approaching women; they have the character to please females. They are manly, and never shy to say what they want, great when it comes to flirting, although can be sexist.
Type: Hot. The hottest among Arab guys, although there are sleaze balls out there, better watch out.
Husband Material:6/10

Indians – Their charm come from their sensuality, although they can be totally horrible if they don’t like the girl. They know how to have great fun and they totally dig Arab chicks, they are more liberal, and hip.
Type: Alrighty.
Husband Material:6/10

Polish – Shy guys that pretend to have it all. Traditional and can be very boring.
Type: Mostly plain and boring, but their nice looking blondies must be spoken of.
Husband Material: 7/10

Now, I don’t have any other group of men to generalize, too bad!

Inspiration to activism.

2006-09-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

People that want to do something inspire, the ones that stay idle, stay as it is.

With my very short, blogging experience, distances between me and some other Iraqi bloggers from outside Iraq just like me are shortened, I have discovered that there are Iraqi individuals who want to do something to uplift Iraq in any practical means possible and attainable to them. One notable Iraqi American activist Nayj - http://hagardiaries.blogspot.com/ , thought that we should brains storm and think of what we can do to help Iraq. Little Penguin from http://iraqi-signor.blogspot.com/ commented once in my blog, exclaiming … “How am I meant to contemplate my existence or meditate whilst tens of Iraqis are being killed everyday? It's impossible,” even though he sounded very emotionally outraged and exaggerative at least to me, his patriotism is distinguished
After my realization about some Iraqi bloggers, I chit chatted with an Iraqi online friend of mine from New Zealand, I have known him for the past six years, he told me, that he and some of his friends will be starting a group using the advantage of Media to spread their views of Iraqi unity and patriotism, and he asked me to be the Canadian representative, which I of course accepted.

The point is, there are many Iraqis that want to do something, and we just need collective efforts, and the will. But it should not be sudden, or abruptly, it should be gradually, I believe there should be social activism at first, which can definitely lead to be a political one. We need to bridge the distances between Iraq’s different political views; we should hinder and halt any propaganda and their effects in making perceptions of the other, the other “group.”

Iraqis outside Iraq can contribute to great activism than the ones inside, in the matter of fact; we can help the activism inside Iraq. Iraqis inside Iraq do not have as much as mobility as we do abroad. I remember watching a documentary in Aljazeera about Egyptian bloggers, and it was great to watch, and it was amazing of how much power a blogger can have, not only a blogger can show human rights abuse through the snap shots he took from his camera to broadcast it online, but also, they can also assemble protests, and make their voice heard! I thought to myself, how come educated, patriotic Iraqi youth are not doing that as well, the answer is simple; we just have more bombs dropped in Iraq than in Egypt.
The question then is, how can activism thrive in such an insecure environment, not only intellectuals are murdered but the educated are leaving en masse and they can’t wait to leave!
How can we Iraqis formulate some sort of activist civil society?
I am looking for answers. Any creative thoughts?

But I must admit, I though of activism ever since I started blogging, but the thought died away, probably that my realization that there are quite a good number of Iraqis that want to do something, was not there, since I have not discovered that “many” that want to do something.

And now, I just want to attach something really old, an email I wrote to some friends, I wrote it when my uncle was given the ultimatum to leave Basra because of his sect. I Thought of doing something, and I could not do, now, my uncle he can’t go back, and is applying for his immigration to Canada, of course with the financial help of my mom and my other uncle, but how about the very poor!

Here it is:
First of all, excuse me if I come across that I know it or too naively ambitious due to limitations, which I know off.

The Iraqi people should know who is doing them good and who is not. Therefore, reporting human rights abuses is our first step, we should publicize our findings to enlighten the population because it is in my opinion for the interest of the Iraqi nation, Iraqis should learn and know how much it is important to stick with each other. An Iraqi fighting another Iraqi is just ill and horrible, and it is even more morbid once one realizes that the forces behind it are either foreigner or Iraqi powers that cares only about its certain group, and I am talking about everybody in here.

Apart from reporting human rights abuses whom we should work in coordination from trustworthy sources inside Iraq whom both Arabic and non-Arabic media are chicken scared to report, we should also, work on the social level, by educating Iraqis on many misconceptions that have been fed to them by powerful elites whom I think care only about exerting their power. I believe that Iraqis whether outside or inside, see only their clouded thoughts, and these clouds are their sense of victimization that their sect probably only the one that has been victimized, with us educating them, and reporting human rights abuses, people will see the Big picture and not be only overwhelmed by their own life examples whom they very well can attest that they are being hurt because they were Christians, Sunnis, Shia’s or Mandeans for example.

I totally believe that the Iraqi people are ready to work on having a great, stable life, it is just they do not know how to work together on this, therefore we should help to accentuate the culture of ta3awin, or helping each other regardless of background or any other regional differences. In Iraq or the greater Middle East, we do not have the culture of voluntary work, everyone seems to be stuck in their own lives, I believe in promoting such culture, and every individual should feel that they can help, a lot of people feel helpless or un-ambitious on what their abilities can do, even in the west they are people like that.

Iraqis should discover other Iraqis; they should discover that we all want to live a great life in our country and that we all want a country that we feel proud of belonging to it.

I am well aware of our limitations, but step after step we will have more succinct plant on how to get to our goals, the west did not reach to the way it is, it only reached its height when people knew what was the right thing to do, Iraqis should get their rights and fight for their rights, or else we will be puppets directed by our bosses of Iran and the USA.

That is at least theoretically, practically I do not know how to grow, but I know our first step is for instance forming this network.

Finding what is in there?

2006-09-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

There is nothing I appreciate from ticking clocks and time progression, only that of maturity. Yes, I find maturity and being matured is one of life’s valuable assets. It clarifies the mind, it gives a lot of understanding of one’s self, therefore one can make the right decision without harming one’s self or others. It is purely peaceful tranquility, it is just majestically the calm blue sea, it is love at its ease, and I wish everyone inner peace.
The thing is, human beings are so complex regardless of how simple and naïve a person maybe perceived or how he/she perceives their selves. We are made of so many interlaying, entangling emotional feelings, and our responses and reactions to them can be really vague, incomprehensible and obscure at times, and then the stupid - confusion – takes over.
I hate it when I am confused. It is like the rage of the sea monsters, and you wonder from where did these fictional monsters arise from, how and why?
And it takes a lot of courage, and inner strength to clarify the self, to know the self. And one should be independent from the mainstream genre, one should really see one’s self through the perspective of one’s self, I am not trying to be too individualistic, we are social beings afterall, but at times, too much dictation from what the socialization process to be ‘normal’ or the pressure to be along the lines of being ‘normal’, can hinder one’s ability to understand one’s self.
Not what works for everyone, but it works for they self, a lot of people may say “Duh”, but not a lot of people realize that, and not a lot of people realize of the courage of drawing their own conclusions that are suitable to their own well being, and the empowerment they can can feel if they do so.
Understanding one’s self and knowing the principles that one can find through observation, contemplation and meditation, therefore maturity is one powerful feeling and that reaching the ‘being’, and that reaching ‘inner strength’.

2006-09-01T17:35:00.000-07:00

I dump my fears in the black hole, in the universe I swim and dive where time as a creation does not count, only celebration and truth I count, creation is me, I wear the stellar shine as my gold, the sun’s jerking fire are my strands of hair, I swim and swim in the universe, fearless, as my fears are in the black hole, I am free, free to what I want, my strength is not the coldness of the moon, but down to earth, I am, my heart is warm.

Anarchy does work!

2006-08-31T14:58:00.000-07:00

Check out this video, it is hilarious...it is amazing there was no car accident whatsoever! Sharp!
Enjoy :)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2063667852598904740&hl=en

2006-08-26T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, one of my best friends was back from Libya, it was one year and I did not see her, I was preparing the kubeh with my mom, since they are also, family friends, we were making, the usual, the feast to welcome them.

While I was making the kubeh,- butaiteh chab, I did not feel the will or the power to see her again, I felt, she is gone, why see her again, I was apathetic, I cared less to see her.

Me and mom, we prepared the food, cleaned, and tied up our place, I was still feeling lethargic at heart, I cussed and fussed about the Arabic/Iraqi culture of how we make a big deal when someone comes to our place, I also, pitied myself for being so insensitive and ugly in the inside.

When it was time, the bell rung, I saw my friend, she gave me a long, warm hug, I wanted to feel something, and I could not.

I was inhuman. I hated myself, I mean sometimes feelings are the only thing that we have in this world and in richness, but I had them in poor.

But once we started talking, I figured out, why I liked her, I love my friend, the warmth we feel with each other, the feeling of home we feel with each other, I felt she was so relieved being here, with me and with my sister and mother and everything.

And I am so proud of her; she is done with her first year in medicine. My friend I wish you all the best, and I love you, and I am saying this, not because she will be reading this, but I feel like saying it.
Having to go through these bizarre feelings of emotional instability with my friend, my mom is leaving to North Carolina tomorrow, and I think I will break into tears (I never cry when people leave), I mean, she had two jobs before where she lived away from us, but now, I do not think I can take it any longer, damn, I love my mom and I want her home, the whole place had a new feel when she came, even though she was nagging as usual, but ……………….I will try to be stronger, one perquisite to survive in this world. But I must admit, I am getting too tired.

I wrote this today:

الناس رايحه و راجعه
و الگلب مفطور.

ساكنة حب الهوى
و الهوى مفقود.

روحت حبايبي و سفرهم،
مثل نسمة الهوى بالعلالي..إتشيلني،
و تعوفني بلاية هوى...ما موجود..

رجعة و روحه...بالطيارة لو بالريل..
فوك و جوه....
الگلب مهزوز...مهزوز..

Political Analysis

2006-08-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

There seems to be a new “modeh” to attach the nationality Iraqi with more detailed sectarianism, living abroad, this new “modeh” I have witnessed is mostly and if not always coming from non-Iraqis.
There is the type that wants to appear all knowing, probably as news paper-intellectuals, and there is this type whom they think that they are the top-notch political analysts, visualizing Iraqi politics in a very discreet, absolutist either white or black type of analysis, leaving so many intricate, details in the trash bin.
The supposed, ever so existent Sunni and Shi’a schism is not the only analytical tool of Iraqi politics, I do not hear much about the tainted secularism, or anything about class issues in Iraq, after all, we are one hell of a “6aba8i” society.
Not so long go, women in Iraq used to wear mini skirts in their universities’ campuses, Iraq had the first female judge in the whole, wide Arab world and Middle East, and ages ago, Sunnis and Shi’as from the same social class had more in common with each other, than with their counterparts from the lower social strata.

Why is there a lot of ignorance about class struggles in Iraq, isn’t one of the reasons of why communism found quite of a receptive audience in Iraq?Iraqis started hearing stories of a female Engineer marrying a trucker, this did not happen before. Wasn’t there also, Shi’a political parties attracting Sunni’s political activists, so both and together to combat the wide spreading secularism in Iraq. The later, might not be so much of a use for political analysis today, but the history of this type of the Iraqi political scene makers were not absolute in complexion, even with the proposed variables I am offering for more detailed Iraqi political analysis, I am, also, being discreet.

Why can’t people admit, Iraq has always been a volatile, crazy place, it was never defined in absolutism, or else, you will have error inscription all over, and isn’t that what is happening!
So, why do I hear in the media of this absolutist, blunt analysis of Iraqi politics and society, so deterministic into made-up blocks, Sunni’s and Shi’as.

For all those foreigners, you think you know me if you knew I was Sunni’s or Shi’a, and likewise, for all those stupid, Iraqi politicians, they think they know me and who I support because of my background, did not Iraq witness brothers and sisters, part of them atheists, part Sunni’s and part Shi’as, aren’t there tribes in Iraq, that are partly Shi’a and partly Sunnis, how about Baghdad, how stupid of them trying to divide a city that is so “mixed” in every orientation possible; funny I use “mix”, I am sorry, but I do not accept such a silly term, I just need it to get in your head, you fool.
I never knew what my parents were, Sunni’s or Shi’as, only when I came to Canada, call me stupid, ignorant, whatever, I careless, but I sincerely did not know what kind of sect my parents belonged to, and I also, talked to couple of Iraq-Canadians, and they found the same thing, they did not know what kind of sect they belonged to. In Iraq, I do not remember people asking others if they were Sunni’s or Shi’as, it was “3aib” and nashaz, y3ani shameful and odd. And even when I try to remember my childhood friends, I have difficulty figuring out who is Shi’a or Sunni, we simply do not know, probably we were little kids, but this kind of culture and identity politics, even if it existed in realms I did not experience before, is exacerbating, I mean we have political parties according to one’s religious sects, call me a self-imposing secularist, but that does not make sense, at least to me. I mean Iraq need political parties that offer economic solutions, some sustainable development plans, something to progress social well-fare of the Iraqi people, something to combat SECTERIANISM and not to promote it, probably end those stupid militias, are those stupid politicians thing they can do something about the militias, in a country where its politics all run by identity politics, each group feel frightened, security is needed to all Iraqis. In the end, the very plebian masses of the Iraqi society are the ones who are paying the price, not the elitists, and the very weakness of these masses is that they listen to these elitists, Iraqis should be given books, or at least history books, so they can know they their grandparents long time ago, had a civilization to offer to the world and not disgusting ignorance. (I actually voice my concern to give books to the entire middle east/Arab world).
If only people felt the love to their country, and I must admit, I am just writing in here, and I will be eating my mom’s home made ba8lawa. Damn, i live in luxury! I am thankful.

2006-08-16T19:37:00.000-07:00

Feeling a bit homesick lately, i wrote this.

The heart is a flower,
Wilting,
Dying,
It needs you.
In the darkness,
It feeds from its sadness,
The beacon, is you,
My hope,
My Iraq,
It is you,
Wilting because of you,
It needs you my Iraq,
Water thee, from your Euphrates,
Your Tigress.
Let me regain what I have lost,
Your love, my home.
Oh, I do not dither,
The heart, the mind, Uniting, choosing you,
My love, you are my motherland,
Oh by the names of Inana and Ishtar
My heart is Trembling,
Estranged,
In a strange land,
but,
no longer feeling estranged of your vicious inside,
Your violence and killer bombs,
For that I know, it is not you.
I am writing poetry,
Of a strange link to my essence,
My Mesopotamian essence,
my true vernacular.
Oh, I swear by the name of your palm trees,
Not you who brought the scourge and the plague,
Not you who brought the rapist, the murders,
Not you who raised the devils.
My love, Iraq, I want you back,
My country.

2006-08-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

Men, they are either like a rainy, moon season or not, they never come in time when they are wanted, or come in time when things are not so welcoming of them, they have cyclical mood swings, almost like a rush hour and then it dies.
I do not care anyways, I am tired, busy, and workaholic for the time being.

I shine in the dim light

2006-08-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

One of the predicaments of changing places a lot is that knowledge whether that of movies, songs, jokes, food, etiquette, and whether tomatoes are fruits or vegetables, differs. Yes, I have been taught through out my agriculture (zira3eh) classes in Iraq that Tomatoes are vegetables and are not fruits, and before, I could not imagine a salad without tomatoes.
Last week my coworker, an old lady was chitchatting about her garden, and how she had to deal with the excess amount of tomatoes she planted, luckily she made all the excess tomatoes - salsa, a pretty good option, and especially good for making real good margas.
While she was telling me all this, I exclaimed with great admiration for her efforts “wow, it is really good that you plant your own vegetables”
She glimpsed at me, for a second, she gave me a stupid look, and yes, thanx for my memory, I recalled that in here, in Canada, tomatoes are actual FRUITS. Oh wow, I just gave the impression that I was actually stupid, I could have rephrased my sentence and said “wow, it is really good that you plant your own tomatoes”, but oh well, that is the price I am paying for living in different countries, and I have always loved my agricultural class back home, the teacher name was Najla, we used to nick name her, Fijla, and no we did not grow any fijil in that class, and sorry, I do not know what is the name for fijil in English, oh I just miss the Iraqi fijil, it used to be hot, yam yam!

She seemed not caring to correct me, she wanted to talk about whatever to pass time, then our next conversation, after some customers of ours cleared out, was about schools somehow, and apparently I leaked some personal information, that I went to six high schools.

She was “oh, busy shopping for schools, I hate kids when they do that”

It hurts, really hurts, I mean, it hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts. Since, when I had the stupid choice, my life dictated me changing SCHOOLS, and it was an emotionally draining experience anways!

I replied laughingly, masking my sadness, “No, you know what, I will tell you how that happens” , I gave her a brief review of the countries I lived in, and the real reason why my family changed places a lot.

We bonded, she was a nice lady, but she did think I was a bit misinformed about the tomatoes being vegetables. :D

Regrets

2006-08-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

A lonely autumn leave,
Falls,
It does not kiss the pavement,
Winds blow,
Leave dances,
Freely,
Falls,
Free fall,
And does not hug the grasses.
Winds whistle,
Leave flies; flies higher,
It does not reach the skies,
Leave falls.
Stepping,
they step over it,
With dirt, it ferments.
Leave dies,
but not the lost hugs,
or the kisses,
the memory flashes.

hope you guys like it, well, i hope it makes sense for you peeps.

good nite :)

Of everything random, my biases and poetry.

2006-08-12T21:23:00.000-07:00

Lately, especially after me regaining my freedom, I have been going to the underground poetry readings that I used to go, these poetry readings used to be good, they used to thriving with talent, one of the regular readers was an English professor at my university, he actually used to read some of his erotic poetry, and the audience were either his own students or other students whom he will eventually dash into one way or another at our uni’s campus, and I was one of them. He has no shame, and I like that, well, he served his role as an Art’s guru that of free expression.
But now, oh wow, the recurrent use of the “F” word and other vulgarity, makes me doubt this cult’s ability in articulating their feelings in more refined stanzas and creatively, I am not against the “F” word per se, it is just too much use of the word, hinders one’s ability that of limited usage of words, or imaginative metaphors, a poet can use, instead of the “F+ing”.
Now, there are no English profs, much less number of people, few talented people, many people have left, and the poetry standard has gone really bad, the other day, only three people read their poems, and it is just so full of “Fs”
Probably my freedom ticked in the wrong direction, and I opened the wrong door, and entered in the wrong time, I want to live the memories, when I had to go back home before twelve, I used to sweat, even though it was icy cold in midst of the Canadian winter, my dad used to give me, one hell of a time, scaling me and calling me a “bitch”, even though I was pure and never thought of anything else, other than caring about my feelings, I wanted people to know the feelings in my poetry that I read for them, I wanted to be in touch with every human soul, not in my cage, isolated between four walls. I remember, during one poetry reading of mine, it was starting at eleven thirty, and I really, really wanted to read one poem of mine, but time was not generous, I told the girl in charge of who is after who, I told her, I need to go first or second, I don’t have time, I read it, and I went back home.

Sad life, my life was. Everything was a struggle. I had to earn my time and my freedom.

Me friends with my dad is something I have to be given as a credit to, being the person I am, was and still a struggle of my own.

Getting in touch with what makes me, took another round in poetry, I remember having my walk with my sister and one of my sister’s good friends, a guy from Algeria, he told me once, that in no way English poetry can be measured with Arabic poetry, he told me that Arabic poetry has way more depth into it. At first time, I did not quite believe him, but somehow, longing for my roots, made me flip pages, and pages of Arabic poetry, with all the protest, politically-edged, non-conformists, slam poetries, and Shakespeare I have read, or heard, nothing, nothing can come to this:

أحمد شوقي

وطني لو شغلت بالخلد عنه

نازعتني إليه في الخلد نفسي!

أبي القاسم الشابي:

إذا الشعب يوما إراد الحياه فلا بد أن يستجيب القدر

و لا بد لليل أن ينجلي ولا بد للقيد أن ينكسر

I feel the depth, and it is giving me goose bumps. Or probably, I should read more English poetry. I dunno. I just dunno.

Arabic love

2006-08-07T22:21:00.000-07:00

I went to a Shaworma joint today, I asked politely in Arabic “mumkin Shaworma la7am?” he exclaims “kil ishi?”, I replyed “yeah”, everything is pretty normal, but then oh my god, he put so much meat, yes I understand that I am Arabic as he is too, but not that much meat ya 3amu! But then I cared less, I was hungry, really hungry, I ate and ate, but then I could not finish the sandwich, I somehow felt sick to my stomach, and on the way back home, my stomach was juggling, I think I could not take the “fat” that much, what can I say, thank you 3amu for you are care!
Bas khosh admi wala :D

I read soorat il ba8ara.

2006-08-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, and I am planning to read all of the Quran, sounds like a good aya, i somehow felt estranged from the Muslim reality, quite contrary to what it says in the Quran.

I have realized something, that the point of having religious texts are not at least to me, to
control the masses but religions for me, are like intermittent historical eras of spiritual achievements on a bigger level, giving in mind we never heaard about those tiny individuals who made something, but they are just hidden from history because of the power struggle, one must look at organized religion in a political perspective to understand some, and religions do not reflect what is there, but they are spiritual breakthroughs at different levels.
I think, if we stick to what a religion holds true, and follow it without question, tyranny it would produce, I think finding spiritual guideness on an individualistic level is the way to go.But I am keeping an open mind, I will be reading the Quran and see what I can make off it, I just feel that I have a big appetite to learn more about not just Islam but all religions in general. But i know fore sure, the goodness we seek to learn from, is that god that we want to adhere to.

salam

On sexual blackmail, or not?

2006-08-05T18:52:00.000-07:00

When I was 22, I really wanted to be in a meaningful relationship, and when I reached 23 I really felt that I wanted to get married, but none of that happened. I was the champion of chastity until marriage, although I was living in fire due to sexual frustration, which at many times interrupted my studies, although I am quite proud of my B average, and yes, I would find it hard to squeeze if I want to do masters.
Although, I made a promise to myself that if I reach 23 and still did not find anyone, then I might as well, lose my virginity. But a month from now, I will be turning 24, and I did not subdue to my word.

But during that last year, a lot of new feelings have changed inside me, yes I am still the sensitive, virgin I am, I do my calculations in brain rather than emotions and frustrations taking the lead. I am at the moment, a person who despises her virginity. I no longer need it. Enough is enough, I need a clearer mind, especially I want to have a career. I do not want to be occupied about sex and other related issues of me being sad at my withering, and quite emotionally empty youth. I always felt that all those virgin, sensitive, emotional, fiery and about everything of those feelings that I want to carry to that one, my friend, lover, partner and husband. I thought that traveling and leaving many places made me so careless of my sense of belonging, so I wanted that person to be my stable home, I wanted my holidays to be the sunset in his eyes, my fountain to be his lips, and my wild jungle is the hair of his manly chest..
Now, I realized that I do not want to be married, in the matter of fact, I feel that I want to delve through my sexuality, I want to discover my sexual side, and it is crazy that I have realized so many things about myself, one thing I realized, yes I did need emotional tie to that person to actually kiss him, but I was never that much of a monogamous person, I am not leading the argument that I should be promiscuous or anything, but the very feeling of me wanting to be free in discovering my feelings with that person, stopped me and made me feel rather ethical in my orientation, I dismissed guys just because I did not see myself with them in a long-term relationship. I did not want that, I just did not, but I wanted sex, and I thought that I was such an exploitative slut, but now, I am at the point of oking it. So what, I want sex then be it. Damn it, its just sex, and no, I do not believe in the myth of emotional attachment that some people pertain to convince females of, but I think that everyone is different, and everyone has different needs, and any culture, whether western or eastern, tries to subdue such feelings, and desires to line them as if they are a straight line, conforming to the status quo of such cultures.

If I ever think of marriage is because of sexual blackmail, I want it easy with no complications, but the idea of marriage right now, suffocates me, one thing I discovered through some very short-term dating experience is that I like my place, and my private world, I hate the phone ringing, they only that makes me tolerate all that is just pure love and longing for that one. But there is no such one.

My mom’s friend has introduced me to her nephew and he lives all the way in the Middle East, and we’ve talked online, sent pictures, he is nice and a good looking one, but I feel it is such a homework to go and talk to him, he types slowly, he does not know much English, but he is a smart, hardworking person, and mom have always lectured me that we should believe in one’s potential, ya3ni il ingleezi mu fad namooneh! But the thing is, I have chatted with people online whether male or female and I’ve learned who I liked and who I did not like to chat with, and this guy, even though nice, and has some 3amayil, is just I do not feel that Connected to. Not much of connection, not much of a conversation that is like a hot soup. No!
I have also, got introduced to another guy, although this one I met, he is nice, very horney and polite, and that is cool, the thing is, he has really bad teeth and a big mouth, and I am not exactly a superficial person, he just needs to clean his teeth. And personality wise, he thinks I philosophize a lot, which I don’t, and I do not consider myself that much of an intellectual, I am analytical yes, but I don’t want to praise myself, because I have not reached to where I want to reach. And even if I do philosophize, he just chuckles and says something else, I want something from a guy, I want to learn from a guy, I want something social sciency in the mix.
Now, my cousin upon the virtue of my dad’s help, have sent me an email, he wants me, wants to be engaged to me. He had asked me this a year ago; I mean how can he say that he loves me, if he never met me. Weird. I told him about my agnosticism at that time and he freaked out, but he thought of returning to the right path of Islam and bla bla bla. But I did not want to be with him, because I sense that there is a passport interest, even though I know he is a good person, I just do not want to be means to something. Apparetnly, this year he got engaged to an Iraqi girl, and she has a Dutch passport, the engagement did not work, dad was celebrating the opportunity, without telling me, he sent an email to my cousin telling him to email me and propose again. What the hell!!! I did not reply back and I will keep it as such. My dad thinks that I should think of my cousin, as he is a lug6a 3arees, and dad thinks that he should re-order my life, and that I should enjoy my life.

Now, apart from my world of tradition as a good Arabic girl , my Canadian side is growing and encroaching my senses. I went out with my friends yesterday and yes B, he made it quite obvious that he wants some sex, unattached, and that is something I want to do as well, he is good looking and very desirably kissable, he is what I want through my FREE conscious, he actually asked me to come with him home, I declined, I did not feel like it, and I need time, I think I will explain to him that I probably want him to be my sex guru, and oral sex might be just fine with me, I have not trespassed my fears of losing my virginity yet, very irrational and weak of me, but what can I say, I was brought up that way, even though in the inside I don’t believing in it, and even though I want an open minded guy and I would definitely decline a narrow minded one.
But during that night, I met a guy, and there was a connection, an immigrant just like, he came to Canada when he was three from Poland, he is so sensitive, sweet, and such an idealist soul just like me, someone I can easily slip and fall in love with compared to B, B is a free soul, he does not have that much extreme goodness as that guy did, and I loved, how M (I will call him M for now) approached me, how he held my hand, as if he is greeting some hhmm I don’t like praising myself, a queen or something. I liked that, B does not have such thing, B is basically good for unattached, unemotional, physical sex only, he can teach me a lot.
What I loved though, is that when we were all sitting, M and me, we were indulging, very excitingly in our own conversation, and when I was more passionate about it, all what I find is, B giving me a back message, even though I must admit, the message that he gave me back in the library was better, I guess the booze got him. But it was such a crazy feelings, I felt that I was back in the jungle, M was the competitor for B, B was giving me some “love” so I can give him attention and not the other guy, and he did something naughty, while he was messaging, he slipped his hand little bit underneath my jeans, I jerked off, and looked at him, he stopped, B wants sex and me wants sex. Cool stuff. But I declined.
What is even more interesting, M is as virgin as I am, and we talked about family values, and how our families differ, we talked about the inability of us to lose our virginity just like that, because somehow we need emotional attachment, but we both agreed there is nothing wrong if both parties want sex, we would like to keep an open mind. He also, hangs a world map on his room’s wall, pretty much an international guy, and I share such perspective, but what is sad, very very sad, M is younger than me by three years, and I hate that, well he mistaken me for 21 yrs old, and I mistaken him for 24, he is quite matured and looking for something meaningful like I do. Meeting him and with some virgin people I’ve known, I believe there should be a t.v. series about “virgin in the city”, well, I still want to write my play about virginity, and what is so interesting, one of M’s ambitions is to write a novel.
M is by far is something, but I do not know him yet, and I do not know what will happen with me and B, are we going to stay as just friends, or I will tell him of what I exactly want, and my dirty mind is getting dirtier. Not only dirtier, but there also, another guy for me, I met in the gym, an African guy from Spain, originally Nigerian, his line was “do I know you, I think I recognize you from somewhere, did you go to that class?”, obviously making stuff, but we ended up talking, that is something about all African guys, they are so confident in approaching girls, we exchanged numbers, and we going to go to the gym tomorrow, yes, another target, but I do not know, gym buddies, as it is.

I am getting to exposed to many guys at the moment, one major improvement is gaining my freedom, I wonder, why did the hell I gain it now, after I graduate, somehow I regret if I did not have such complete freedom, I did frequent to parties from time to time, but not as much as exposed, feeling free is awesome, but the interesting thing is, I might not have utilized such freedom if I was that free, I believed in chastity, now my options are open!
Even if I regained my personality, away from tradition and what not, what if I cancel my two worlds, and be myself, would I ever be able to confront my parents, they want a Muslim dude, or am I able to make a guy convert for me just for a façade in front of my parents.
I am torn. Torn between traditions and between what makes me.
But I know for sure, that I will be having fun, well I hope.

لماذا؟

2006-08-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

الهام....فكرة....شعور....لا مفر من هذا الاهام الصادق ، أو هذه الفكرة المعبرة من خيره، أو الشعور بإنسانيتي و إنسانية غيري. . لماذا أفكر، أشعر، و ألهم.
و لماذا بكيت بعدها على وسادتي، و في وقت أريد الخلود فيه، لإنام و أرتاح و أنسي جروح دنيايه ؟
لم أشأ أن أرى هذا النور ، و لم أشأ أن يكون لدي إحساس أو أي فكرة بما أشعر، أردت أن أكون هامشيه، بسيطة، لعبة، و سهلة في أن تغريني الحياة، لأكون صادقة، الحياه غرتني، و شعوري فاض، فاص في مسائل أخرى ...و هي أساسها في أن أفكر في إحساس سليم.......لماذا يخنقني غرور الناس و عزوتهم الكاذبة الا خير فيها، لما تبكيني، هل أدركت حقيقتا بأن الغرور في الحياة يصنع الأنانية و العلو الغير صادق في إحساسنا في الخير، نعم الخير..........لندرة من الناس، يصنفون كبارهم بالخير، أين الخير، لا يوجد، فقط مراكز، مظاهر، و كل شئ مصطنع.

أريد أن أشتم الخير، أحس بالخير، أريد مصداقية الناس في عطفهم على الغير.....

لكن لماذا ألمني شعوري، إذ الحياة أغرتني، لمن أنا راجعة، لأي رحمة إلاهية غير مفسرة؟

و إذا ها قد جائني الإلهام الا شعوري، الغير مفسر.........أسأل لماذا أنا...........لما الهداية إذا تأتي مدبرة، و معنية مقصد، لما غيري، لما لا بوش أو هتلر، أو بلير،

لماذا هبة الله هكذا.........و أسأل....مع تفكيري، هل إنعكس تفكيري في الا هداية؟

لماذا أنا هنا، و لما أنا أكتب ما أكتب.......و أشعر ما أشعر، ............لماذا...........الهداية و لا هداية؟

Hot dog says bye.

2006-08-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

My cousin who just recently came from UAE went swimming yesterday, and he returned home a bit wired, and in a crazy, sarcastic mood. It seems the only naked male body he has seen is probably his, he was totally shocked that the men’s locker room was full of naked male bodies, he was overwhelmingly disgusted, and intrigued. I told him that he would make a very picky woman, but he continued that he will not eat sausages for some, good , looong time….!!

But hotdogs are good, too bad I decided to make timen bagila today, or else I would have made some good, yummy hotdogs just for a laugh, I should buy one of those long, big, bulky ones, once cooked, they would hang, and so all I have to do is to hold it from one point and let the rest of flab hang, and offer it to my dear cousin. I sound like a bad cousin, but it will be an interesting reaction. But no, I am gona be a good cousin, and I will wait for his trauma to end, but he would seriously make a very bad, picky woman, but doesn’t he have one like that too?!

Death is a natural thang?!

2006-08-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

Another explanation legitimizing bombing, the new war technique that is blind to recognize civilians. What? Did military strategist lose their genius, if there was any?

The shelter that was bombed in Lebanon, 57 civilian have lost their lives, 37 of them were children!

The Israel defence is that the “terrorists” have used civilians as a barricade to shoot from!

So, is the new war technique pertain in legitimizing the bombing/shooting of civilians? That reminds me of an argument I had long time ago of Iraqi civilian massacres especially that of western Iraq, the argument in defence of such American atrocities was that of the same nature of Israeli’s argument about defence, and how the terrorists were infiltrating or helped by through civilian homes, therefore, they are collaborates and basically and quite tragically, human barricades!

Is that really war on terror, or is the violence being too vicious, and in a constant cycle of creating more terror – avenging for the lost lives of friends, family, husband, uncle, and neighbours. There are parts of human nature that is not forgiving, classical example, American soldiers avenging for their mates killing against Haditha civilians, so no one exempt, no matter of how highly we think of “them” or how lowly we think of “them”. Such war strategy technique will only create more hatred, and peace will be far fetched.

There should be some progress in drifting laws when it comes to war, it is time for Geneva Convention of war crimes to include (both) parties, something should be done in the name of the civilians, in Lebanon’s case, Hizbolah and Israel should both be accountable! Both are not really nice and scary!

It is just the pain.

2006-08-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

My “friend”

She is tall, witty, sassy, manipulative, free-spirited, smart, blue-eyed pretty gal , and with more double standards when it comes to female rights and duties, she despises house wife work, and believes in working, and hates laziness, yet she demands men to be rich enough to spend on her, she also, have boy toys from time to time, she offers sex and they, or hes buy her and to her other friends – at times drinks, it was totally helpful when her boy toy paid for all of our drinks, that was totally relieving for such poor person I am.

Having said that, I love her, and she is my friend, she is raised from a totally different culture than I am, she has imperfections, yet there is something that draws me to her, I mean, she herself said, that she is no good with men, but good with friends.

I remember the other time when we went out, B was the first person to show up, and then she came late, she had a sudden funeral to attend, anyways, she brought with her a philosopher professor at our university, like any philosopher student, graduate, or professor, he looked like a beggar from the street, it is not something to be ashamed from, but that is the way it is with philosophy people, they hardly dress nice. He was a nice guy, but no, he was not her boy toy, he is a philosophy prof so he gota be smarter from some woman’s intentions, and it was totally unexpected, I just don’t like it when people bring along people I do not know, especially if they are gray and old, I would not mind hot guy, I sound horrible, but yeah I wana live my age, but he is nice nevertheless, and a nice person to have a conversation with, but since she could not suck money from, she called the boy toy, a totally easy prey, he was a divorcee wanting some
Companionship, he looked vulnerable, because he looked like that he wanted her badly, even though at times she belittled him, he took everything in, he wanted sex, it was apparent, and she wanted money, and yes, he paid everything – for all our drinks, and yes friends with boy toys are good, and I lost my conscious at that moment, I need some spiritual guideness I suppose.
But then again, here comes Dad, and yes I mean it, her dad comes in the bar to join us, and inside me I was shocked, and I did not want any old grandpas around, I understand that my friend is her in early thirties, but common, I thought I would be with people I know and from my generation, but that is just beside the moment. She flirted with her boy toy in front of her dad’s eyes, he was fine with that, I mean he impregnated many women and left my friend when she was just a baby, just recently they are together, but when I looked at him, I could see from where my friend gets some of her quirks, especially, the inability to settle down and commitment.
So she was flirting with that boy toy, she was sitting on one of those bar’s stool, and he was sitting on an adjacent, nearby table and she was doing some stuff with her leg, and he started touching the legs, holding her thighs, and then some mild kissing followed, all in front of the daddy ------ it was a cultural shock for me, after six years in Canada I thought no more shocks or surprised will be in my way, but this was.
But I did not care, honesty between daughter and father is better than anything else, so it was me, B, the philosopher guru, and the daddy talking, somehow we started talking about religions, and B suggested that all religions have some kind of higher diety that go for, and it has many names, but it is all the same, and then the conversation carried on about the prophets, and then about prophet Mouhamed, and then about angels, her dad was telling us the prophet’s Mouhamed life story and how the prophet tried to commit suicide, and I was lost for words, I just wondered from where did he get this info from, weird, weird , STRANGE, so I told him what I know, but he kept on talking, you know an old man! And then the conversation carried on a different route, and about family, and how family is important, even though B shrugged off, it seems that my friend’s dad regretted of what have he done, leaving daughters and daughter behind, it seems that it is his repenting time, yeah no suicide and such, and he looked good for a person who is recovering from alcoholism!
But then it was time to go, the bar was closing, the boy toy wanted the daughter to stay with him, and SURPRISINGLY the dad objected, in my mind I was thinking, why the hell he wants to object now, it seems that all men have this thing, or all daddies have this thing, but in their case, such objection is way more mild than others, but she ended up going with the boy toy.
Before the daddy was leaving, I was not concentrating, but I cached him saying to us and was referring to me, that he has “ a real rush on Islam”, my friend laughed in a very embarrassed way, he exited the bar, and then he comes back, saying I think as far I remember, that he forgot to say good bye, and so he was saying bye to everyone, and then my turn was a kiss on my cheek, I did not utter any word, he is an old man anyways, but a horny old man, and B cried saying “here you go sister, it was for the kiss”, I ignored, acted as if nothing has happened, but what the hell!!!!!

So I did not think about anything, and life moves on. About more than a week ago, I left a voice msg to my friend to touch bases with her, she usually calls after, but then, she did not. I thought she might be busy and that she was not embarrassed about her dad behavior, but then I called B today, and apparently he talked with my friend a couple of days ago, weird that she did not reply my msg, can she face me! She always have been image conscious, in one of her drunken state, when we were together in the Irish pub, she told me that she was glad she came from an upper, high class Irish clan, she added, that is one of the good things that her dad gave her.
There was also, at one point in our relationship where our cultural background made us misunderstand each other, she thought that I made a high-esteem of my culture and she did look envious when my dad paid one of my semesters, and I also, accused her that she can’t impose western explanations on Middle Easter culture, but we worked our misunderstanding, and we thought of writing papers of how our cultures interact with each others and how we are the same. But she still, does not like people to doubt any ability or status of hers, in the matter of fact, she stopped attending one class of ours, just because the prof asked her a question that she did not know.

Is she going to be the same warm person to me, why is she not calling me back, but her dad had always poured more physiological issues on her, in the matter of fact, I think she not wanting to be married is that she can’t trust men, and that because of her dad!

And I just think, people should not cloth their cultures with their pains, their pains is individualistic and not an absolute reflection of how refined their culture is, she knew well, how my parents were strict with me, I was not ashamed of telling her about my restriction and se should not be with her issues.

But isn’t that all contemplations, I hope so, and I hope I will hear from her soon.

Fashion, all the same.

2006-07-29T17:25:00.000-07:00

Just came back from the mall today returning an item, a casual top with gray/white stripes with a hood, this never happens to me, I know what I want and my eyes work like a laser spotting the things I like.
I do not know, this summer fashion of this year is just boring, boring in the sense that it is impossible to buy something that looks different from the mainstream, everything is the same, all the moderately priced brands have items that look the same, either all dotted or stripes, and if I spot something that I like or has some twist to it, it would be pricey, and I am currently poor, even though mom send us some money, I just do not have the guts to spend on whatever I want, in the matter of fact, shopping was so boring, nothing interesting, and somehow, it is increasingly becoming like a task of hunting something unique, elegant and different…probably I will shop if I go to Detroit or Toronto, they have a lot more varieties.
But the awesome news is that I have two job interviews for two sales jobs in the mall, it is of course not my ambition, but it is great for my pockets and it will give me more freedom on where to go and what to do.
I hope to get either of the jobs, I was totally embarrassed when I asked mom for money, especially that both mom and dad have sent a good portion of their salaries to my uncle (i did not know about that only two days ago).

Oh well….financial independence is my dream, and hopefully one day I will attain it. :)

Of Chaos.

2006-07-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

Yet, another explosive bomb in the inflammatory Middle East, destination, Lebanon. To be honest, I do not know much about Lebanese politics, all I know is that Hizbalah opened a new chaotic frontier, and for whom, for the Israelis! It feels to me that the Israelis are quite hungry to use 6akh 6eekh - their military power, to prove their existence in the region, but what was Hizabalah thinking? Didn’t they know that Israel got really mad over Hamas kidnapping couple of Isreali soldiers, but honestly what is the big deal over soldiers, aren’t they in contention? Aren’t the soldiers non-combatant targets, so it is pretty legitimate to do harm against other soldiers and - yes I am saying it quite explicitly-, it is the nature of war after all.
But in the same time, I fear any Iranian ties over what is happening in Lebanon, there are no such words as “nuclear” and “Iran” in the news. I wonder if Iran is using its regional power to challenge US and Israelis powers, to probably work as a shield to not reach or touch Iran. Iran is a big challenger for those foreign powers who seek further control and penetration in the region. Iran is basically using its cards, well, it is already using it in Iraq, however, the Iranian taking a lead of the latest development in Lebanon is still unproven. And Iran seems that is becoming more of the champion that other Arab citizens are seeking, especially with the use of unethical, amoral, pre-emptive strikes under the guise of being on the defensive mode, is rather defamatory to Israel’s reputation especially on the international level.

But why all the sudden Lebanon, why all the sudden a faction who just recently became part of the Lebanese parliament dictate what Lebanon should go through? Lebanon was growing; it was THE destination to go for tourism in that region, it was a democracy in the making.
My experience of warmongers is not pretty, Saddam has tortured Iraq through many wars, and Iraq became like a bone structure of a dying old man, and that is what’ve we got! Is each Middle Eastern country capable of acting in solidarity of other countries in the region, did Hizbalah thought of his actions as in solidarity with that of the Palestinians, even though that South Lebanon and Lebanon as a whole was liberated from Israel, why experience the same nightmare again!

If any country to act in such solidarity, then one country should not be the place of the dirty laundry, solidarity is whole and not one, but do the Arabic countries want more wars, do they want to lose more of their interests, when and how they will deal with Israel and reach a conclusion, is it through mouse and cat games, through wishful thinking that there is actually a resistance.

It seems the only solidarity that is happening is thorough fundraising channels to the Lebanese victims, coming from various Arabic countries, so far they have donated 150 millions dollars, also, UAE visas are being given to the Lebanese people.
Yes that is good solidarity, but how come such effort has not been channeled to Iraqis, my uncle that has just left Basra, is having one hell of trouble to relocate from UAE to some other country, since his UAE visa is finishing, he does not know where to go. I do not want to sound jealous, but Iraqis also, need help. But above all, I wish if I can offer any help to my Lebanese sisters and brothers, and hope they will recover soon, and Lebanon to stand on its feet again strong and proud.

Nasir Shameh

2006-07-26T14:24:00.000-07:00

So far I have seen two interviews of Nasir Shameh, one in “Kalam Nawa3im” and the other today in “Nashwa” t.v. programs.
Not only he is a talented musician, with accredited, well-deserved fame, both in the Arabic and the western world, but what I found out, he is also, a sensitive, good Iraqi/human soul.
He is actually doing something for his people, he is currently organizing a campaign, working from his focal point Egypt against the aggravating, and the increasingly widespread rate of cancer in Iraq, and he so fearlessly pointed out the cause of such scourge, and that is quite simply, the depleted uranium bombs that the US has continuously shelled Iraq with ever since 1991. And he also, jeered at the US attempt of bringing liberation, democracy and freedom to Iraq, pointing not only at the intricate complexities of the quagmire that the US has put itself in, but also, the not so “democratic” practices, infamously Abu Ghraib’s scandal, which I believe that the torture was part of the legal procedure of interrogation, only that the big heads, deny and enjoy their living, while the small dogs are the ones like walking ads, constantly showed in t.v.

Nasr Shameh is quite liberal and freedom loving person ,and his campaign is also, to bring along a cultural and rather educational experience for those kids with Cancer, he seems to be wanting to tone down the extremism that is somehow on the increase, through music, and cultured refined taste. But what surprised me, is his honest opinion, without caring if he is to be judged or not, he said, that the operations that are being done against the Americans, are not only done by Saddam loyalists and other ex-Ba’thi members lamenting and grudging for their lost powers, or Jihadists wanting to implement their power , but also, ordinary Iraqis who have lost their loved ones through the process of their country’s destruction, such opinion is rarely held by most of the Iraqis I have known through my online experience, and most of them and I am quite sure, will label such man as a Ba’thie sympathizer, or a suck-up, holding majority opinion to promote his fame more and more but, I think Shameh knew that quite well, since he added that, he is not with the Two Bushies, or with Saddam, to curb any labeling as a Ba’thie sympathizer, because it seemed rather a culture if a person to hold such view, then he is naturally on the other camp.

He says what he feels, he says what he wants, and to be honest, once I heard his opinion, I somehow realized, that if all the Iraqi people thought of their Iraqiness first and foremost, and if their interests were all for the sole purpose of Iraq’s well-being, we would have been a lot better country, no Saddam, no Bush can divide us, but the problem, is that the ruling bunch always put their stupid, most imagined interests first, this stupid, and most imagined interested are always made from components of religious perversion and extremist to one’s group, and ideological fascism for money, control, and just the plain zest for gaining more power.

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His official website is http://www.naseershamma.com if you wana listen to his oud :)

i7sas -- Feelings

2006-07-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

Getting back to what makes me…..

Yes, I will get back to what makes me, I will start drawing again, and I will come back jotting my feelings to make a poem and read it to my “juice poetry” hang out.
I always thought of people who have artistic talents and then leave it all behind; behind the office doors, hide it underneath their fast-past life, below the sound waves of the car beeps, alarm clock sounds, and the traffic jam, to bottom it down to eclipse their fears, insecurities, sadness and any tranquil, mushy feelings to create the façade, of a fixed, motionless, emotionless stern face, confident on the outside, to convince the inside, that they are tough enough to go on with life, and to be further convinced of the routine that life at many points stipulates.

Why abandon art, especially if that person is already an artist in the inside, does life put us in a cycle to makes us more insensitive; insensitive in here, I mean, insensitive to the feelings that we think may make us week and not strong, like the urge to cry over someone’s else shoulder, I do not think a CEO would do such thing at least potentially, given his status, because he is responsible, people are leaning over him, then, why responsibility needs toughness… why the world can not go into a crying session to express our sorrow, sadness, or why can’t the whole world contemplate on what makes us as a whole human race happy, why do people push these feelings aside, is it because they may might not make us tough, we all dream of the far away island paradise, all if not most us are bunch of hippies at the inside, why go on with more pragmatism and forget, the lush scent of roses, why judge dreamers of naivety, why respect concrete, cement, cleaning detergents, car engines, interviews, grass mowers, resumes, and all the bla stuff, and forget that we can sleep on the spongy clouds, swim in a sea of chocolate, and be musical rhythms, flying up and high reaching any melody we want to be, from Beethoven to my own musical beets when I am in love.

If we dare to dream, if we dared to touch the nerve to feel the feelings that have just passed on to our brain, we would be brave, we would know what we shall be able to do, the heart will know, no matter how much we are weak to succumb to “realism” thinking that holding one concrete brick over one fraction of felt hope, is nothing, and nothing but weakness and fear from doing what we ought to be, may romance be our virtue.

This is all pondering; I will get back resuming my endless job of finding a job.

But yeah, I would like to sleep on clouds, are they hhmmm made of cotton or something?

I am only not virgin in this one.

2006-07-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

The feelings of beinge attached to a country has always being evolving to me but it reached to a love/hate relationship level of an ever so, emotional instability!
I love my country (Iraq) and I hate my country(Iraq), but what I gained of being loose, and my passport was so cheap, is that I became adaptable accepting many entries, giving heads, heads of intellectual drainage, I feel like a hoocker, I can sleep with so many countries as long as they pay good, fondle good!
I am a hoocker, that is why, a person with no country has no dignity and no honour, If I want to get my honour, I shall get back my country, and be tight and not so loose and take any dirty money inside ma...pockets!
Honour shall be Iraq, and whoever rapes her must pay not money but the love and the self-respect she lost inside her heart and soul, and once she restores the love and respect, no more factions fightng but only love is to be flourished!

Virginity

2006-07-23T00:10:00.000-07:00

Seconds, minutes, hours, another year is taking my life into another round of emotional emptiness, another day of failed unintentional expectations, my feelings are the ones longing to expect of being colliding with another breath, yet another silence… in the wake of my volcanic anger eruption.
Ever since I started puberty, my first thought that I will never do the act, only with someone I cherish and love, I have always been the idealist, romantic soul with a good cause of meeting that person, however, I did have my first kiss when I was almost seventeen, it was a horrible, unaccepted, unexpected kiss from an Arab guy who thought I was over nineteen, he did not believe that in his hands, he was holding an Arab girl to be his girlfriend, but his kiss was totally unexpected, and I did not want it since I made my vows, but I felt at that moment to experiment, somehow got seduced in doing so. But, unfortunately, he was a bad kisser, and I went back home spitting, tearing the promise that I will be his girlfriend, but he was one of my many chances to be experienced and learned about sexual life.
But then again, I lived my life waiting for that person, at my first two years in university, my high expectations which was at least plausible since most of the guys I met did not want to commit, was acceptable, but then when my sexual frustrations took on and combined with so many problems I was experiencing, I had trouble concentrating on my studies and could not reach my potentials but luckily I was a fighter and got over it. But through my sexual frustrations attacks I remember looking around me, I did not see anybody that I can fuck, communicate my feelings with reciprocal understanding or make love to, it was such a dry life, but I still pursued my ideals whom I believed in so strongly to hold my urges to spill it all over like a rushing waterfalls on the person who is meant to be my friend, husband and lover.
But then I reached a point where I questions my believes on holding my virginity, which was initially to keep this feelings to the right person, to feel the emotional stability that my ever so volatile life of moving from different places could not give me, only it gave me hurt and pain, so I could not imagine of hurting these precious feelings that I had. And I always felt that I would be betraying my parents and I would feel sorry for doing this kind of thing to them, and that feeling stems mainly from the culture I come from which most of the time suppresses sexual feelings and desires, it is only through marriage and nothing else.
The new stage was, if I reach the age of twenty three, then I must lose my virginity, since I felt that I was passing my life, killing my youth, and not living my age.
I reached twenty three, I looked around, I could not see a person that I can fuck, well, yes there was a person, named A, and I found him hot, hot, hot, and I did not feel that turned on or lets say I can be stimulated only and simply by sitting next to him, his height, his presence was so strongly manly.
He liked me, and I liked him, he saw things in me that other guys could not see in me, however, the sexual cultural repression and that was my feeling of being rejected in the future if me not being a non-virgin took over, also, I could not see any long term relationship with this guy, so I turned off the offer, even though I killed myself with it. At one my point in my life, he was my regret.
After a year, when I was twenty three, I realized that it does not matter if I was a virgin or a non-virgin, if that person to take me as his wife, he should then love me and love me, the way I am, being a non-virgin is totally irrelevant, this revelation of my own strength that I can face this cultural impediments of my own sexuality, was freeing and was an optimal point of reaching my inner strength.
Then I reached a point, of finding the person who I can lose my virginity with, I met a fellow atheist, close to my agnosticism, twenty-three just like me and virgin just like me, and he did not like to meet women off bars because he thought that was only bodily interaction and has nothing to do with inner-selfs, he was a philosophy major and I liked his blue eyes, and he liked me.
The thing is, I did not feel quite the same, yes I thought he was cute, but I thought he ate a lot, and not ambitious and hardworking enough, with a good amount of laziness, I did not quite like him because I judged him, I did not like him because I simply did not quite liked him.
Even though his sincerity was amazing. I knew I could not see myself with this man for a long term relationship, why hurt him, I also, had a homesickness attack and wanted a guy form my community, at least I would feel more funny, and tell lots of funny Iraqi jokes, I wanted a guy that can see my personality from every corner possible, and that would make an inbred of eat and west, with English and Arabic spoken.
So I declined this opportunity for ethical purposes.
So, time went fast, time of graduation, the feeling of regret that I lost A, made me sleepless, so I decided to call him all the way in some place, not where I live, and yes he still liked me, and yes I still remember his moist, pillow-like lips, but somehow I discovered that I changed, and even though, he suggested to try being together even though he was a not so serious relationship, I was happy, yet bit queer, because of his change and nothing else, so I did not call him ever since, nor he tried to response, my feelings of regrets vanished.
And at the lat thought of me trying to be with the virgin, atheist guy, and when I made my made, he got a job in another city!
My emotional instability and resolutions, made my decisions always late, my upbringing, my constant change of cultures, made me doubt stability and made me feel scared of changing feelings and moving from one relationship to another, not good, but that is how it happens but do not want it to happen for myself.
I took all my decisions with rationality, logic, as those two guys above are neither from Muslim backgrounds nor Arabic, and why do I have stipulate conversion, even though I am not a practicing Muslim, and even though it will be only a façade to my parents, but I could not do that, at least I felt that I should try with Arabic guys first.
Still a virgin, with horrible dates, and my date today, yes he is pushed to the friend category again!
Yes, I feel I need someone, and I can’t find him. Am I wrong, or all the guys I meet are wrong for me? I have no idea, but one thing for sure; I discovered I could never lose my virginity for one important reason, for love, for trust.
I could lose it with R, a good looking guy not interested in commitment, he is easy, quick, and no emotional attachments, but hanging out with him, I was resisting his seduction, his beautiful green eyes, brown-blondish curls, gorgeous lips, slender yet strong shoulders, yes I can resist him, because first of all, I am not a toy, and I have my dignity, and he does not deserve me, still a kid that needs night stands, I was told him, “R I can never imagine you with a girlfriend, you are such a free guy”, he replied saying “thank you”, I was puzzled, since I did not mean it, in any complimentary way at Alll!!
A pimp, well a good-looking pimp!

I am tired off writing, I have a lot more to say about virginity in a very different way, and I have decided to write a play about virginity and the different types of sexual life people lead and how our search will always be for love!
Now, I am ever more patient, and I hate dating, waste of time, Yack!

It is disturbing

2006-07-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

Mom is in North Carolina, dad is in Qatar, and I might as well shift somewhere in the universe If I have the golden chance of taking my first chance stepping into a real career.
Yes, the blue collar haven city I live in does not provide me with such opportunities, even the volunteering that I am doing, is not quite in my field, and I am just doing it to beautify my so ever so green resume to hard rocks and real measures, and I think I am too ambitious of what I have just claimed, I think that was my wishful thinking, a real volunteer that will boost my job prospects is somewhere in the big apple, NY and in the UN, get to know real shots, real characters that are responsible for making real cynical, realistic decisions that always go wrong!
But then again, back to capitalism, I have to be like a YoYo, a seesaw, a roller coaster, or the better description, a butter fly sucking my nectar from every opportunity that comes accross to me.
We have to leave the periphery, the unattractive sidelines of unprofessional capitalism, we should live the fast paste, the ever so innovative inventions of abandoning family, loved ones.
But what is so funny, I feel that I am blaming everything on modernity, I do not think so, I know for sure, this has been the case whenever there have been the big centres and the small places that are always on the verge of being empty for its obsecure opportunities, sometimes I dream of getting back to the basics, and have a good land and plant my cabbage, tomatos, and my land hhhhmmm should be along some beach to fish my exotic fishes and other sea foods, and my place, I want it to be a small hut.
I fish, eat, play, dance, have kids, go to traditional cerimonies, and small flowers as I walk collecting wood to lit my heart with passionate fire, and scream that I love life.

Hell, I always dream of stability, I love a certain routine that I enjoy, I love a certain type of familiarity, probably familiarity with my surounding, and the environment, hhhmm a belonging to a place, to a tradition and group of people I accept freely.

But nah, I changed four countries, changed my high school six times, and I am the modern human beings, the bedouins might have ridden camles in search for a better land to feed themselves and their cattle, but now, we ride airplanes in search for the place that has abundance of jobs and benifits.

I might not mind it for the short term, but if I get married, and have kids, I will kill myself rather than seeing my kids shifting through cycles of "oh, we need to move again".

Boom and bust are just curse of my bewitched reality.

But then again, I am it, I am reality, and I am hear to challenge, so yeah, I will apply for more jobs?!

?

2006-07-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

When do philosophers draw conclusions?

Random Things and Characters I hate with passion:

2006-07-19T09:13:00.001-07:00

1.Filling big, huge, long applications and all the paper work for that matter, I Kind of lose my sanity through the process.

2.Money is a bitch, for it tangles my initial freedom from birth to life imprisonment of having to get that dirt in my pockets.

3.The fire alarm. It is enough for me that I am wearing glasses, I do not think I have to lose my hearing for just making kebab/burgers, they should change this loud siren into more variety of alarm tones, how about hibhob beable….yeah I know it is hip hop :D

4.Rap. Enough said.

5.Flip flops, and most of the sandals, as they always give me bruises, I hate bruises, luckily I found one comfy one.

6.Tan lines, I do not like to pass as a Zebra. Nude beaches…hhhmmm never tried that one! (giggles)

7.Men making great symphonies while eating, men talking aloud while me watching t.v. observably, men making stupid, silly comments, thinking they are cool. Insensitive men as a whole.

8.Bombs, and the extremist bugs from all sides.

9.Moral supremacists people, unscrupulous people thinking bad is cool, or closed-minded people judging others of being the ones who are closed-minded, Oh I can not take those ones!

10.Writers using Big, flowery words to flaunt their inability to communicate with the readers. I must admit quite confidently, not all people have memorized all of the words in the dictionary !

11.Cigarettes, especially the smell….Yack!!!

12.Gender double standards, it is funny why is it downtown at night you see Arab guys hanging out with no Arabic female breath I feel in the crowd, what is it, the night life is only for them!!

13.Egoistic People that talk too much about themselves, keeping quiet will always label you as an unaccomplished loser. Humbleness is not their book, but when they keep quiet, that’s when their limit sets in.

14. Hardworking, workaholic people that forgot that life is not only a struggle but a
also, a big party booty shaking!

15. Writing this!

hot or cold?

2006-07-10T17:28:00.000-07:00

G: Ryan always asks me how I do it, I had no choice but to be self-efficient and strong....

(After a long pause)

Me: Sometimes it is better if you do not have a choice but to be strong, because if you do have the choice of either being weak or strong, you most likely will choose being weak, and be dependent on parents....

(G after his long journey of sufferings and misery, noddes his head with conviction and content esteemed happiness, that he is a self- accomplished young man).

The end of the world cup

2006-07-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday.

The world cup ended yesterday leaving my always-quiet city with its Italian population raving the atmosphere, honking and beeping and flaunting the Italian flag with pride following almost every passerby to whatever destination he/she going.

The game started at two o’clock yesterday, so sister, my friend and me booked prior a day seats in a café somewhere in the neatly assembled and elegantly decorated café strips of little Italy, because we knew everywhere would be full even if we had booked for our seats, we came earlier at twelve.
Our friend is an Iraqi guy, wore his original blue jersey, he is such a dedicated fan of Italy as if Italy was his home country or something. It was packed to the fullest, in the café where we sat, we did not end up sitting in the patio or the main seating area indoors but we sat in a rather small room area whom the café owners would not usually use for their own customers, its just they had to open more space to accommodate seats for people who already booked seats in their place, but they ended up opening the back door for us, and that is when I suffered, since this spot of the café neighbored residential area, more pollens irritated my good self, I started itching my no time.

I sat with a group of people all wearing the Italian jerseys, well my t-shit was white, so I did not exactly stick like a sore thumb, I was not really a fan of Italy nor France, but I was more leaning to Italy, what can I say, they’ve got some pretty boys there, the most good looking team in the world cup. My sister was actually with France, she did not come to the café early, but only with the start time of the game, our friend and me struggled to keep her seat.

The most thing that intrigued me was the reaction of the crowd I sat with, especially the guys, they actually defied gravity by the way they jumped, their loud voices was above of what was considered loud, and they broke any sense of public etiquette by the way they cussed and swore, and it is so amazing that all those guys were strangers, but on the Italian goal was scored, all you see is hugging, and congratulatory greetings, I do not know why girls did not hug and did all the stuff, I mean I am not Italian and I do not feel all the passion for Italy to win, but if it was Iraq, I think I would be above the clouds.
But there were the quiet-natured people including some couple of guys, whom I exchanged looks in a very happy and amused way with, when people did the sudden jumping when something important happened, one girl looked kind of nervous in a very joyous way, honestly it was a crazy scene, the attachment those people felt towards the team, and longing and the wanting for their team to win.
When the game first started, those people actually stood up in respect for the Italian national anthem, I did not do that, I was not Italian really, but my Iraqi friend did.

The first part of the game every spectator would say that Italy would win but then France made a come back, it is funny how much I heard phrases like “fuck you French” or “fuck France”, it was fine by me though, I understood that as frustration even though a bit rude bit mildly rude so far, but then when Zidane did what he did, which was a disgrace to the sport, even though if the other guy said things he was not supposed to say (which I am sure he said), he should at least Controlled his temper, after all , he does not want to conceal his career with a kala or the bullet like a thor (bull) raging technique he showed up. That was when the crowd I sat with was raging to the maximum, I heard “fuck you French”, “you disgrace to the game” , but the killer one was “fuck you fucking Arab”, I felt I was misplaced, estranged and I felt like leaving , but I did not do any scene, but I gave a dirty look at the person who said such an ugly thing, though I am not sure if it was him, the voice came from the back, but at least I did something, or at least I think I did, but my sister, made the excuse that she has to throw the pizza carton package outside, yeah she took her bag and did not come back, I think she was insulted, but I did not want to make a scene, but our friend, he just dismissed such incidence as ignorance and he kept cheering for his team, in the matter of fact, after the game finished, he went parading with his newly purchased big Italian flag, whom he wore like a cloak around himself, it was a big flag, and teasing him while I was walking behind him, I carried the two ends of the flag s and sung “itmakh6ari ya 7ilwa ya zeena”, it is a wedding Egyptian song :D
After the game, little Italy was rampaged with people from all over, even though they were mainly Italians, but you would see Arabic girls with scarves having their faces painted with the Italian flag, Indians, Latinos, and Anglo Saxons, one Anglo Saxon looking dude, was talking over the cell phone, he was “fuck Italy”, but he was nice enough to me, when he offered a hand, when I wanted to climb over a higher place to have a bigger picture. I think people when people say that “fuck…..(fill in the dash for whoever” is nothing serious, but it can tell you about certain feelings and enmity, most of the Serbians I met were with France, and to my surprise alot of people liked what Zidane did, and some had even wierd explanations, the Shaworma place that I sometimes go there, explained it that Zidane was paid to do that, but I dismissed such effort of explaining such incident as a typical arab mentality of conspiracy theory.
Back to the scene,there were splashing alcohol bottles, I got some on my hair and clothes, and everyone was reckless about their drinks, I got some bear more on clothes. There were a live band, and all that I did not know what I was doing, at least my friend was lost celebrating with other fans, I was not in all that mood, but it was a nice atmosphere, so I decided to go after taking mental pictures of what is happening, my friend walked me to the downtown and then he went back, and there were more people, you would see Somali girls in a car beeping for Italy and carrying their Italian flag. And on the way back, there were some Latin household having Latin music so loud.
I was tired when I reached home, I took a shower, but then sis wanted to go somewhere quiet and to some café, so our other friend came to pick us, and on they way back very rarely you would see the French flag, except for a car, whom we perceived as Arabs, they were flaunting the French flag, and this friend of ours, he did not want Italy to win, and exclaimed to us acutely that he would never go to little Italy, he thinks Italians are show off, so when he saw this car, he was beeping and honking, and he was shouting with pride to other car “Zizo”, all we can see was thumbs up, and replying to us by screaming “Zizo”, and they kept on saying it lol, I told my friend “hayi in the sawaitha modeh”, “ you made it like fashion”, they were quite responsive.
So we went to some other café but away from lilttle Italy, but no way, there were more noise, and what is even funnier, hours later the same car that we ha encounters with, were screaming “Zizo”, but it is Forza Italia for the time being though!

Good bye world cup, until then :)

Am I superficial or there was no chemistry...

2006-07-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

ok, I have met this guy from Toronto via the internet, you can say we dated, but since we lived into two different cities, we've had two casual dates, and on the second time we've met, it was official for me that I was not attracted to him.
It is wierd, he is a very open minded guy, and he was the first Iraqi guy where I can feel quite comfortably drink my alcohol and enjoy it with him, in matter of fact, he knows nice mixes that he wishfully promised me for valentine day. I can talk about absolutely anything, he has the same view of religion as I, he is a freedom loving guy in a nutshell, with no double standards whatsoever.
We also have simliar peculair things, like both of us are the salad makers at home, he enjoys cooking as I do, he loves dancing and I do.
He is no stranger, theoretically he has what I want from a guy most importantly the basics.
My sis have met him and she thinks he looks cool, also our friend A saw him and he also thinks he looks cool. But I do not know, in the picture he send me, he looked ok and cool but I had objection against he full shaven head. I love hair on a guy, I would imagine myself stroking while sleeping on my lap under a tree some where lost in greeneries.
I want a guy with hair.
I remember when i met him at first in real life, I was struck, I wanted him to be better looking, and I did not like his lips, and my sister thinks I am silly, since she thinks that there is nothing wrong with him.
Honestly, two things must RIght so I can be attracted to a guy, nice lips and nice shoulders, his shoulders, he used to do body building, and some guy's shoulders become rather slant, I do not know how to describe it, but bottom line, I did not like his shoulders. Yes, I am superficial.
It seems we've talked lots over the phone and the conversations have had finished when we've met.
we've had moments of silence, I hated it that, also, I can not be my social science self at all, hehehe I remember I had a conversation with my good friend M, we were talking about how we want a guy with a social sceince impulse, I do not know is it because I love discussing topics that I have learned from class which is mainly theory, not that he was not a very well rounded guy but no, it is the opposite, he knew way more about Iraq and Iraqi politics than I, and I felt like a jackass. He is smart. But I think I was used to the type of guys I meet from uni, whom I would sound smart naturally since most of us are on the same level, but this guy was not like them, he knows other stuff bcz he either knows it or have to know it. And he likes shopping, while I talk in class against the consumerism culture, I felt bit hard on this subject, but i let it go, I do not like to judge people.

And given that I have not had much chemistry, due to physical aspects, everything started to feel very boring to me.
On the first date we've met, I did not feel any joy or happiness, but I wanted things to finish fast, but I thought I must be stupid to judge how I feel mostly on physical attributes , so I gave it another chance. While he left, the later month as I remeber, I did have times when I felt that i missed him, but it was a mischevious feelings, bcz I drew a picture of him that was not him, you kind of remember good people with better image or was it my subconscious wanting to make it happen for me...but the second date came, and on that second date I knew I did not want to be with him.

Even though, he is sweet, kind, nice, understanding, freedom loving guy....

The second day on our second date, I confronted him with the truth, poor thing, he really wanted to go clubing with me, probably to show me his moves, but I told him, that I was not attracted to him.
I remember when I came back home, I was happy, I was free, and I hated his after shave cologne. In a body languge book I have read this summer, said that when you do not like a person, their smell nor their taste would be appealing. True on da smell part, but the taste I could not experiment really, and i did not want.

But he is nice, and today, while I was changing to go to the mall with my sis, I thought about him, I was thinking, my birthday is coming soon, and I will b 24, and here I am I did not meet anybody, but he came back to me, all his good attributes came back to me, he was a true gentleman...but no chemistry,

and what is even crazier, when I finished changing, I went to check my email while waiting for sis, and to my surprise , I have recieved an email from him!!! he was asking about how am I doing and how is everything with me.

I feel that mother nature is trying to teach me something, i feel that the energy that binds everyone in this universe is telling me something, but If i would meet him again, would the feeling of "Oh I know why I did not like you" would come back to me again.

but then my reality, I do not feel that much physically attracted to alot of guys, and alot of guys in here do not even know how to approach girls, so even the perosnality that can cover for a guy's lack of good looks is not available. What should I do, leave this country, i want my type!! damn it!! And the more i live in this life, the more i want an iraqi as well, but here there is a shortage. oooff men in here are just boring.

Another boring day in here

ciao

A short visit ...

2006-07-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

My friend needed a course outline, so today I had a short trip to my University, well my EX-university. It felt so strange steping into the classroom, so spacious, full of intelligent-looking young people, I recognized two people I know.
I loved the prof. and I loved the subject discussed, it was "Canadian legal process" class, wierd I have not taken this class, thats what happens when a person changes majors, the electives won't be that much focused.

Ah, I loved it, loved it, I love theorizing, I love the academia and I love the people around me. Ah, lets talk about positive, natural and realist laws........Yeah!!!

Honestly, why would I want to go out to the real world, academia is much more sheltered with nice caring profs whom their sole task is to make you think and question, and you will meet with people who you can have long, intereting conversations with.The academia is a civilization, and why would I want to leave it, and to where, to the ugly real world! I like theorizing and I like asking what went wrong, and I like endless questions...

If education was for free, I would have pursued my PHD, drink and party! Yes, I would love to puruse my career as an intellectual hippi, but capitalism, oh capitalism is forever capitulating me, or not...hhhmmm let me ponder upon the question of my self-emancipiation from the materialist life style, and conclude if whether it is possible in our modern world to happen?

but now, I feel exuberantly enticed to talk about my nationalist sentiments, about my Iraqiness....If i was an Iraqi living in healthy Iraq, I would not have had OSAP, oh gosh, but I love Canada though..
oh well, me go away now...
salam

Parents...

2006-07-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

No matter how much I try to be independent of their opinion, especially their opinion about me, they still matter even if I do not admit it. They matter most when they give their assurance, even if the road is sturdy, it is almost like an oxygen boost I breath to refresh my wilted esteem in the midst of smoke and pollution.