Personal discoveries and more questions to go?

For me now, spirituality is praying for goodness and goodness alone, it washes away waste, dust, mud, and all the plethora of germs and useless worldly pleasures, spiritually is creating the principled ethics that I make my decisions from, it trims away the unnecessary baggage that freedom can bring upon me, this total freedom which gave me the ability to o discover so many things, but it could have been pricey. Without conscious, and an awakened heart, one will go lost at the bottom of worldly pleasures, and the more one gets of this pleasure, the more empty it he/she would feel, and the more hardened the heart it would feel, while the soul, it would complain that it can not go any further, it is still stationed, idle, doing nothing, has no air, nothing in, there is no food, gas, and real stimulation to run its engine.
I have always wondered, why Churches, Mosques, Synagogues, and Temples, why Imams, Clerks, Popes, Shamans?
Why religion, why believe?
And why spirituality?

Religions and their existences as the lady that gave birth to spirituality, but not! The human ardent search for the endless questions of existence, and the urgent human need to fill the void inside, and not to get lost in so many seemingly amicable human emotions, which spirituality can by itself end all the misery of going down to the bottom. Spirituality is the only one responsible for discovering higher ideals, from these higher ideals; we get morality, and then the human’s first honest effort to write down these discoveries in books hence religions, but then again, human can pervert, pervert all, therefore books are not reliable in my books, and I need to question even more.
This spirituality realizes a higher being, it is discovered, before I called it my watch angels, and they can be the opposite for the purposes of enlightenment, ie. You do a bad dead, something bad in return will happen to you, although not the case all the time.
History, also teaches us that we humans have always searched for the creator and the progress of this discovery became into monotheist belief, it is rather funny how humans made statues symbolizing or believing that it is, it, god or the goddess. Going monotheist, is the ultimate result of finding the creator, and it is also, the ultimate power of human strength to communicate with god or the natural spirit of this universe.

I was an agnostic, I did not believe in any absolute truth, and I could not also, omit god’s existence, but I named god, a natural power that with all my human senses I can not explain.
But now, I just made a simple substitution, unknowingness became believing in 3ilm il ghayb, and now, I believe in some sort of karma, and other godly way of communication to us, to enlighten us.
I dunno, I believe right now, in the spiritual discoveries of religions, I believe in some of the moral commandments (golden rule) they have discovered through spirituality, yet they are changeable as we all still in a spiritual progress. I definitely have problems with the conventional idea of Hell and Heaven, as I believe that doing good in order to go to heave is the downfall of morality itself, I believe in discovering goodness and to be closer to god.

I still have more questions, I have read some few soras from the Quran, I did find what I needed in some parts, whilst, some others, I did not need, want or believe.
I enjoy reading, surat al fati7a, and it means a lot to me, also, sorat al fala8 and nas, however, I still have problems with more sorats. I am also, intending to read other religions; I need to know more about Christianity, and Buddhism.
I would say that, I can be as spiritual as I want to be, in any religion or believe I feel like, I dunno, if that makes be a bahai, I really don’t know and I don’t care if my believes don’t subscribe to whatever mainstream religion.
But in the time being, I try my best to be good, I say hamdulah, astaghfurulah, and la7awola wala 8uwat ila bilah, and I feel the sakeena (peace).


Salam

إكتشاف روحي....

في ظلمات الأزقة الرأسماليه،هناك أبناء لم ترة أبائها و أمهاتها لمده طويلة، طويلة، ترهق القلب ولعا، لكنهم، مشغولهن، كلهم، مشغولون.......في ظلمات الشهوى الرأسمالية الفرديه، تغوص النفس البشريه في عمق الفراغ الأبدي، لا روح لديها، مجرد سيارة ماديه، هائمه في شوارع الشهوات و النزوات، تأمل في الإمتلاء ، نعم إمتلاء المعدة، و العين، و النزوات المؤقتة، الزائفه، فهناك الغلام اليتيم، يبكي على أبه، و هناك ما لما يسأل عليه أحد....في ظلمات الرأسماليه، هناك أنحطاط، إجتماعي، جرثوم يفكك النسيج العائلي......لم أكن أرى الشي الجيد في وجودية ربي، إلا عندما سأمت من فراغ روحي، و كيف هناك حب بين ناس، و إذا بالروح جوفاء، كيف أقبل الخير لأجل الخير، إذا إندفاعي مادي، أه....سبيل الروح في الروحانيه، تحسس الروحانيه، غذاء نفسي، لكي لا أضيع نفسي، و حب الله، حب الله، حب الله، أستغفر الله......و حدانية ربي، أجدها في خيراتي ربي من تعاليمه، و كم كنت أجادل مع أمي، و ما شأن قوانين ربي في عقلي، كنت بغروري أثق أن خططي العقلية ليس لها من مثيل، فأنا مدبرة قوانيني الشخصية، فإذا بفراغ صدري، و في ضيعاني، كنت أعتقد أنه أكتشاف نفسي، وجدت تدابير الله، أستغفر الله، أستغفر الله.....
ما هي قوانين ربي، إلا بأصدارات روحانية، لا يعلمها الله إلا إلينا.نعم إلينا....أستغفر الله......أستغفر الله، و أتوب إلليه.......

أستغفر الله....

in7irgat a39abi, galbi itakasar, itmaza8....

I read the latest entries of Miraj in her blog Baghdad Chronicles http://blog.aliraqi.org/, what a sad story, I swear, I felt really sad when I read it, I can not imagine myself in the place of um Hasan, wala, it is really sad, so I wrote this poem to express my anger and sadness, and my great contempt against this ugly war brought upon the lives of innoncent Iraqi civilians, may god and the good forces of nature be with them.

wala galbi inshila3 shal3eh,

Here is it,

Titled: Price of War

Longing,
Where infinity cannot reach.
Chocking,
The innocents’ hearts with war and its sordid mischief.
Distancing,
Between the bullets, her kisses cannot reach.
Aching,
The wound of her love to him, she digs her fear,
away away,
in the black box of silence, (solemn ) ….. melancholy and sadness are here.
Spilling,
Avalanche of love she feels,
to him,
no where, he is found,
Kidnapped, missing, taken, away… away!
But,
he still lives in the sight of her eyes,
her stomach,
womb,
flesh,
and through her tears;
her ears, hear his echo from a distance,
Imagining him, his touch, his kisses…
She cries in her labor,
in his name,
“Oh dear, oh dear, my love, your baby son, Hasan is here!”







:(

Bluntly Generalizing Men

Generalizing Men -=- Lets have some fun!!


African-American, African-Canadian, African-European – witty, confident, courageous, and honest with one’s feelings. The best when it comes to approaching women.
Type: hot chocolates, good to slurp to heat the body in winter.
Husband Material: 5/10


Canadian – they pass as polite boys but the truth is, they can’t ask a girl out, nor have any confidence to do so, only if they are intoxicated with booze, bars are mostly the place for them to meet potential mates, their greatest difficulty is to figure out what women want. The advantage is, women learn how to be the pants, but they will always bitch of how horrible men are.
Type: cold vanilla to add some cream to sour nights, nothing less or more.
Husband Material: 5/10
Observation: watch out for the shy guys, they make great husbands if you can compromise with your ambitions.


Americans – edgy, witty, foxy, sexy and funny. They are never afraid to strike any joke, they are great when it comes to break the ice, and they know how to seduce women, they are just fun, however they make bad politicians.
Type: hot.
Husband Material: 5/10
Observation: watch out for the cultured and humbled ones, they are great.


Arabs – All about extremism. Either the religious guy or the sayi3 pimping everywhere.

Arabs – Iraqis – He is either the shy, traditional guy that can not ask a girl out, probably he will ask his mom to pick his wife, or the super duper opposite, loose and just loose, with some double standards. And reactionary.
Type: alrighty..
Husband Material: 7/10
Watch out for the guys in the middle of the spectrum, educated, enlightened and handsome, they make great husbands.


Arab – Lubanese – Extremism is found, only there are more guys in the middle of the spectrum as in comparison of the above.
Type: They can have romantic features, over plucking eyebrows sometimes is not attractive for guys, and too dressy, which can be a turnoff,
Husband Material:7/10


Arab – Egyptian – Extremism is found, fewer guys in the middle compared to the above, they rather come in extreme packages, people with wahabi li7ya walking down the University campus or pimping, good advantage, their romantic character come in extreme, and there you go, you have your 3abd il 7aleem, enjoy!
Type: alirghty.
Husband Material:7/10


Arab- Syrians – Extremism is found; almost same as above, more balanced guys are found. They are very polite, and can acquire nice flirtation tactics, but can be very boring. More traditional, and laid back.
Type: alrighty.
Husband Material: 7/10


Arab-Palestinians – Extremism is found, and vivid. They are great when it comes to approaching women; they have the character to please females. They are manly, and never shy to say what they want, great when it comes to flirting, although can be sexist.
Type: Hot. The hottest among Arab guys, although there are sleaze balls out there, better watch out.
Husband Material:6/10

Indians – Their charm come from their sensuality, although they can be totally horrible if they don’t like the girl. They know how to have great fun and they totally dig Arab chicks, they are more liberal, and hip.
Type: Alrighty.
Husband Material:6/10


Polish – Shy guys that pretend to have it all. Traditional and can be very boring.
Type: Mostly plain and boring, but their nice looking blondies must be spoken of.
Husband Material: 7/10


Now, I don’t have any other group of men to generalize, too bad!

Inspiration to activism.

People that want to do something inspire, the ones that stay idle, stay as it is.

With my very short, blogging experience, distances between me and some other Iraqi bloggers from outside Iraq just like me are shortened, I have discovered that there are Iraqi individuals who want to do something to uplift Iraq in any practical means possible and attainable to them. One notable Iraqi American activist Nayj - http://hagardiaries.blogspot.com/ , thought that we should brains storm and think of what we can do to help Iraq. Little Penguin from http://iraqi-signor.blogspot.com/ commented once in my blog, exclaiming … “How am I meant to contemplate my existence or meditate whilst tens of Iraqis are being killed everyday? It's impossible,” even though he sounded very emotionally outraged and exaggerative at least to me, his patriotism is distinguished
After my realization about some Iraqi bloggers, I chit chatted with an Iraqi online friend of mine from New Zealand, I have known him for the past six years, he told me, that he and some of his friends will be starting a group using the advantage of Media to spread their views of Iraqi unity and patriotism, and he asked me to be the Canadian representative, which I of course accepted.

The point is, there are many Iraqis that want to do something, and we just need collective efforts, and the will. But it should not be sudden, or abruptly, it should be gradually, I believe there should be social activism at first, which can definitely lead to be a political one. We need to bridge the distances between Iraq’s different political views; we should hinder and halt any propaganda and their effects in making perceptions of the other, the other “group.”

Iraqis outside Iraq can contribute to great activism than the ones inside, in the matter of fact; we can help the activism inside Iraq. Iraqis inside Iraq do not have as much as mobility as we do abroad. I remember watching a documentary in Aljazeera about Egyptian bloggers, and it was great to watch, and it was amazing of how much power a blogger can have, not only a blogger can show human rights abuse through the snap shots he took from his camera to broadcast it online, but also, they can also assemble protests, and make their voice heard! I thought to myself, how come educated, patriotic Iraqi youth are not doing that as well, the answer is simple; we just have more bombs dropped in Iraq than in Egypt.
The question then is, how can activism thrive in such an insecure environment, not only intellectuals are murdered but the educated are leaving en masse and they can’t wait to leave!
How can we Iraqis formulate some sort of activist civil society?
I am looking for answers. Any creative thoughts?


But I must admit, I though of activism ever since I started blogging, but the thought died away, probably that my realization that there are quite a good number of Iraqis that want to do something, was not there, since I have not discovered that “many” that want to do something.

And now, I just want to attach something really old, an email I wrote to some friends, I wrote it when my uncle was given the ultimatum to leave Basra because of his sect. I Thought of doing something, and I could not do, now, my uncle he can’t go back, and is applying for his immigration to Canada, of course with the financial help of my mom and my other uncle, but how about the very poor!

Here it is:
First of all, excuse me if I come across that I know it or too naively ambitious due to limitations, which I know off.

The Iraqi people should know who is doing them good and who is not. Therefore, reporting human rights abuses is our first step, we should publicize our findings to enlighten the population because it is in my opinion for the interest of the Iraqi nation, Iraqis should learn and know how much it is important to stick with each other. An Iraqi fighting another Iraqi is just ill and horrible, and it is even more morbid once one realizes that the forces behind it are either foreigner or Iraqi powers that cares only about its certain group, and I am talking about everybody in here.

Apart from reporting human rights abuses whom we should work in coordination from trustworthy sources inside Iraq whom both Arabic and non-Arabic media are chicken scared to report, we should also, work on the social level, by educating Iraqis on many misconceptions that have been fed to them by powerful elites whom I think care only about exerting their power. I believe that Iraqis whether outside or inside, see only their clouded thoughts, and these clouds are their sense of victimization that their sect probably only the one that has been victimized, with us educating them, and reporting human rights abuses, people will see the Big picture and not be only overwhelmed by their own life examples whom they very well can attest that they are being hurt because they were Christians, Sunnis, Shia’s or Mandeans for example.

I totally believe that the Iraqi people are ready to work on having a great, stable life, it is just they do not know how to work together on this, therefore we should help to accentuate the culture of ta3awin, or helping each other regardless of background or any other regional differences. In Iraq or the greater Middle East, we do not have the culture of voluntary work, everyone seems to be stuck in their own lives, I believe in promoting such culture, and every individual should feel that they can help, a lot of people feel helpless or un-ambitious on what their abilities can do, even in the west they are people like that.

Iraqis should discover other Iraqis; they should discover that we all want to live a great life in our country and that we all want a country that we feel proud of belonging to it.

I am well aware of our limitations, but step after step we will have more succinct plant on how to get to our goals, the west did not reach to the way it is, it only reached its height when people knew what was the right thing to do, Iraqis should get their rights and fight for their rights, or else we will be puppets directed by our bosses of Iran and the USA.

That is at least theoretically, practically I do not know how to grow, but I know our first step is for instance forming this network.

Finding what is in there?

There is nothing I appreciate from ticking clocks and time progression, only that of maturity. Yes, I find maturity and being matured is one of life’s valuable assets. It clarifies the mind, it gives a lot of understanding of one’s self, therefore one can make the right decision without harming one’s self or others. It is purely peaceful tranquility, it is just majestically the calm blue sea, it is love at its ease, and I wish everyone inner peace.
The thing is, human beings are so complex regardless of how simple and naïve a person maybe perceived or how he/she perceives their selves. We are made of so many interlaying, entangling emotional feelings, and our responses and reactions to them can be really vague, incomprehensible and obscure at times, and then the stupid - confusion – takes over.
I hate it when I am confused. It is like the rage of the sea monsters, and you wonder from where did these fictional monsters arise from, how and why?
And it takes a lot of courage, and inner strength to clarify the self, to know the self. And one should be independent from the mainstream genre, one should really see one’s self through the perspective of one’s self, I am not trying to be too individualistic, we are social beings afterall, but at times, too much dictation from what the socialization process to be ‘normal’ or the pressure to be along the lines of being ‘normal’, can hinder one’s ability to understand one’s self.
Not what works for everyone, but it works for they self, a lot of people may say “Duh”, but not a lot of people realize that, and not a lot of people realize of the courage of drawing their own conclusions that are suitable to their own well being, and the empowerment they can can feel if they do so.
Understanding one’s self and knowing the principles that one can find through observation, contemplation and meditation, therefore maturity is one powerful feeling and that reaching the ‘being’, and that reaching ‘inner strength’.

I dump my fears in the black hole, in the universe I swim and dive where time as a creation does not count, only celebration and truth I count, creation is me, I wear the stellar shine as my gold, the sun’s jerking fire are my strands of hair, I swim and swim in the universe, fearless, as my fears are in the black hole, I am free, free to what I want, my strength is not the coldness of the moon, but down to earth, I am, my heart is warm.

Anarchy does work!

Check out this video, it is hilarious...it is amazing there was no car accident whatsoever! Sharp!
Enjoy :)


http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2063667852598904740&hl=en

Yesterday, one of my best friends was back from Libya, it was one year and I did not see her, I was preparing the kubeh with my mom, since they are also, family friends, we were making, the usual, the feast to welcome them.

While I was making the kubeh,- butaiteh chab, I did not feel the will or the power to see her again, I felt, she is gone, why see her again, I was apathetic, I cared less to see her.

Me and mom, we prepared the food, cleaned, and tied up our place, I was still feeling lethargic at heart, I cussed and fussed about the Arabic/Iraqi culture of how we make a big deal when someone comes to our place, I also, pitied myself for being so insensitive and ugly in the inside.

When it was time, the bell rung, I saw my friend, she gave me a long, warm hug, I wanted to feel something, and I could not.

I was inhuman. I hated myself, I mean sometimes feelings are the only thing that we have in this world and in richness, but I had them in poor.

But once we started talking, I figured out, why I liked her, I love my friend, the warmth we feel with each other, the feeling of home we feel with each other, I felt she was so relieved being here, with me and with my sister and mother and everything.

And I am so proud of her; she is done with her first year in medicine. My friend I wish you all the best, and I love you, and I am saying this, not because she will be reading this, but I feel like saying it.
Having to go through these bizarre feelings of emotional instability with my friend, my mom is leaving to North Carolina tomorrow, and I think I will break into tears (I never cry when people leave), I mean, she had two jobs before where she lived away from us, but now, I do not think I can take it any longer, damn, I love my mom and I want her home, the whole place had a new feel when she came, even though she was nagging as usual, but ……………….I will try to be stronger, one perquisite to survive in this world. But I must admit, I am getting too tired.

I wrote this today:

الناس رايحه و راجعه
و الگلب مفطور.

ساكنة حب الهوى
و الهوى مفقود.

روحت حبايبي و سفرهم،
مثل نسمة الهوى بالعلالي..إتشيلني،
و تعوفني بلاية هوى...ما موجود..

رجعة و روحه...بالطيارة لو بالريل..
فوك و جوه....
الگلب مهزوز...مهزوز..

Political Analysis

There seems to be a new “modeh” to attach the nationality Iraqi with more detailed sectarianism, living abroad, this new “modeh” I have witnessed is mostly and if not always coming from non-Iraqis.
There is the type that wants to appear all knowing, probably as news paper-intellectuals, and there is this type whom they think that they are the top-notch political analysts, visualizing Iraqi politics in a very discreet, absolutist either white or black type of analysis, leaving so many intricate, details in the trash bin.
The supposed, ever so existent Sunni and Shi’a schism is not the only analytical tool of Iraqi politics, I do not hear much about the tainted secularism, or anything about class issues in Iraq, after all, we are one hell of a “6aba8i” society.
Not so long go, women in Iraq used to wear mini skirts in their universities’ campuses, Iraq had the first female judge in the whole, wide Arab world and Middle East, and ages ago, Sunnis and Shi’as from the same social class had more in common with each other, than with their counterparts from the lower social strata.

Why is there a lot of ignorance about class struggles in Iraq, isn’t one of the reasons of why communism found quite of a receptive audience in Iraq?Iraqis started hearing stories of a female Engineer marrying a trucker, this did not happen before. Wasn’t there also, Shi’a political parties attracting Sunni’s political activists, so both and together to combat the wide spreading secularism in Iraq. The later, might not be so much of a use for political analysis today, but the history of this type of the Iraqi political scene makers were not absolute in complexion, even with the proposed variables I am offering for more detailed Iraqi political analysis, I am, also, being discreet.

Why can’t people admit, Iraq has always been a volatile, crazy place, it was never defined in absolutism, or else, you will have error inscription all over, and isn’t that what is happening!
So, why do I hear in the media of this absolutist, blunt analysis of Iraqi politics and society, so deterministic into made-up blocks, Sunni’s and Shi’as.

For all those foreigners, you think you know me if you knew I was Sunni’s or Shi’a, and likewise, for all those stupid, Iraqi politicians, they think they know me and who I support because of my background, did not Iraq witness brothers and sisters, part of them atheists, part Sunni’s and part Shi’as, aren’t there tribes in Iraq, that are partly Shi’a and partly Sunnis, how about Baghdad, how stupid of them trying to divide a city that is so “mixed” in every orientation possible; funny I use “mix”, I am sorry, but I do not accept such a silly term, I just need it to get in your head, you fool.
I never knew what my parents were, Sunni’s or Shi’as, only when I came to Canada, call me stupid, ignorant, whatever, I careless, but I sincerely did not know what kind of sect my parents belonged to, and I also, talked to couple of Iraq-Canadians, and they found the same thing, they did not know what kind of sect they belonged to. In Iraq, I do not remember people asking others if they were Sunni’s or Shi’as, it was “3aib” and nashaz, y3ani shameful and odd. And even when I try to remember my childhood friends, I have difficulty figuring out who is Shi’a or Sunni, we simply do not know, probably we were little kids, but this kind of culture and identity politics, even if it existed in realms I did not experience before, is exacerbating, I mean we have political parties according to one’s religious sects, call me a self-imposing secularist, but that does not make sense, at least to me. I mean Iraq need political parties that offer economic solutions, some sustainable development plans, something to progress social well-fare of the Iraqi people, something to combat SECTERIANISM and not to promote it, probably end those stupid militias, are those stupid politicians thing they can do something about the militias, in a country where its politics all run by identity politics, each group feel frightened, security is needed to all Iraqis. In the end, the very plebian masses of the Iraqi society are the ones who are paying the price, not the elitists, and the very weakness of these masses is that they listen to these elitists, Iraqis should be given books, or at least history books, so they can know they their grandparents long time ago, had a civilization to offer to the world and not disgusting ignorance. (I actually voice my concern to give books to the entire middle east/Arab world).
If only people felt the love to their country, and I must admit, I am just writing in here, and I will be eating my mom’s home made ba8lawa. Damn, i live in luxury! I am thankful.

Feeling a bit homesick lately, i wrote this.



The heart is a flower,
Wilting,
Dying,
It needs you.
In the darkness,
It feeds from its sadness,
The beacon, is you,
My hope,
My Iraq,
It is you,
Wilting because of you,
It needs you my Iraq,
Water thee, from your Euphrates,
Your Tigress.
Let me regain what I have lost,
Your love, my home.
Oh, I do not dither,
The heart, the mind, Uniting, choosing you,
My love, you are my motherland,
Oh by the names of Inana and Ishtar
My heart is Trembling,
Estranged,
In a strange land,
but,
no longer feeling estranged of your vicious inside,
Your violence and killer bombs,
For that I know, it is not you.
I am writing poetry,
Of a strange link to my essence,
My Mesopotamian essence,
my true vernacular.
Oh, I swear by the name of your palm trees,
Not you who brought the scourge and the plague,
Not you who brought the rapist, the murders,
Not you who raised the devils.
My love, Iraq, I want you back,
My country.

Men, they are either like a rainy, moon season or not, they never come in time when they are wanted, or come in time when things are not so welcoming of them, they have cyclical mood swings, almost like a rush hour and then it dies.
I do not care anyways, I am tired, busy, and workaholic for the time being.

I shine in the dim light

One of the predicaments of changing places a lot is that knowledge whether that of movies, songs, jokes, food, etiquette, and whether tomatoes are fruits or vegetables, differs. Yes, I have been taught through out my agriculture (zira3eh) classes in Iraq that Tomatoes are vegetables and are not fruits, and before, I could not imagine a salad without tomatoes.
Last week my coworker, an old lady was chitchatting about her garden, and how she had to deal with the excess amount of tomatoes she planted, luckily she made all the excess tomatoes - salsa, a pretty good option, and especially good for making real good margas.
While she was telling me all this, I exclaimed with great admiration for her efforts “wow, it is really good that you plant your own vegetables”
She glimpsed at me, for a second, she gave me a stupid look, and yes, thanx for my memory, I recalled that in here, in Canada, tomatoes are actual FRUITS. Oh wow, I just gave the impression that I was actually stupid, I could have rephrased my sentence and said “wow, it is really good that you plant your own tomatoes”, but oh well, that is the price I am paying for living in different countries, and I have always loved my agricultural class back home, the teacher name was Najla, we used to nick name her, Fijla, and no we did not grow any fijil in that class, and sorry, I do not know what is the name for fijil in English, oh I just miss the Iraqi fijil, it used to be hot, yam yam!

She seemed not caring to correct me, she wanted to talk about whatever to pass time, then our next conversation, after some customers of ours cleared out, was about schools somehow, and apparently I leaked some personal information, that I went to six high schools.

She was “oh, busy shopping for schools, I hate kids when they do that”

It hurts, really hurts, I mean, it hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts. Since, when I had the stupid choice, my life dictated me changing SCHOOLS, and it was an emotionally draining experience anways!

I replied laughingly, masking my sadness, “No, you know what, I will tell you how that happens” , I gave her a brief review of the countries I lived in, and the real reason why my family changed places a lot.

We bonded, she was a nice lady, but she did think I was a bit misinformed about the tomatoes being vegetables. :D

Regrets

A lonely autumn leave,
Falls,
It does not kiss the pavement,
Winds blow,
Leave dances,
Freely,
Falls,
Free fall,
And does not hug the grasses.
Winds whistle,
Leave flies; flies higher,
It does not reach the skies,
Leave falls.
Stepping,
they step over it,
With dirt, it ferments.
Leave dies,
but not the lost hugs,
or the kisses,
the memory flashes.




hope you guys like it, well, i hope it makes sense for you peeps.

good nite :)

Of everything random, my biases and poetry.

Lately, especially after me regaining my freedom, I have been going to the underground poetry readings that I used to go, these poetry readings used to be good, they used to thriving with talent, one of the regular readers was an English professor at my university, he actually used to read some of his erotic poetry, and the audience were either his own students or other students whom he will eventually dash into one way or another at our uni’s campus, and I was one of them. He has no shame, and I like that, well, he served his role as an Art’s guru that of free expression.
But now, oh wow, the recurrent use of the “F” word and other vulgarity, makes me doubt this cult’s ability in articulating their feelings in more refined stanzas and creatively, I am not against the “F” word per se, it is just too much use of the word, hinders one’s ability that of limited usage of words, or imaginative metaphors, a poet can use, instead of the “F+ing”.
Now, there are no English profs, much less number of people, few talented people, many people have left, and the poetry standard has gone really bad, the other day, only three people read their poems, and it is just so full of “Fs”
Probably my freedom ticked in the wrong direction, and I opened the wrong door, and entered in the wrong time, I want to live the memories, when I had to go back home before twelve, I used to sweat, even though it was icy cold in midst of the Canadian winter, my dad used to give me, one hell of a time, scaling me and calling me a “bitch”, even though I was pure and never thought of anything else, other than caring about my feelings, I wanted people to know the feelings in my poetry that I read for them, I wanted to be in touch with every human soul, not in my cage, isolated between four walls. I remember, during one poetry reading of mine, it was starting at eleven thirty, and I really, really wanted to read one poem of mine, but time was not generous, I told the girl in charge of who is after who, I told her, I need to go first or second, I don’t have time, I read it, and I went back home.

Sad life, my life was. Everything was a struggle. I had to earn my time and my freedom.

Me friends with my dad is something I have to be given as a credit to, being the person I am, was and still a struggle of my own.

Getting in touch with what makes me, took another round in poetry, I remember having my walk with my sister and one of my sister’s good friends, a guy from Algeria, he told me once, that in no way English poetry can be measured with Arabic poetry, he told me that Arabic poetry has way more depth into it. At first time, I did not quite believe him, but somehow, longing for my roots, made me flip pages, and pages of Arabic poetry, with all the protest, politically-edged, non-conformists, slam poetries, and Shakespeare I have read, or heard, nothing, nothing can come to this:

أحمد شوقي


وطني لو شغلت بالخلد عنه

نازعتني إليه في الخلد نفسي!




أبي القاسم الشابي:

إذا الشعب يوما إراد الحياه فلا بد أن يستجيب القدر

و لا بد لليل أن ينجلي ولا بد للقيد أن ينكسر

I feel the depth, and it is giving me goose bumps. Or probably, I should read more English poetry. I dunno. I just dunno.

Arabic love

I went to a Shaworma joint today, I asked politely in Arabic “mumkin Shaworma la7am?” he exclaims “kil ishi?”, I replyed “yeah”, everything is pretty normal, but then oh my god, he put so much meat, yes I understand that I am Arabic as he is too, but not that much meat ya 3amu! But then I cared less, I was hungry, really hungry, I ate and ate, but then I could not finish the sandwich, I somehow felt sick to my stomach, and on the way back home, my stomach was juggling, I think I could not take the “fat” that much, what can I say, thank you 3amu for you are care!
Bas khosh admi wala :D

I read soorat il ba8ara.

Yes, and I am planning to read all of the Quran, sounds like a good aya, i somehow felt estranged from the Muslim reality, quite contrary to what it says in the Quran.

I have realized something, that the point of having religious texts are not at least to me, to
control the masses but religions for me, are like intermittent historical eras of spiritual achievements on a bigger level, giving in mind we never heaard about those tiny individuals who made something, but they are just hidden from history because of the power struggle, one must look at organized religion in a political perspective to understand some, and religions do not reflect what is there, but they are spiritual breakthroughs at different levels.
I think, if we stick to what a religion holds true, and follow it without question, tyranny it would produce, I think finding spiritual guideness on an individualistic level is the way to go.But I am keeping an open mind, I will be reading the Quran and see what I can make off it, I just feel that I have a big appetite to learn more about not just Islam but all religions in general. But i know fore sure, the goodness we seek to learn from, is that god that we want to adhere to.


salam

On sexual blackmail, or not?

When I was 22, I really wanted to be in a meaningful relationship, and when I reached 23 I really felt that I wanted to get married, but none of that happened. I was the champion of chastity until marriage, although I was living in fire due to sexual frustration, which at many times interrupted my studies, although I am quite proud of my B average, and yes, I would find it hard to squeeze if I want to do masters.
Although, I made a promise to myself that if I reach 23 and still did not find anyone, then I might as well, lose my virginity. But a month from now, I will be turning 24, and I did not subdue to my word.

But during that last year, a lot of new feelings have changed inside me, yes I am still the sensitive, virgin I am, I do my calculations in brain rather than emotions and frustrations taking the lead. I am at the moment, a person who despises her virginity. I no longer need it. Enough is enough, I need a clearer mind, especially I want to have a career. I do not want to be occupied about sex and other related issues of me being sad at my withering, and quite emotionally empty youth. I always felt that all those virgin, sensitive, emotional, fiery and about everything of those feelings that I want to carry to that one, my friend, lover, partner and husband. I thought that traveling and leaving many places made me so careless of my sense of belonging, so I wanted that person to be my stable home, I wanted my holidays to be the sunset in his eyes, my fountain to be his lips, and my wild jungle is the hair of his manly chest..
Now, I realized that I do not want to be married, in the matter of fact, I feel that I want to delve through my sexuality, I want to discover my sexual side, and it is crazy that I have realized so many things about myself, one thing I realized, yes I did need emotional tie to that person to actually kiss him, but I was never that much of a monogamous person, I am not leading the argument that I should be promiscuous or anything, but the very feeling of me wanting to be free in discovering my feelings with that person, stopped me and made me feel rather ethical in my orientation, I dismissed guys just because I did not see myself with them in a long-term relationship. I did not want that, I just did not, but I wanted sex, and I thought that I was such an exploitative slut, but now, I am at the point of oking it. So what, I want sex then be it. Damn it, its just sex, and no, I do not believe in the myth of emotional attachment that some people pertain to convince females of, but I think that everyone is different, and everyone has different needs, and any culture, whether western or eastern, tries to subdue such feelings, and desires to line them as if they are a straight line, conforming to the status quo of such cultures.

If I ever think of marriage is because of sexual blackmail, I want it easy with no complications, but the idea of marriage right now, suffocates me, one thing I discovered through some very short-term dating experience is that I like my place, and my private world, I hate the phone ringing, they only that makes me tolerate all that is just pure love and longing for that one. But there is no such one.

My mom’s friend has introduced me to her nephew and he lives all the way in the Middle East, and we’ve talked online, sent pictures, he is nice and a good looking one, but I feel it is such a homework to go and talk to him, he types slowly, he does not know much English, but he is a smart, hardworking person, and mom have always lectured me that we should believe in one’s potential, ya3ni il ingleezi mu fad namooneh! But the thing is, I have chatted with people online whether male or female and I’ve learned who I liked and who I did not like to chat with, and this guy, even though nice, and has some 3amayil, is just I do not feel that Connected to. Not much of connection, not much of a conversation that is like a hot soup. No!
I have also, got introduced to another guy, although this one I met, he is nice, very horney and polite, and that is cool, the thing is, he has really bad teeth and a big mouth, and I am not exactly a superficial person, he just needs to clean his teeth. And personality wise, he thinks I philosophize a lot, which I don’t, and I do not consider myself that much of an intellectual, I am analytical yes, but I don’t want to praise myself, because I have not reached to where I want to reach. And even if I do philosophize, he just chuckles and says something else, I want something from a guy, I want to learn from a guy, I want something social sciency in the mix.
Now, my cousin upon the virtue of my dad’s help, have sent me an email, he wants me, wants to be engaged to me. He had asked me this a year ago; I mean how can he say that he loves me, if he never met me. Weird. I told him about my agnosticism at that time and he freaked out, but he thought of returning to the right path of Islam and bla bla bla. But I did not want to be with him, because I sense that there is a passport interest, even though I know he is a good person, I just do not want to be means to something. Apparetnly, this year he got engaged to an Iraqi girl, and she has a Dutch passport, the engagement did not work, dad was celebrating the opportunity, without telling me, he sent an email to my cousin telling him to email me and propose again. What the hell!!! I did not reply back and I will keep it as such. My dad thinks that I should think of my cousin, as he is a lug6a 3arees, and dad thinks that he should re-order my life, and that I should enjoy my life.

Now, apart from my world of tradition as a good Arabic girl , my Canadian side is growing and encroaching my senses. I went out with my friends yesterday and yes B, he made it quite obvious that he wants some sex, unattached, and that is something I want to do as well, he is good looking and very desirably kissable, he is what I want through my FREE conscious, he actually asked me to come with him home, I declined, I did not feel like it, and I need time, I think I will explain to him that I probably want him to be my sex guru, and oral sex might be just fine with me, I have not trespassed my fears of losing my virginity yet, very irrational and weak of me, but what can I say, I was brought up that way, even though in the inside I don’t believing in it, and even though I want an open minded guy and I would definitely decline a narrow minded one.
But during that night, I met a guy, and there was a connection, an immigrant just like, he came to Canada when he was three from Poland, he is so sensitive, sweet, and such an idealist soul just like me, someone I can easily slip and fall in love with compared to B, B is a free soul, he does not have that much extreme goodness as that guy did, and I loved, how M (I will call him M for now) approached me, how he held my hand, as if he is greeting some hhmm I don’t like praising myself, a queen or something. I liked that, B does not have such thing, B is basically good for unattached, unemotional, physical sex only, he can teach me a lot.
What I loved though, is that when we were all sitting, M and me, we were indulging, very excitingly in our own conversation, and when I was more passionate about it, all what I find is, B giving me a back message, even though I must admit, the message that he gave me back in the library was better, I guess the booze got him. But it was such a crazy feelings, I felt that I was back in the jungle, M was the competitor for B, B was giving me some “love” so I can give him attention and not the other guy, and he did something naughty, while he was messaging, he slipped his hand little bit underneath my jeans, I jerked off, and looked at him, he stopped, B wants sex and me wants sex. Cool stuff. But I declined.
What is even more interesting, M is as virgin as I am, and we talked about family values, and how our families differ, we talked about the inability of us to lose our virginity just like that, because somehow we need emotional attachment, but we both agreed there is nothing wrong if both parties want sex, we would like to keep an open mind. He also, hangs a world map on his room’s wall, pretty much an international guy, and I share such perspective, but what is sad, very very sad, M is younger than me by three years, and I hate that, well he mistaken me for 21 yrs old, and I mistaken him for 24, he is quite matured and looking for something meaningful like I do. Meeting him and with some virgin people I’ve known, I believe there should be a t.v. series about “virgin in the city”, well, I still want to write my play about virginity, and what is so interesting, one of M’s ambitions is to write a novel.
M is by far is something, but I do not know him yet, and I do not know what will happen with me and B, are we going to stay as just friends, or I will tell him of what I exactly want, and my dirty mind is getting dirtier. Not only dirtier, but there also, another guy for me, I met in the gym, an African guy from Spain, originally Nigerian, his line was “do I know you, I think I recognize you from somewhere, did you go to that class?”, obviously making stuff, but we ended up talking, that is something about all African guys, they are so confident in approaching girls, we exchanged numbers, and we going to go to the gym tomorrow, yes, another target, but I do not know, gym buddies, as it is.

I am getting to exposed to many guys at the moment, one major improvement is gaining my freedom, I wonder, why did the hell I gain it now, after I graduate, somehow I regret if I did not have such complete freedom, I did frequent to parties from time to time, but not as much as exposed, feeling free is awesome, but the interesting thing is, I might not have utilized such freedom if I was that free, I believed in chastity, now my options are open!
Even if I regained my personality, away from tradition and what not, what if I cancel my two worlds, and be myself, would I ever be able to confront my parents, they want a Muslim dude, or am I able to make a guy convert for me just for a façade in front of my parents.
I am torn. Torn between traditions and between what makes me.
But I know for sure, that I will be having fun, well I hope.

لماذا؟

الهام....فكرة....شعور....لا مفر من هذا الاهام الصادق ، أو هذه الفكرة المعبرة من خيره، أو الشعور بإنسانيتي و إنسانية غيري. . لماذا أفكر، أشعر، و ألهم.
و لماذا بكيت بعدها على وسادتي، و في وقت أريد الخلود فيه، لإنام و أرتاح و أنسي جروح دنيايه ؟
لم أشأ أن أرى هذا النور ، و لم أشأ أن يكون لدي إحساس أو أي فكرة بما أشعر، أردت أن أكون هامشيه، بسيطة، لعبة، و سهلة في أن تغريني الحياة، لأكون صادقة، الحياه غرتني، و شعوري فاض، فاص في مسائل أخرى ...و هي أساسها في أن أفكر في إحساس سليم.......لماذا يخنقني غرور الناس و عزوتهم الكاذبة الا خير فيها، لما تبكيني، هل أدركت حقيقتا بأن الغرور في الحياة يصنع الأنانية و العلو الغير صادق في إحساسنا في الخير، نعم الخير..........لندرة من الناس، يصنفون كبارهم بالخير، أين الخير، لا يوجد، فقط مراكز، مظاهر، و كل شئ مصطنع.

أريد أن أشتم الخير، أحس بالخير، أريد مصداقية الناس في عطفهم على الغير.....

لكن لماذا ألمني شعوري، إذ الحياة أغرتني، لمن أنا راجعة، لأي رحمة إلاهية غير مفسرة؟

و إذا ها قد جائني الإلهام الا شعوري، الغير مفسر.........أسأل لماذا أنا...........لما الهداية إذا تأتي مدبرة، و معنية مقصد، لما غيري، لما لا بوش أو هتلر، أو بلير،

لماذا هبة الله هكذا.........و أسأل....مع تفكيري، هل إنعكس تفكيري في الا هداية؟

لماذا أنا هنا، و لما أنا أكتب ما أكتب.......و أشعر ما أشعر، ............لماذا...........الهداية و لا هداية؟

Hot dog says bye.

My cousin who just recently came from UAE went swimming yesterday, and he returned home a bit wired, and in a crazy, sarcastic mood. It seems the only naked male body he has seen is probably his, he was totally shocked that the men’s locker room was full of naked male bodies, he was overwhelmingly disgusted, and intrigued. I told him that he would make a very picky woman, but he continued that he will not eat sausages for some, good , looong time….!!

But hotdogs are good, too bad I decided to make timen bagila today, or else I would have made some good, yummy hotdogs just for a laugh, I should buy one of those long, big, bulky ones, once cooked, they would hang, and so all I have to do is to hold it from one point and let the rest of flab hang, and offer it to my dear cousin. I sound like a bad cousin, but it will be an interesting reaction. But no, I am gona be a good cousin, and I will wait for his trauma to end, but he would seriously make a very bad, picky woman, but doesn’t he have one like that too?!