Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Making wrong decisions all the time.

So it has been six months or better HALF a year since I came back from the UAE. I can not believe how fast time goes by.
I spent it by applying for jobs, relaxing, and later studying for the GMAT. I was at first quite excited that I returned back, no more traffic jam, ridiculous heat, the conservative Sharjah and their lurking men, bad odors, classicism, and of course to recharge some energy.
I thought my experience I gained in Dubai, will land me a lucrative job in no time, I thought my relationship with everyone will reach to a higher sincere, understanding level.
But here I am, with the prospect of having a promising offer , career wise! But why is it when real things happen I start getting cold feet and not commit to it. I am so immature, now I am thinking of more than ever to return back to Dubai -UAE.
Reasons being are all emotional, and not concrete rationality, I really can not stand my father, again. I am not talking to my elder sister. And I can not stand my youngest sister's immature and childish stupidity. I feel way too old to live with them again, I hate asking for permission to go out, even though my curfew time has expanded with promising liberty.
Though last month was the hardest, I could not stand this town, the people, the redundant everything. The lack of ambition, the unsophisticated people I met, the PHDs immigrants with no jobs, and not much of decent Iraqis either.
I want to flee back, as if I am a refugee, back to the thriving social life, meeting far more successful entrepreneurs and creatives, the lounges, the more Arab guys, Budha Bar, the quality of Iraqis I meet there...I can volunteer while working, the UN has a headquarter there, and there is always something happening.
But why did I leave? I thought I really wanted Canada back. But my apathetic feelings towards Canada submerged and floated like some oblivious trash on the sea shore, such climax happened during my one week stay in Toronto. I felt the lifelessness of my own , maybe I did not meet the right people, but it did not get me or I go it, but again I am measuring things according to feelings, or fake feelings, since the real bonding with places happen through people and real career!
So I started lamenting my utterly stupid decision of coming back, I felt so stupid , after all the hard work, I left my established contacts, and people that have became close to me!
It seems I am just looking for that sense of belonging, I do not want to be negative, but the ground I walk on ever since I left Iraq, has sprouted into my sprigs there and there, and my mind is nothing but a fuzzy, confused, bogged-down, futile instrument of mixed feelings.
Though talked with my mother, it is better to earn what I have just earned and finally get my Canadian job, and then go back with an added Canadian experience to work in the UAE , again!
But I will be 26 something, close to 27, and still with no stability, and jeopardizing the higher probability of meeting the right guy there in the UAE.
In the same time, it is time to settle in and shut the hell up! Though I miss greatly, the social life there, and prospects of me finding a decent Iraqi guy in here is much less compared to Dubai, but again most of my female friends are still single all over the globe.
Maybe, my pillar of conduct should be mere rationality and nothing else, and I really want to marry my career, I have this great thirst to gain career success more than anything else, and sense to toss my prisoner the biological clock out of the window and be free, rational and creative!
The I should circumvent my feelings and fears, and do what I need to do. Maybe that is just maturity.


second said...

I love what you write and the way you write it. And I can relate.

You will search for feelings everywhere, but nowhere you will find someone closer to you than your own brothers and/or sisters. Try to talk to them.

I will be visiting you frequently shams :-}

Shams said...

Hi Second, why not first ;)

Thank you :)

I am enjoying the space by not talking to my sis. I guess if we really talk , we need really to talk about it.

take care :)