Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Motivation, from where can I buy one kilo of motivation and presistence?

Before the natural inevitable mistake of procreation, and therefore, before inventing the need and the necessity to plant the crops to feed horny, stupid peoples’ babies, and that is inventing agriculture, human beings used to work only, ONLY two days a week, now, it is the opposite, simply because we have to. Ooof!

And after me delving into my freedoms, and after I have entertained my ears with melodies and rhythms of one of my favorite songs since high school, it goes like “we don’t need no education, trahhh, we don’t need to self control, trahhhh, got sarcasm in the classroom trah, hey teacher leave them kids alone, tan tan tan…” ah, it keeps my now-dull, grown up spirit alive, it keeps me motivated, but honestly, how did I get to university, if I have always unconsciously felt that way, which just now, I have discovered that I do not like to work, and I despise responsibilities, and I careless for details, although I love to be stimulated to know the knowledge of how this universe is made, and I love to make art expression of how I perceive the beauty and the ugliness of this world I live in.
I feel that, I …am a mere reflection of artistic stimulation my body, heart, soul feel, I draw the chains I see through politics that suffocate…me , whether it is political economy, socially political, or merely sexually political, I write, what I feel, and kiss the paper for the words I miss to hear where nuclear talk is what overwhelming the sphere, --that just rhymed yes—I just I do not hear love, What motivated me, to do my degree, International relations, is not my love to politics, but my love to my country, through this love, I became an idealist, even though the love is still there, my apathetic attitude is certainly making me feel apathetic about everything political, I just want to go on about my love, and live happily after, in the matter of fact, I lack ambitions, all I want to do, is to be relaxed, have fun time, read books, learn, I am currently trying to teach myself piano, I want to enjoy Arts, I discovered I have done a major mistake that I chose this field of study, even though I enjoyed it, enjoyed it a lot, it was like munching yummy chocolate after each class I attended, politics for me was like dark chocolate…but even though I enjoyed it, I felt that I was left unchallenged, a lot of people leave IR because they can’t handle the economics, and I managed to get my act all together with the economics, in the matter of fact, I loved analyzing and evaluating economic and market policies, I love stock exchange and all the bullshit behind the speculation acts and what not, I do love this dry side of politics, I do love to study political economy, and even political philosophy, it makes me feel alive, but , I can not imagine myself working with such knowledge in the real world, I discovered I like the thought process, of philosophy, politics, and economics, and if I ever liked to express anything in any real value as in real salary, career and all the ugly stuff, I would never like to imagine myself in a formal suit, or be in real positions working with MPs, I feel dry, I feel so un me, I just do not like it, but I would rather to express my social sciency knowledge or curiosity in a rather artistic forms, but certainly I can not play any musical instrument and certainly I do not have the consistency and REAL ambition to sit down and write a real play and a movie script as I want to.
I gota face the truth, I am a real bum in the inside, or probably what I am looking for, is not career oriented yet, I do not want to be in yet, I want to have friends, real friends, I want to travel, I want to make human contacts, I am so sick and tired, of doing what I have to do just because it sounds like the next step to do, honestly, I feel like belonging to some kind of island, clan, tribe, full of hippies, free thinkers, in touch with themselves kind of people, I totally reject the way life is run in this world, the total dependency on materialistic gains, to pay the bills, the mortgage, the routine, I do not want to know people who shop because they have nothing to do, or to expect some shopping healing therapy. I want to be in a world, where real people exist, the self-development I seek, is rather communal and not so individualistic, I can not take it anymore, I thought I became exogenous from the “community” or my need for people, especially if I have real cool sisters, but the dream of that hippi people’s island is still in my head, and it is not going away.
I am still abstract, how the hell, an abstract person such as me, can survive in this world, where positions are held by people who are outgoing, big mouth and talkative, pay attention to boring details, and egoism driven.

What should I be?

I do not know, time only can tell.

But honestly, I have not opened my “piano for dummies” for the last two days.


zmanutdz said...

They sell motivation on ebay , check the link.

Both of those two are found inside you, you just have to work hard to find them I think. Socialising with people of similar interest can help ( guilt and feel good factor are important ). And having supportive friends and people that care for you and vice versa is very important as well. So no easy solution I am afraid. But do you have a set of goals for you to be motivated towards achieving ? I mean definite long term goals?

Gilgamish said...

hey zmanutdz,

thanx for the link..

"do you have a set of goals for you to be motivated towards achieving ? I mean definite long term goals?"

u know, i know that i need goals in order to achieve them and in order to be successful, i know that most successful ppl are the ones who have goals to follow.

but i guess i know part of my goals, and i know what i would like to do is not exactly part of what i should be doing in order to do the goals, i am motivated to have fun, and travel :D , but i guess, i wont let it to bog me down.

i will have fun while trying to do whatever it takes to reach the goal.

thanx alot for the q, i take it as a reminder :)

Virgin Man said...

You set the goal too high, my friend. The reality and your ideal world collide sooner or later. You will be in depressing stage following by denying then acceptant stage.

Why don't you look inside yourself? Maybe what motivate you isn't altruistic but selfishness. (Don't get me wrong, selfishness don't have morality value by itself.)