Seconds, minutes, hours, another year is taking my life into another round of emotional emptiness, another day of failed unintentional expectations, my feelings are the ones longing to expect of being colliding with another breath, yet another silence… in the wake of my volcanic anger eruption.
Ever since I started puberty, my first thought that I will never do the act, only with someone I cherish and love, I have always been the idealist, romantic soul with a good cause of meeting that person, however, I did have my first kiss when I was almost seventeen, it was a horrible, unaccepted, unexpected kiss from an Arab guy who thought I was over nineteen, he did not believe that in his hands, he was holding an Arab girl to be his girlfriend, but his kiss was totally unexpected, and I did not want it since I made my vows, but I felt at that moment to experiment, somehow got seduced in doing so. But, unfortunately, he was a bad kisser, and I went back home spitting, tearing the promise that I will be his girlfriend, but he was one of my many chances to be experienced and learned about sexual life.
But then again, I lived my life waiting for that person, at my first two years in university, my high expectations which was at least plausible since most of the guys I met did not want to commit, was acceptable, but then when my sexual frustrations took on and combined with so many problems I was experiencing, I had trouble concentrating on my studies and could not reach my potentials but luckily I was a fighter and got over it. But through my sexual frustrations attacks I remember looking around me, I did not see anybody that I can fuck, communicate my feelings with reciprocal understanding or make love to, it was such a dry life, but I still pursued my ideals whom I believed in so strongly to hold my urges to spill it all over like a rushing waterfalls on the person who is meant to be my friend, husband and lover.
But then I reached a point where I questions my believes on holding my virginity, which was initially to keep this feelings to the right person, to feel the emotional stability that my ever so volatile life of moving from different places could not give me, only it gave me hurt and pain, so I could not imagine of hurting these precious feelings that I had. And I always felt that I would be betraying my parents and I would feel sorry for doing this kind of thing to them, and that feeling stems mainly from the culture I come from which most of the time suppresses sexual feelings and desires, it is only through marriage and nothing else.
The new stage was, if I reach the age of twenty three, then I must lose my virginity, since I felt that I was passing my life, killing my youth, and not living my age.
I reached twenty three, I looked around, I could not see a person that I can fuck, well, yes there was a person, named A, and I found him hot, hot, hot, and I did not feel that turned on or lets say I can be stimulated only and simply by sitting next to him, his height, his presence was so strongly manly.
He liked me, and I liked him, he saw things in me that other guys could not see in me, however, the sexual cultural repression and that was my feeling of being rejected in the future if me not being a non-virgin took over, also, I could not see any long term relationship with this guy, so I turned off the offer, even though I killed myself with it. At one my point in my life, he was my regret.
After a year, when I was twenty three, I realized that it does not matter if I was a virgin or a non-virgin, if that person to take me as his wife, he should then love me and love me, the way I am, being a non-virgin is totally irrelevant, this revelation of my own strength that I can face this cultural impediments of my own sexuality, was freeing and was an optimal point of reaching my inner strength.
Then I reached a point, of finding the person who I can lose my virginity with, I met a fellow atheist, close to my agnosticism, twenty-three just like me and virgin just like me, and he did not like to meet women off bars because he thought that was only bodily interaction and has nothing to do with inner-selfs, he was a philosophy major and I liked his blue eyes, and he liked me.
The thing is, I did not feel quite the same, yes I thought he was cute, but I thought he ate a lot, and not ambitious and hardworking enough, with a good amount of laziness, I did not quite like him because I judged him, I did not like him because I simply did not quite liked him.
Even though his sincerity was amazing. I knew I could not see myself with this man for a long term relationship, why hurt him, I also, had a homesickness attack and wanted a guy form my community, at least I would feel more funny, and tell lots of funny Iraqi jokes, I wanted a guy that can see my personality from every corner possible, and that would make an inbred of eat and west, with English and Arabic spoken.
So I declined this opportunity for ethical purposes.
So, time went fast, time of graduation, the feeling of regret that I lost A, made me sleepless, so I decided to call him all the way in some place, not where I live, and yes he still liked me, and yes I still remember his moist, pillow-like lips, but somehow I discovered that I changed, and even though, he suggested to try being together even though he was a not so serious relationship, I was happy, yet bit queer, because of his change and nothing else, so I did not call him ever since, nor he tried to response, my feelings of regrets vanished.
And at the lat thought of me trying to be with the virgin, atheist guy, and when I made my made, he got a job in another city!
My emotional instability and resolutions, made my decisions always late, my upbringing, my constant change of cultures, made me doubt stability and made me feel scared of changing feelings and moving from one relationship to another, not good, but that is how it happens but do not want it to happen for myself.
I took all my decisions with rationality, logic, as those two guys above are neither from Muslim backgrounds nor Arabic, and why do I have stipulate conversion, even though I am not a practicing Muslim, and even though it will be only a façade to my parents, but I could not do that, at least I felt that I should try with Arabic guys first.
Still a virgin, with horrible dates, and my date today, yes he is pushed to the friend category again!
Yes, I feel I need someone, and I can’t find him. Am I wrong, or all the guys I meet are wrong for me? I have no idea, but one thing for sure; I discovered I could never lose my virginity for one important reason, for love, for trust.
I could lose it with R, a good looking guy not interested in commitment, he is easy, quick, and no emotional attachments, but hanging out with him, I was resisting his seduction, his beautiful green eyes, brown-blondish curls, gorgeous lips, slender yet strong shoulders, yes I can resist him, because first of all, I am not a toy, and I have my dignity, and he does not deserve me, still a kid that needs night stands, I was told him, “R I can never imagine you with a girlfriend, you are such a free guy”, he replied saying “thank you”, I was puzzled, since I did not mean it, in any complimentary way at Alll!!
A pimp, well a good-looking pimp!
I am tired off writing, I have a lot more to say about virginity in a very different way, and I have decided to write a play about virginity and the different types of sexual life people lead and how our search will always be for love!
Now, I am ever more patient, and I hate dating, waste of time, Yack!
مكتوب # 25
5 years ago