Thursday, November 23, 2006

آمنت......في فلسفه تحشيشيه...

الحب نتيجه عن.....انعجاب شخص بشخص اخر، وممكن لهذا الانعجاب يتطور لحب......او هل ممكن للحب ان
يتكون نتيجة رغبه و نزوه جسديه محرقه....هل الحب منهمر من شلال احنه مكوني في سراب احلامنا....هل الحب حقيقه، او حقيقه جزئيه نقدر ان نكملها بكليه مطلقه اذا فتحنا ابواب قلوبنا على مصراعيها....هل الحب تنور ذهني، فلسفه معينه، تعبر عن سحر عيون الساحر البارع الذي اخذ عقلي، و جعلني مني بنت تافه بدون عقل....هل الحب غذاء نفسي، ننشفه من قطرات ندى انفاس الناس الذي نحبهم.........
كيف يحصل الحب، لما البكتيريا تتكاثر اسرع و لما سهام الحب تتعثر اكثر، لما كثرة الحروب، و لما قلة الرومانسيات ، على الاقل في عالمي، اليابس ، اليائس، الممل......
لما لاد فأ حنان امي، و ابي و اخواتي لا يكفي عقلي، روحي، نفسي، شعري، بصري، رؤيتي، لما هذه الرغبه في حصول على هذا الحب الخيالي، لما خيالي يخيبني بصنع لوحات خياليه لا احد يقدر ان ينالها سوى الخيال نفسه، يعني الخيال ينتمي للخيال....و الحقيقه لها بيتها..

انا آمنت بان نصنع من الحقيقه خيال ، و ننسج من روح الخيال وجدانيه حقيقيه جذابه، لمساتها حنونه متواضعه، و قبلاتها منهمره من شلال خيالي فاسق، الهامي، جنسي، محموق على ان نصنع من الحقيقه خيال.....
يلا وين هذا الحلو حتى احوكه و اسوي چاكيت حلو على كدي!
:D

Thursday, November 16, 2006

A is not for Apple, Alone!

Today after work, I went to see Y, the supervisor I had for my volunteering job, she wanted me to help D, an English teacher at the center teaching English for the new comers.
His students have varying levels of competence in the English language, and he could not review each lesson for each group, so I took group number two.
But I knew that one of the two students, was an Iraqi lady, in her early fifties, it is funny and surreal, how her Iraqi accent stood before my eyes as if it is a real chunk of land from AyiraK, ok ok, the “sikisteen” was definitely an Arab genre type of accent, but damn, did not I just die when she said “chibis”, while explaining her trip to food basic, upon D’s request at the start of the lesson how each student should explain of what he/she did during the week.
And oh, “ChilidRReen” !! :D

So, I ended up reviewing the numbers for them, and we did review some old vocabs, when we stumbled about the word “alone”, I asked if they know this word, she gave me some look, she said “I alone, live in mayi apaRRtmaint”, that’s how she recognized the meaning of the word, she looked sad for a bit, I asked the where abouts of her family, she told me that her “chilidreen” are in Jordan, Amman. She is an old woman, in a country she is new to, but then I could not stop, I asked how she came here and some other related questions, she felt a bit uncomfortable, and I just continued with the reviewing.

But then, I decided to go home when it was break time, I could not stay that long, I had to go home, I was tired and bored, and when I told her, that I will be going home, she almost jumped from her seat, wishing me to stay even more, wasn’t she ever so happy to discover another Iraqi soul such as herself. I proceeded with no thinking, and ever so spontaneously, I wrote my number on the tissue paper that I used previously to draw the meaning of the vocab, boat :D , and so I gave it to her. She is alone after all, she looked at me with happiness, but what so strange, she asked “ya3ni ani agdar akhbrich 3ala hatha il ra8um, ya3ni a7aslich?” (“I can call you on that number, can I get you on that number?”), deep down inside, I was “Duh, that’s why I gave it to you”, I left the classroom, seeing her big, wide smile following me until the exit.
I was apathetic to the volunteering thingi, but she made me feel something!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

ham dokhat il faransi again...

This is the second internship I can not apply to because I can not read/write/speak French, and it was tailored to the skills I have as an IR graduate, not fair, and it is in Sydney Australia, my heart is broken, but my mind is alert thinking of learning this damn language.

ciao for now… I prefer Italian though! :D

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Motivation, from where can I buy one kilo of motivation and presistence?

Before the natural inevitable mistake of procreation, and therefore, before inventing the need and the necessity to plant the crops to feed horny, stupid peoples’ babies, and that is inventing agriculture, human beings used to work only, ONLY two days a week, now, it is the opposite, simply because we have to. Ooof!

And after me delving into my freedoms, and after I have entertained my ears with melodies and rhythms of one of my favorite songs since high school, it goes like “we don’t need no education, trahhh, we don’t need to self control, trahhhh, got sarcasm in the classroom trah, hey teacher leave them kids alone, tan tan tan…” ah, it keeps my now-dull, grown up spirit alive, it keeps me motivated, but honestly, how did I get to university, if I have always unconsciously felt that way, which just now, I have discovered that I do not like to work, and I despise responsibilities, and I careless for details, although I love to be stimulated to know the knowledge of how this universe is made, and I love to make art expression of how I perceive the beauty and the ugliness of this world I live in.
I feel that, I …am a mere reflection of artistic stimulation my body, heart, soul feel, I draw the chains I see through politics that suffocate…me , whether it is political economy, socially political, or merely sexually political, I write, what I feel, and kiss the paper for the words I miss to hear where nuclear talk is what overwhelming the sphere, --that just rhymed yes—I just I do not hear love, What motivated me, to do my degree, International relations, is not my love to politics, but my love to my country, through this love, I became an idealist, even though the love is still there, my apathetic attitude is certainly making me feel apathetic about everything political, I just want to go on about my love, and live happily after, in the matter of fact, I lack ambitions, all I want to do, is to be relaxed, have fun time, read books, learn, I am currently trying to teach myself piano, I want to enjoy Arts, I discovered I have done a major mistake that I chose this field of study, even though I enjoyed it, enjoyed it a lot, it was like munching yummy chocolate after each class I attended, politics for me was like dark chocolate…but even though I enjoyed it, I felt that I was left unchallenged, a lot of people leave IR because they can’t handle the economics, and I managed to get my act all together with the economics, in the matter of fact, I loved analyzing and evaluating economic and market policies, I love stock exchange and all the bullshit behind the speculation acts and what not, I do love this dry side of politics, I do love to study political economy, and even political philosophy, it makes me feel alive, but , I can not imagine myself working with such knowledge in the real world, I discovered I like the thought process, of philosophy, politics, and economics, and if I ever liked to express anything in any real value as in real salary, career and all the ugly stuff, I would never like to imagine myself in a formal suit, or be in real positions working with MPs, I feel dry, I feel so un me, I just do not like it, but I would rather to express my social sciency knowledge or curiosity in a rather artistic forms, but certainly I can not play any musical instrument and certainly I do not have the consistency and REAL ambition to sit down and write a real play and a movie script as I want to.
I gota face the truth, I am a real bum in the inside, or probably what I am looking for, is not career oriented yet, I do not want to be in yet, I want to have friends, real friends, I want to travel, I want to make human contacts, I am so sick and tired, of doing what I have to do just because it sounds like the next step to do, honestly, I feel like belonging to some kind of island, clan, tribe, full of hippies, free thinkers, in touch with themselves kind of people, I totally reject the way life is run in this world, the total dependency on materialistic gains, to pay the bills, the mortgage, the routine, I do not want to know people who shop because they have nothing to do, or to expect some shopping healing therapy. I want to be in a world, where real people exist, the self-development I seek, is rather communal and not so individualistic, I can not take it anymore, I thought I became exogenous from the “community” or my need for people, especially if I have real cool sisters, but the dream of that hippi people’s island is still in my head, and it is not going away.
I am still abstract, how the hell, an abstract person such as me, can survive in this world, where positions are held by people who are outgoing, big mouth and talkative, pay attention to boring details, and egoism driven.

What should I be?

I do not know, time only can tell.

But honestly, I have not opened my “piano for dummies” for the last two days.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Guilty, but so are others!

The Iraqi community seems rather ecstatic, my friends’ msn title all pertain joyous messages over Saddam’s death verdict, Iraqi online forums are all hyped up with happiness, and most of Iraqis are keeping busy congratulating each other over this very “happy” moment.
As for me, I feel nothing, and I do not think that I am living a glorious moment, and I am no where close enough to be a Ba’thi sympathizer, I do not like to throw personal experiences that my family lived and went through in the air for the sake of creating a self-victimized anecdote, but I have to say it, yes, my father was imprisoned and he was on the verge of losing his life, because of a simple crime that he cursed Saddam Hussien publicly, he instantly got reported by Saddam's secret intelligence, and jailed, its funny we did not know where he disappeared for a while.
No Iraqi needs to be affiliated in any political opposition to Saddam to feel Saddam’s reign of oppression, because he with quite of a magic touch, influenced and affected every Iraqi soul you can think of, the very fact that I am Canadian now, is because of Saddam Hussien, and the so many dreams I have dreamt ever since I was a child in relation to my country, like going how I wanted to go to a university in Baghdad, never took place because of Saddam, and not only those pink like child dreams, but real messy, hard life that I had to endure like changing my high school six times, I had to leave friends behind and re-make new friends again, the very fragile life my family lived before we became Canadian, from Visa issues, not knowing to what country we should go to, since our Iraqi passport and nationality did not give us that many of options, and again, thanx to Sadam Hussien, the “savior” of the Iraqi nation, and thanx again for messing and screwing up Iraq big time, one of the richest countries in the world, we Iraqis kept a stright line in queues to get our food rations, and the piece of chicken as a Makrama during Ramadan, and thanx Sadam Hussien for creating his envisaged, dreary Iraqi nation, which only gave birth to collaborators whom they brought foreign rule, and occupying our country until this moment.

But I wonder, with all the pain my family had to go through, just to get away from Saddam’s Iraq, why I find myself not so joyous over his death sentence.

I mean, Saddam Hussien is and still is, the way I curse life or whatever when I feel mad, I use the infamous life “kharab Saddam”, a lot of Iraqis use it, its cool and comes quite handy, since it is so expressive of how we feel!

But why, I do not feel joyous over this sentence.

The big, big reason, Saddam’s overthrow and deposition into the trash bin, did not become a reality through Iraqis earnest hard work, and what I mean by Iraqi, I mean real Iraqis, who lived in Iraq and endured what Iraqis went through, and not because of some dogmatic force, that will later be used as propaganda to divide the masses.

Saddam’s sentence, is America’s hard work, it is the plan that America envisaged, especially that elections are coming and they do need some sensational Hollywood moves in here, eh! So let them flex their muscle, and show what they’ve got really happening in Iraq, covering their death tolls with something even more emotionally trendy.

Saddam’s sentence is politically right, it suits power politics, hence the powerful rules, but it is not in according to fairness.
I have Milosovic, I wonder, is he still having his juice in his prison, why isn’t he sentenced to be hanged as well, wasn’t he responsible for heinous war crimes, notoriously famous for ethnic cleansing?!

And what happens to other dictators, why indict Saddam and not Mugabe, why is there still so many other dictators roaming around freely with no International rule restriction over their foul, criminal misbehaviors.

There are so many ruthless figures have gotten their ways, for example, Henry Kissinger, whose responsible for the death of a large number of south East Asians, also, he got some misbehavior in Latin America. How about George Bush, dashing in to a country with no legal claim, barging into a country with no responsibility to maintain law and order, but only to perpetuate lawlesness, the Abu Ghraib scandal, I would like to see a real trial over what happened over there, and to verify whether there was instruction from top to bottom to normalize torturous means into the investigation query.

And not only foreign bullies, how about other Iraqis responsible for killing other Iraqis, I know Saddam was a hyena, I know the Iranian-Iraqi war served no purpose, but how about other collaborators responsible for killing other Iraqis, the ones who collaborated with Iran against Iraqis, killing Iraqi soldiers during the war. It is wrong and very wrong to think that Saddam is the only one, there are the others.

Trial should include for all the ones who have killed an innocent Iraqi live, and responsible in destroying our homeland.


I would have applauded this trial process, later the verdict, whether death penalty or not, if it would have been a solely Iraqi process, coming from the ethos of the Iraqi people and nothing else, I would have applauded this verdict if it was not tailored to suit the interests of foreign occupying forces in my country, and I would have applauded this verdict, if Iraqi people were smart enough to be a unified force, and one voice, and not clashing over a death sentence that has nothing to do with them and quite exogenous to their very wants and desires!


But then again, Saddam is guilty!