Saturday, July 29, 2006

Fashion, all the same.

Just came back from the mall today returning an item, a casual top with gray/white stripes with a hood, this never happens to me, I know what I want and my eyes work like a laser spotting the things I like.
I do not know, this summer fashion of this year is just boring, boring in the sense that it is impossible to buy something that looks different from the mainstream, everything is the same, all the moderately priced brands have items that look the same, either all dotted or stripes, and if I spot something that I like or has some twist to it, it would be pricey, and I am currently poor, even though mom send us some money, I just do not have the guts to spend on whatever I want, in the matter of fact, shopping was so boring, nothing interesting, and somehow, it is increasingly becoming like a task of hunting something unique, elegant and different…probably I will shop if I go to Detroit or Toronto, they have a lot more varieties.
But the awesome news is that I have two job interviews for two sales jobs in the mall, it is of course not my ambition, but it is great for my pockets and it will give me more freedom on where to go and what to do.
I hope to get either of the jobs, I was totally embarrassed when I asked mom for money, especially that both mom and dad have sent a good portion of their salaries to my uncle (i did not know about that only two days ago).

Oh well….financial independence is my dream, and hopefully one day I will attain it. :)

Friday, July 28, 2006

Of Chaos.

Yet, another explosive bomb in the inflammatory Middle East, destination, Lebanon. To be honest, I do not know much about Lebanese politics, all I know is that Hizbalah opened a new chaotic frontier, and for whom, for the Israelis! It feels to me that the Israelis are quite hungry to use 6akh 6eekh - their military power, to prove their existence in the region, but what was Hizabalah thinking? Didn’t they know that Israel got really mad over Hamas kidnapping couple of Isreali soldiers, but honestly what is the big deal over soldiers, aren’t they in contention? Aren’t the soldiers non-combatant targets, so it is pretty legitimate to do harm against other soldiers and - yes I am saying it quite explicitly-, it is the nature of war after all.
But in the same time, I fear any Iranian ties over what is happening in Lebanon, there are no such words as “nuclear” and “Iran” in the news. I wonder if Iran is using its regional power to challenge US and Israelis powers, to probably work as a shield to not reach or touch Iran. Iran is a big challenger for those foreign powers who seek further control and penetration in the region. Iran is basically using its cards, well, it is already using it in Iraq, however, the Iranian taking a lead of the latest development in Lebanon is still unproven. And Iran seems that is becoming more of the champion that other Arab citizens are seeking, especially with the use of unethical, amoral, pre-emptive strikes under the guise of being on the defensive mode, is rather defamatory to Israel’s reputation especially on the international level.

But why all the sudden Lebanon, why all the sudden a faction who just recently became part of the Lebanese parliament dictate what Lebanon should go through? Lebanon was growing; it was THE destination to go for tourism in that region, it was a democracy in the making.
My experience of warmongers is not pretty, Saddam has tortured Iraq through many wars, and Iraq became like a bone structure of a dying old man, and that is what’ve we got! Is each Middle Eastern country capable of acting in solidarity of other countries in the region, did Hizbalah thought of his actions as in solidarity with that of the Palestinians, even though that South Lebanon and Lebanon as a whole was liberated from Israel, why experience the same nightmare again!

If any country to act in such solidarity, then one country should not be the place of the dirty laundry, solidarity is whole and not one, but do the Arabic countries want more wars, do they want to lose more of their interests, when and how they will deal with Israel and reach a conclusion, is it through mouse and cat games, through wishful thinking that there is actually a resistance.

It seems the only solidarity that is happening is thorough fundraising channels to the Lebanese victims, coming from various Arabic countries, so far they have donated 150 millions dollars, also, UAE visas are being given to the Lebanese people.
Yes that is good solidarity, but how come such effort has not been channeled to Iraqis, my uncle that has just left Basra, is having one hell of trouble to relocate from UAE to some other country, since his UAE visa is finishing, he does not know where to go. I do not want to sound jealous, but Iraqis also, need help. But above all, I wish if I can offer any help to my Lebanese sisters and brothers, and hope they will recover soon, and Lebanon to stand on its feet again strong and proud.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Nasir Shameh

So far I have seen two interviews of Nasir Shameh, one in “Kalam Nawa3im” and the other today in “Nashwa” t.v. programs.
Not only he is a talented musician, with accredited, well-deserved fame, both in the Arabic and the western world, but what I found out, he is also, a sensitive, good Iraqi/human soul.
He is actually doing something for his people, he is currently organizing a campaign, working from his focal point Egypt against the aggravating, and the increasingly widespread rate of cancer in Iraq, and he so fearlessly pointed out the cause of such scourge, and that is quite simply, the depleted uranium bombs that the US has continuously shelled Iraq with ever since 1991. And he also, jeered at the US attempt of bringing liberation, democracy and freedom to Iraq, pointing not only at the intricate complexities of the quagmire that the US has put itself in, but also, the not so “democratic” practices, infamously Abu Ghraib’s scandal, which I believe that the torture was part of the legal procedure of interrogation, only that the big heads, deny and enjoy their living, while the small dogs are the ones like walking ads, constantly showed in t.v.

Nasr Shameh is quite liberal and freedom loving person ,and his campaign is also, to bring along a cultural and rather educational experience for those kids with Cancer, he seems to be wanting to tone down the extremism that is somehow on the increase, through music, and cultured refined taste. But what surprised me, is his honest opinion, without caring if he is to be judged or not, he said, that the operations that are being done against the Americans, are not only done by Saddam loyalists and other ex-Ba’thi members lamenting and grudging for their lost powers, or Jihadists wanting to implement their power , but also, ordinary Iraqis who have lost their loved ones through the process of their country’s destruction, such opinion is rarely held by most of the Iraqis I have known through my online experience, and most of them and I am quite sure, will label such man as a Ba’thie sympathizer, or a suck-up, holding majority opinion to promote his fame more and more but, I think Shameh knew that quite well, since he added that, he is not with the Two Bushies, or with Saddam, to curb any labeling as a Ba’thie sympathizer, because it seemed rather a culture if a person to hold such view, then he is naturally on the other camp.

He says what he feels, he says what he wants, and to be honest, once I heard his opinion, I somehow realized, that if all the Iraqi people thought of their Iraqiness first and foremost, and if their interests were all for the sole purpose of Iraq’s well-being, we would have been a lot better country, no Saddam, no Bush can divide us, but the problem, is that the ruling bunch always put their stupid, most imagined interests first, this stupid, and most imagined interested are always made from components of religious perversion and extremist to one’s group, and ideological fascism for money, control, and just the plain zest for gaining more power.


His official website is if you wana listen to his oud :)

Monday, July 24, 2006

i7sas -- Feelings

Getting back to what makes me…..

Yes, I will get back to what makes me, I will start drawing again, and I will come back jotting my feelings to make a poem and read it to my “juice poetry” hang out.
I always thought of people who have artistic talents and then leave it all behind; behind the office doors, hide it underneath their fast-past life, below the sound waves of the car beeps, alarm clock sounds, and the traffic jam, to bottom it down to eclipse their fears, insecurities, sadness and any tranquil, mushy feelings to create the façade, of a fixed, motionless, emotionless stern face, confident on the outside, to convince the inside, that they are tough enough to go on with life, and to be further convinced of the routine that life at many points stipulates.

Why abandon art, especially if that person is already an artist in the inside, does life put us in a cycle to makes us more insensitive; insensitive in here, I mean, insensitive to the feelings that we think may make us week and not strong, like the urge to cry over someone’s else shoulder, I do not think a CEO would do such thing at least potentially, given his status, because he is responsible, people are leaning over him, then, why responsibility needs toughness… why the world can not go into a crying session to express our sorrow, sadness, or why can’t the whole world contemplate on what makes us as a whole human race happy, why do people push these feelings aside, is it because they may might not make us tough, we all dream of the far away island paradise, all if not most us are bunch of hippies at the inside, why go on with more pragmatism and forget, the lush scent of roses, why judge dreamers of naivety, why respect concrete, cement, cleaning detergents, car engines, interviews, grass mowers, resumes, and all the bla stuff, and forget that we can sleep on the spongy clouds, swim in a sea of chocolate, and be musical rhythms, flying up and high reaching any melody we want to be, from Beethoven to my own musical beets when I am in love.

If we dare to dream, if we dared to touch the nerve to feel the feelings that have just passed on to our brain, we would be brave, we would know what we shall be able to do, the heart will know, no matter how much we are weak to succumb to “realism” thinking that holding one concrete brick over one fraction of felt hope, is nothing, and nothing but weakness and fear from doing what we ought to be, may romance be our virtue.

This is all pondering; I will get back resuming my endless job of finding a job.

But yeah, I would like to sleep on clouds, are they hhmmm made of cotton or something?

Sunday, July 23, 2006

I am only not virgin in this one.

The feelings of beinge attached to a country has always being evolving to me but it reached to a love/hate relationship level of an ever so, emotional instability!
I love my country (Iraq) and I hate my country(Iraq), but what I gained of being loose, and my passport was so cheap, is that I became adaptable accepting many entries, giving heads, heads of intellectual drainage, I feel like a hoocker, I can sleep with so many countries as long as they pay good, fondle good!
I am a hoocker, that is why, a person with no country has no dignity and no honour, If I want to get my honour, I shall get back my country, and be tight and not so loose and take any dirty money inside ma...pockets!
Honour shall be Iraq, and whoever rapes her must pay not money but the love and the self-respect she lost inside her heart and soul, and once she restores the love and respect, no more factions fightng but only love is to be flourished!


Seconds, minutes, hours, another year is taking my life into another round of emotional emptiness, another day of failed unintentional expectations, my feelings are the ones longing to expect of being colliding with another breath, yet another silence… in the wake of my volcanic anger eruption.
Ever since I started puberty, my first thought that I will never do the act, only with someone I cherish and love, I have always been the idealist, romantic soul with a good cause of meeting that person, however, I did have my first kiss when I was almost seventeen, it was a horrible, unaccepted, unexpected kiss from an Arab guy who thought I was over nineteen, he did not believe that in his hands, he was holding an Arab girl to be his girlfriend, but his kiss was totally unexpected, and I did not want it since I made my vows, but I felt at that moment to experiment, somehow got seduced in doing so. But, unfortunately, he was a bad kisser, and I went back home spitting, tearing the promise that I will be his girlfriend, but he was one of my many chances to be experienced and learned about sexual life.
But then again, I lived my life waiting for that person, at my first two years in university, my high expectations which was at least plausible since most of the guys I met did not want to commit, was acceptable, but then when my sexual frustrations took on and combined with so many problems I was experiencing, I had trouble concentrating on my studies and could not reach my potentials but luckily I was a fighter and got over it. But through my sexual frustrations attacks I remember looking around me, I did not see anybody that I can fuck, communicate my feelings with reciprocal understanding or make love to, it was such a dry life, but I still pursued my ideals whom I believed in so strongly to hold my urges to spill it all over like a rushing waterfalls on the person who is meant to be my friend, husband and lover.
But then I reached a point where I questions my believes on holding my virginity, which was initially to keep this feelings to the right person, to feel the emotional stability that my ever so volatile life of moving from different places could not give me, only it gave me hurt and pain, so I could not imagine of hurting these precious feelings that I had. And I always felt that I would be betraying my parents and I would feel sorry for doing this kind of thing to them, and that feeling stems mainly from the culture I come from which most of the time suppresses sexual feelings and desires, it is only through marriage and nothing else.
The new stage was, if I reach the age of twenty three, then I must lose my virginity, since I felt that I was passing my life, killing my youth, and not living my age.
I reached twenty three, I looked around, I could not see a person that I can fuck, well, yes there was a person, named A, and I found him hot, hot, hot, and I did not feel that turned on or lets say I can be stimulated only and simply by sitting next to him, his height, his presence was so strongly manly.
He liked me, and I liked him, he saw things in me that other guys could not see in me, however, the sexual cultural repression and that was my feeling of being rejected in the future if me not being a non-virgin took over, also, I could not see any long term relationship with this guy, so I turned off the offer, even though I killed myself with it. At one my point in my life, he was my regret.
After a year, when I was twenty three, I realized that it does not matter if I was a virgin or a non-virgin, if that person to take me as his wife, he should then love me and love me, the way I am, being a non-virgin is totally irrelevant, this revelation of my own strength that I can face this cultural impediments of my own sexuality, was freeing and was an optimal point of reaching my inner strength.
Then I reached a point, of finding the person who I can lose my virginity with, I met a fellow atheist, close to my agnosticism, twenty-three just like me and virgin just like me, and he did not like to meet women off bars because he thought that was only bodily interaction and has nothing to do with inner-selfs, he was a philosophy major and I liked his blue eyes, and he liked me.
The thing is, I did not feel quite the same, yes I thought he was cute, but I thought he ate a lot, and not ambitious and hardworking enough, with a good amount of laziness, I did not quite like him because I judged him, I did not like him because I simply did not quite liked him.
Even though his sincerity was amazing. I knew I could not see myself with this man for a long term relationship, why hurt him, I also, had a homesickness attack and wanted a guy form my community, at least I would feel more funny, and tell lots of funny Iraqi jokes, I wanted a guy that can see my personality from every corner possible, and that would make an inbred of eat and west, with English and Arabic spoken.
So I declined this opportunity for ethical purposes.
So, time went fast, time of graduation, the feeling of regret that I lost A, made me sleepless, so I decided to call him all the way in some place, not where I live, and yes he still liked me, and yes I still remember his moist, pillow-like lips, but somehow I discovered that I changed, and even though, he suggested to try being together even though he was a not so serious relationship, I was happy, yet bit queer, because of his change and nothing else, so I did not call him ever since, nor he tried to response, my feelings of regrets vanished.
And at the lat thought of me trying to be with the virgin, atheist guy, and when I made my made, he got a job in another city!
My emotional instability and resolutions, made my decisions always late, my upbringing, my constant change of cultures, made me doubt stability and made me feel scared of changing feelings and moving from one relationship to another, not good, but that is how it happens but do not want it to happen for myself.
I took all my decisions with rationality, logic, as those two guys above are neither from Muslim backgrounds nor Arabic, and why do I have stipulate conversion, even though I am not a practicing Muslim, and even though it will be only a façade to my parents, but I could not do that, at least I felt that I should try with Arabic guys first.
Still a virgin, with horrible dates, and my date today, yes he is pushed to the friend category again!
Yes, I feel I need someone, and I can’t find him. Am I wrong, or all the guys I meet are wrong for me? I have no idea, but one thing for sure; I discovered I could never lose my virginity for one important reason, for love, for trust.
I could lose it with R, a good looking guy not interested in commitment, he is easy, quick, and no emotional attachments, but hanging out with him, I was resisting his seduction, his beautiful green eyes, brown-blondish curls, gorgeous lips, slender yet strong shoulders, yes I can resist him, because first of all, I am not a toy, and I have my dignity, and he does not deserve me, still a kid that needs night stands, I was told him, “R I can never imagine you with a girlfriend, you are such a free guy”, he replied saying “thank you”, I was puzzled, since I did not mean it, in any complimentary way at Alll!!
A pimp, well a good-looking pimp!

I am tired off writing, I have a lot more to say about virginity in a very different way, and I have decided to write a play about virginity and the different types of sexual life people lead and how our search will always be for love!
Now, I am ever more patient, and I hate dating, waste of time, Yack!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

It is disturbing

Mom is in North Carolina, dad is in Qatar, and I might as well shift somewhere in the universe If I have the golden chance of taking my first chance stepping into a real career.
Yes, the blue collar haven city I live in does not provide me with such opportunities, even the volunteering that I am doing, is not quite in my field, and I am just doing it to beautify my so ever so green resume to hard rocks and real measures, and I think I am too ambitious of what I have just claimed, I think that was my wishful thinking, a real volunteer that will boost my job prospects is somewhere in the big apple, NY and in the UN, get to know real shots, real characters that are responsible for making real cynical, realistic decisions that always go wrong!
But then again, back to capitalism, I have to be like a YoYo, a seesaw, a roller coaster, or the better description, a butter fly sucking my nectar from every opportunity that comes accross to me.
We have to leave the periphery, the unattractive sidelines of unprofessional capitalism, we should live the fast paste, the ever so innovative inventions of abandoning family, loved ones.
But what is so funny, I feel that I am blaming everything on modernity, I do not think so, I know for sure, this has been the case whenever there have been the big centres and the small places that are always on the verge of being empty for its obsecure opportunities, sometimes I dream of getting back to the basics, and have a good land and plant my cabbage, tomatos, and my land hhhhmmm should be along some beach to fish my exotic fishes and other sea foods, and my place, I want it to be a small hut.
I fish, eat, play, dance, have kids, go to traditional cerimonies, and small flowers as I walk collecting wood to lit my heart with passionate fire, and scream that I love life.

Hell, I always dream of stability, I love a certain routine that I enjoy, I love a certain type of familiarity, probably familiarity with my surounding, and the environment, hhhmm a belonging to a place, to a tradition and group of people I accept freely.

But nah, I changed four countries, changed my high school six times, and I am the modern human beings, the bedouins might have ridden camles in search for a better land to feed themselves and their cattle, but now, we ride airplanes in search for the place that has abundance of jobs and benifits.

I might not mind it for the short term, but if I get married, and have kids, I will kill myself rather than seeing my kids shifting through cycles of "oh, we need to move again".

Boom and bust are just curse of my bewitched reality.

But then again, I am it, I am reality, and I am hear to challenge, so yeah, I will apply for more jobs?!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


When do philosophers draw conclusions?

Random Things and Characters I hate with passion:

1.Filling big, huge, long applications and all the paper work for that matter, I Kind of lose my sanity through the process.

2.Money is a bitch, for it tangles my initial freedom from birth to life imprisonment of having to get that dirt in my pockets.

3.The fire alarm. It is enough for me that I am wearing glasses, I do not think I have to lose my hearing for just making kebab/burgers, they should change this loud siren into more variety of alarm tones, how about hibhob beable….yeah I know it is hip hop :D

4.Rap. Enough said.

5.Flip flops, and most of the sandals, as they always give me bruises, I hate bruises, luckily I found one comfy one.

6.Tan lines, I do not like to pass as a Zebra. Nude beaches…hhhmmm never tried that one! (giggles)

7.Men making great symphonies while eating, men talking aloud while me watching t.v. observably, men making stupid, silly comments, thinking they are cool. Insensitive men as a whole.

8.Bombs, and the extremist bugs from all sides.

9.Moral supremacists people, unscrupulous people thinking bad is cool, or closed-minded people judging others of being the ones who are closed-minded, Oh I can not take those ones!

10.Writers using Big, flowery words to flaunt their inability to communicate with the readers. I must admit quite confidently, not all people have memorized all of the words in the dictionary !

11.Cigarettes, especially the smell….Yack!!!

12.Gender double standards, it is funny why is it downtown at night you see Arab guys hanging out with no Arabic female breath I feel in the crowd, what is it, the night life is only for them!!

13.Egoistic People that talk too much about themselves, keeping quiet will always label you as an unaccomplished loser. Humbleness is not their book, but when they keep quiet, that’s when their limit sets in.

14. Hardworking, workaholic people that forgot that life is not only a struggle but a
also, a big party booty shaking!

15. Writing this!

Monday, July 10, 2006

hot or cold?

G: Ryan always asks me how I do it, I had no choice but to be self-efficient and strong....

(After a long pause)

Me: Sometimes it is better if you do not have a choice but to be strong, because if you do have the choice of either being weak or strong, you most likely will choose being weak, and be dependent on parents....

(G after his long journey of sufferings and misery, noddes his head with conviction and content esteemed happiness, that he is a self- accomplished young man).

The end of the world cup


The world cup ended yesterday leaving my always-quiet city with its Italian population raving the atmosphere, honking and beeping and flaunting the Italian flag with pride following almost every passerby to whatever destination he/she going.

The game started at two o’clock yesterday, so sister, my friend and me booked prior a day seats in a café somewhere in the neatly assembled and elegantly decorated café strips of little Italy, because we knew everywhere would be full even if we had booked for our seats, we came earlier at twelve.
Our friend is an Iraqi guy, wore his original blue jersey, he is such a dedicated fan of Italy as if Italy was his home country or something. It was packed to the fullest, in the café where we sat, we did not end up sitting in the patio or the main seating area indoors but we sat in a rather small room area whom the café owners would not usually use for their own customers, its just they had to open more space to accommodate seats for people who already booked seats in their place, but they ended up opening the back door for us, and that is when I suffered, since this spot of the café neighbored residential area, more pollens irritated my good self, I started itching my no time.

I sat with a group of people all wearing the Italian jerseys, well my t-shit was white, so I did not exactly stick like a sore thumb, I was not really a fan of Italy nor France, but I was more leaning to Italy, what can I say, they’ve got some pretty boys there, the most good looking team in the world cup. My sister was actually with France, she did not come to the café early, but only with the start time of the game, our friend and me struggled to keep her seat.

The most thing that intrigued me was the reaction of the crowd I sat with, especially the guys, they actually defied gravity by the way they jumped, their loud voices was above of what was considered loud, and they broke any sense of public etiquette by the way they cussed and swore, and it is so amazing that all those guys were strangers, but on the Italian goal was scored, all you see is hugging, and congratulatory greetings, I do not know why girls did not hug and did all the stuff, I mean I am not Italian and I do not feel all the passion for Italy to win, but if it was Iraq, I think I would be above the clouds.
But there were the quiet-natured people including some couple of guys, whom I exchanged looks in a very happy and amused way with, when people did the sudden jumping when something important happened, one girl looked kind of nervous in a very joyous way, honestly it was a crazy scene, the attachment those people felt towards the team, and longing and the wanting for their team to win.
When the game first started, those people actually stood up in respect for the Italian national anthem, I did not do that, I was not Italian really, but my Iraqi friend did.

The first part of the game every spectator would say that Italy would win but then France made a come back, it is funny how much I heard phrases like “fuck you French” or “fuck France”, it was fine by me though, I understood that as frustration even though a bit rude bit mildly rude so far, but then when Zidane did what he did, which was a disgrace to the sport, even though if the other guy said things he was not supposed to say (which I am sure he said), he should at least Controlled his temper, after all , he does not want to conceal his career with a kala or the bullet like a thor (bull) raging technique he showed up. That was when the crowd I sat with was raging to the maximum, I heard “fuck you French”, “you disgrace to the game” , but the killer one was “fuck you fucking Arab”, I felt I was misplaced, estranged and I felt like leaving , but I did not do any scene, but I gave a dirty look at the person who said such an ugly thing, though I am not sure if it was him, the voice came from the back, but at least I did something, or at least I think I did, but my sister, made the excuse that she has to throw the pizza carton package outside, yeah she took her bag and did not come back, I think she was insulted, but I did not want to make a scene, but our friend, he just dismissed such incidence as ignorance and he kept cheering for his team, in the matter of fact, after the game finished, he went parading with his newly purchased big Italian flag, whom he wore like a cloak around himself, it was a big flag, and teasing him while I was walking behind him, I carried the two ends of the flag s and sung “itmakh6ari ya 7ilwa ya zeena”, it is a wedding Egyptian song :D
After the game, little Italy was rampaged with people from all over, even though they were mainly Italians, but you would see Arabic girls with scarves having their faces painted with the Italian flag, Indians, Latinos, and Anglo Saxons, one Anglo Saxon looking dude, was talking over the cell phone, he was “fuck Italy”, but he was nice enough to me, when he offered a hand, when I wanted to climb over a higher place to have a bigger picture. I think people when people say that “fuck…..(fill in the dash for whoever” is nothing serious, but it can tell you about certain feelings and enmity, most of the Serbians I met were with France, and to my surprise alot of people liked what Zidane did, and some had even wierd explanations, the Shaworma place that I sometimes go there, explained it that Zidane was paid to do that, but I dismissed such effort of explaining such incident as a typical arab mentality of conspiracy theory.
Back to the scene,there were splashing alcohol bottles, I got some on my hair and clothes, and everyone was reckless about their drinks, I got some bear more on clothes. There were a live band, and all that I did not know what I was doing, at least my friend was lost celebrating with other fans, I was not in all that mood, but it was a nice atmosphere, so I decided to go after taking mental pictures of what is happening, my friend walked me to the downtown and then he went back, and there were more people, you would see Somali girls in a car beeping for Italy and carrying their Italian flag. And on the way back, there were some Latin household having Latin music so loud.
I was tired when I reached home, I took a shower, but then sis wanted to go somewhere quiet and to some café, so our other friend came to pick us, and on they way back very rarely you would see the French flag, except for a car, whom we perceived as Arabs, they were flaunting the French flag, and this friend of ours, he did not want Italy to win, and exclaimed to us acutely that he would never go to little Italy, he thinks Italians are show off, so when he saw this car, he was beeping and honking, and he was shouting with pride to other car “Zizo”, all we can see was thumbs up, and replying to us by screaming “Zizo”, and they kept on saying it lol, I told my friend “hayi in the sawaitha modeh”, “ you made it like fashion”, they were quite responsive.
So we went to some other café but away from lilttle Italy, but no way, there were more noise, and what is even funnier, hours later the same car that we ha encounters with, were screaming “Zizo”, but it is Forza Italia for the time being though!

Good bye world cup, until then :)

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Am I superficial or there was no chemistry...

ok, I have met this guy from Toronto via the internet, you can say we dated, but since we lived into two different cities, we've had two casual dates, and on the second time we've met, it was official for me that I was not attracted to him.
It is wierd, he is a very open minded guy, and he was the first Iraqi guy where I can feel quite comfortably drink my alcohol and enjoy it with him, in matter of fact, he knows nice mixes that he wishfully promised me for valentine day. I can talk about absolutely anything, he has the same view of religion as I, he is a freedom loving guy in a nutshell, with no double standards whatsoever.
We also have simliar peculair things, like both of us are the salad makers at home, he enjoys cooking as I do, he loves dancing and I do.
He is no stranger, theoretically he has what I want from a guy most importantly the basics.
My sis have met him and she thinks he looks cool, also our friend A saw him and he also thinks he looks cool. But I do not know, in the picture he send me, he looked ok and cool but I had objection against he full shaven head. I love hair on a guy, I would imagine myself stroking while sleeping on my lap under a tree some where lost in greeneries.
I want a guy with hair.
I remember when i met him at first in real life, I was struck, I wanted him to be better looking, and I did not like his lips, and my sister thinks I am silly, since she thinks that there is nothing wrong with him.
Honestly, two things must RIght so I can be attracted to a guy, nice lips and nice shoulders, his shoulders, he used to do body building, and some guy's shoulders become rather slant, I do not know how to describe it, but bottom line, I did not like his shoulders. Yes, I am superficial.
It seems we've talked lots over the phone and the conversations have had finished when we've met.
we've had moments of silence, I hated it that, also, I can not be my social science self at all, hehehe I remember I had a conversation with my good friend M, we were talking about how we want a guy with a social sceince impulse, I do not know is it because I love discussing topics that I have learned from class which is mainly theory, not that he was not a very well rounded guy but no, it is the opposite, he knew way more about Iraq and Iraqi politics than I, and I felt like a jackass. He is smart. But I think I was used to the type of guys I meet from uni, whom I would sound smart naturally since most of us are on the same level, but this guy was not like them, he knows other stuff bcz he either knows it or have to know it. And he likes shopping, while I talk in class against the consumerism culture, I felt bit hard on this subject, but i let it go, I do not like to judge people.

And given that I have not had much chemistry, due to physical aspects, everything started to feel very boring to me.
On the first date we've met, I did not feel any joy or happiness, but I wanted things to finish fast, but I thought I must be stupid to judge how I feel mostly on physical attributes , so I gave it another chance. While he left, the later month as I remeber, I did have times when I felt that i missed him, but it was a mischevious feelings, bcz I drew a picture of him that was not him, you kind of remember good people with better image or was it my subconscious wanting to make it happen for me...but the second date came, and on that second date I knew I did not want to be with him.

Even though, he is sweet, kind, nice, understanding, freedom loving guy....

The second day on our second date, I confronted him with the truth, poor thing, he really wanted to go clubing with me, probably to show me his moves, but I told him, that I was not attracted to him.
I remember when I came back home, I was happy, I was free, and I hated his after shave cologne. In a body languge book I have read this summer, said that when you do not like a person, their smell nor their taste would be appealing. True on da smell part, but the taste I could not experiment really, and i did not want.

But he is nice, and today, while I was changing to go to the mall with my sis, I thought about him, I was thinking, my birthday is coming soon, and I will b 24, and here I am I did not meet anybody, but he came back to me, all his good attributes came back to me, he was a true gentleman...but no chemistry,

and what is even crazier, when I finished changing, I went to check my email while waiting for sis, and to my surprise , I have recieved an email from him!!! he was asking about how am I doing and how is everything with me.

I feel that mother nature is trying to teach me something, i feel that the energy that binds everyone in this universe is telling me something, but If i would meet him again, would the feeling of "Oh I know why I did not like you" would come back to me again.

but then my reality, I do not feel that much physically attracted to alot of guys, and alot of guys in here do not even know how to approach girls, so even the perosnality that can cover for a guy's lack of good looks is not available. What should I do, leave this country, i want my type!! damn it!! And the more i live in this life, the more i want an iraqi as well, but here there is a shortage. oooff men in here are just boring.

Another boring day in here


Wednesday, July 05, 2006

A short visit ...

My friend needed a course outline, so today I had a short trip to my University, well my EX-university. It felt so strange steping into the classroom, so spacious, full of intelligent-looking young people, I recognized two people I know.
I loved the prof. and I loved the subject discussed, it was "Canadian legal process" class, wierd I have not taken this class, thats what happens when a person changes majors, the electives won't be that much focused.

Ah, I loved it, loved it, I love theorizing, I love the academia and I love the people around me. Ah, lets talk about positive, natural and realist laws........Yeah!!!

Honestly, why would I want to go out to the real world, academia is much more sheltered with nice caring profs whom their sole task is to make you think and question, and you will meet with people who you can have long, intereting conversations with.The academia is a civilization, and why would I want to leave it, and to where, to the ugly real world! I like theorizing and I like asking what went wrong, and I like endless questions...

If education was for free, I would have pursued my PHD, drink and party! Yes, I would love to puruse my career as an intellectual hippi, but capitalism, oh capitalism is forever capitulating me, or not...hhhmmm let me ponder upon the question of my self-emancipiation from the materialist life style, and conclude if whether it is possible in our modern world to happen?

but now, I feel exuberantly enticed to talk about my nationalist sentiments, about my Iraqiness....If i was an Iraqi living in healthy Iraq, I would not have had OSAP, oh gosh, but I love Canada though..
oh well, me go away now...


No matter how much I try to be independent of their opinion, especially their opinion about me, they still matter even if I do not admit it. They matter most when they give their assurance, even if the road is sturdy, it is almost like an oxygen boost I breath to refresh my wilted esteem in the midst of smoke and pollution.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Sheesh Hasheesh

The very interesting internship that I was dying to get, was an intership where I can apply my degree with all the topics that are of interest to me, which I mailed last Friday, was unfortunate enough to freeze somewhere in the North Pole, it was sent to Santa for my wish to be untrue next Christmas. No, truthfully, I phone called the place and the person who was in charge for the interns' employment has stopped working since the last three years. The person I talked to had an awesome English accent, and told me, that a quite number of people have asked to talk to this imginary fella, apparently the site that I went to was an old, outdated grandma.
And I asked him with a wishful, rather hopeful voice if they hand any internships for the time being, he replied me with an appologizing sad voice "No, we don't" .


I think I should phone call and then email/mail and not the way round, collecting correct informations seem like a task of its own.

A great article for all the Arts, social sceience, and humanities graduates

First of all, I want to send million kisses to whoever wrote this article. The article definitely,
Confronts the myths with insightful evidence for what our employable degrees can provide. A good read and a great boost!

What can I do with a Bachelor of Arts Degree?: Myths and Facts
Myth #1: A Bachelor of Arts degree is not enough to find a well-paying, interesting job. I need to go to graduate school, Law School, the Faculty of Education, or a technical training institute to be competitive for professional employment.
Myth #2: A Bachelor of Arts degree will get you a job flipping burgers and not a whole lot else!
Myth #3: A Bachelor of Arts degree is a waste of time and money. Those who specialize in Engineering, Technology or Commerce are the ones that get the jobs and earn the most money.
Myth #4: If Arts students just 'do what they love' in terms of their academic course work, career planning can wait until later or after graduation.

A main reason for the skepticism about the labour market value of an Arts degree that we sometimes hear in the media or from family and friends is the frequent lack of an obvious correspondence between majors and specific jobs.
For example, a Computer Science major is likely headed for a career working primarily with computers, thus applying the technical knowledge and content directly from his/her coursework. However, because a History major will not necessarily get a job as a historian after an undergraduate degree, many students worry about how an intimate knowledge of medieval Europe, for example, will translate into a satisfying, challenging and well-paying career after graduation.
For many students, parents and peers alike, this uncertainty has spawned many myths about an Arts degree. While these myths are potentially damaging, reality does not support them. In fact, graduate outcome surveys and research show that Arts undergraduates are equipped with transferable skills that are highly desirable to many different employers. Such a high level of marketability allows for great career versatility and success. This skill set, along with the corresponding benefits, is unique to Arts undergraduates, and the key strength of the degree.
Photograph taken by Matthew Celuszak
Myth #1: A Bachelor of Arts degree is not enough to find a well-paying, interesting job. I need to go to graduate school, Law School, the Faculty of Education, or a technical training institute to be competitive for professional employment.
Fact #1:
Further academic study is not a pre-requisite for finding lucrative and interesting employment immediately after completing a Bachelor of Arts degree. Arts students should not feel they need to pursue further education simply because they do not know what else to do or feel they cannot secure a well-paying job without it. According to a survey conducted in 2001 by the University Presidents' Council of BC, BC Arts graduates are employed with an average salary of $46,000 annually within 5 years of graduating, without having any further college or university study.
The reason for this is that most professional careers fall outside of the mainstream or traditional jobs of 'Lawyer', 'Teacher', 'Doctor', or 'Professor'. Many are within Arts students' reach upon graduation, particularly if they have already identified their unique interests and abilities, researched occupations, networked with industry professionals, volunteered or worked in related fields, and rounded out their academic education with other activities. The following are examples of job titles held by Arts graduates, ranging from non-profit, to private business, to government:
Events Planner
Advertising Executive
Marketing Professional
International Developer
Corporate Trainer
Technical Writer
Graphics/ Web Designer
Program Coordinator
Vocational Counselor
Although many of you may find that you desire more formal academic or specific education as you advance in your career, it is not necessary or even advisable to pursue further education immediately after graduation unless your career exploration activities have pointed you in a direction that requires further specialized education. Participating in career exploration and research activities guided by UBC Career Services and/or Arts Co-op will provide the direction, information and opportunities needed to gain experience in fields that spark your interests.

Photograph taken by Stephanie Tait
Myth #2: A Bachelor of Arts degree will get you a job flipping burgers and not a whole lot else!
Fact #2:
Based on recent statistical analysis conducted by UBC Professor of Economics, Dr. Robert C. Allen, Liberal Arts graduates readily find jobs and generally earn high incomes. Arts graduates are often employed in a professional or managerial capacity (50 - 81%). This compared favorably with those in Commerce (60%) and those with technical or vocational diplomas from colleges and technical institutes (24 - 35%).
According to a study conducted by the Social Science and Humanities Research Council of Canada, Arts graduates have a high earning potential. From their 20's to their 50's, students that graduate in the Humanities see their annual income rise on average by 78%. Graduates in the Social Sciences see their income rise 106% over the same period. This compared favorably with a 47% increase in income for community college grads and an average 76% increase for university grads across all fields.

Photograph taken by Arts One
Myth #3: A Bachelor of Arts degree is a waste of time and money. Those who specialize in Engineering, Technology, Science or Commerce are the ones that get the jobs and earn the most money.
Fact #3:
In the long run, graduates with Arts degrees are often just as successful as their counterparts in other, more vocationally specific degrees. This is because Arts graduates emerge with highly developed research, communication, creative problem-solving and critical thinking skills that are in high demand because they are difficult to teach in the workplace. Many employers want this type of well-rounded employee, who can be trained for more specific skills.
In January 2001, 30 top executives of major Canadian high-tech corporations released a joint statement to the Canadian HR Reporter articulating the merits of a Liberal Arts background in the economy:
"It is impossible to operate an effective corporation in the new economy by employing technology graduates alone. We have an equally strong need for those with a broader background who can work in tandem with technical specialists, helping create and manage a corporate environment."
The statement also said that in order for Canadian companies to compete and prosper internationally, they need to employ leaders who are creative, possess critical thinking skills, and who have learned how to keep learning. In fact, many CEO's of successful technology companies have undergraduate degrees in Arts.
Here are some other examples of successful UBC Arts graduates working in a range of professional occupations:
Susie Biro, Certified Professional Coach, Speaker and Seminar Leader, BA Psychology
Suzanne Boyd, Team Leader, Attraction & Recruitment, HR Business & Performance Consulting, Human Resources Division, VanCity Credit Union, BA Sociology/ Women Studies
Pat Carney, BC Senator, politician, author, planner, BA Economics/ Political Science
Ben Heppner, Tenor, BA Music
Gillian Moran, Program Manager, GLOBE Foundation of Canada, BA International Relations/ Canadian Studies
Robert Mundell, University Professor, Columbia University, BA Economics
Linda Ong, Program Marketing Co-ordinator, CBC, BA English Literature/ Sociology
Jonathan R. Pagtakhan, Financial Adviser, CIBC Imperial Service/ CIBC Investors Services Inc., BA Economics
Judi Piggott, Director, Training and HR Development, Alliance for the Arts, BA Psychology
Alison Stringham, VP Operations, Hot Tomali Communications Inc., BA English Literature
Jasbir Uppal, Regional Program Officer, Associate Regional Executive Head's Office, Human Resources and Skills Development Canada, BA Political Science/ French Language
An Arts degree is a "good ticket" to long-term career success because Arts students develop permanent "soft" skills in research, analytical-thinking and flexibility and often experience greater workplace variety as a result. In a report released in June 1999, the Ottawa Citizen revealed that that Arts graduates tend to be more satisfied with their jobs than the technology graduates 5 years after graduation.
If you want to obtain some ideas about possible careers for your major after graduation, click on "What can I do with my major" from UBC Careers Online.

Photograph taken by Ka-Kei Law Photography
Myth #4: If Arts students just 'do what they love' in terms of their academic course work, career planning can wait until later or after graduation.
Fact #4:
We encourage students to pursue what they are most passionate about in life. The trick is to turn your passion into your career by planning your career path strategically starting right now! Although the first step towards creating a career you will love begins with finding and focusing on the subjects you are most interested in, doing what you love while planning for the future will turn your passions into tangible career realities.
By starting to plan for your career while you are pursuing your studies, you will experience an easier transition from your academics into the workforce after you graduate. Instead of waking up after your graduation ceremony and asking yourself, "Now what?", you will have a clearer picture of what kinds of work you are interested in, where to search for or create such employment, and how to secure the position. Also, the sooner you start this process, the more networks you will develop which could provide you with leads to unadvertised job openings or ideas on how to create your own employment.
Starting early will also provide you with valuable experiential learning opportunities to test out the kind of activities you think you would enjoy doing for a living before you have to commit to them full-time. Spreading your career exploration over the duration of your studies could save you valuable time, energy and money in the long run.
You are totally employable with your Arts degree. Why wait until you have graduated to figure this out?!



Sunday, July 02, 2006

Feels so bla.

I dunno why, this weekend I am feeling very tired. I have not done anything productive much, except washing dishes. Although, I went to play tennis with a friend today, it wen fine, its just she is new to the game, and I was teaching her, she was impressive, but her hands got tired fast, we ended up talking and thats about.
I have alot of energy, but it is going into waste. I am volunteering, trying to upgrate my skills. But I still just feel inadequate still, I want to learn French, I want to read more books, and I want to travel but my pockets are empty like my feelings. Everything feels like Bla. And this weekend of mine is definitely a big BLA!
I think I will get back to my book, I am currently reading "The court of the Caliphs -- when Baghdad ruled the Muslim world". It is all cool.
Oh sis, is calling me to go for grocery shopping, this is so bla....

waiting and making descisions.

Alrighty, so I graduated. Did not get any sucky, filed-unrelated job yet, however I did apply for two, real good internships. I will be applying for more and more, I do not know, getting a job does it have to do with quantity of jobs I am applying to or the quality. If it is quality, then I hope I will get into one of those internships that I have applied already, if quantity, then I must probably wait until I reach a number that will make me feel confident that I must pusure more of filed-unrelated, suck jobs or continue education.

If I to continue education, Money is needed, since I am was such an idiot since I did not work hard enough to get any attempt of me getting a scholarship, my major average is a B, ok just a B, if I want to do a masters, I need at least a B+. But I still have the choice of me purusing another four semesters in econ. and a business degree, this kind of degree is more commerical and market oriented.
But more Money.
I want education to be free, at least to me. Honestly, why do they have to tie us like that wit debt.

Or I can kick education right on the ass, and do one of the banking/investment certificates, and employ my current degree International Relations on something I like and feel more passionate about, like be an NGO or something related.

Honestly, making decisions is hard, it is not like that opportunities are abundat.