Couple of days ago my friend K called, but this time I picked up the phone since I was away for the past three weeks in North Carolina. This girl loves me a lot, and I do not know how to explain her love, I ignored her for long time, probably two or three months until this current day of this very minute. While on the phone, she asked me whether I blocked her on msn or not, and me with my very outrageous honestly, said yes, but I also, mitigated my outrageous honesty, so I gave her a fun, user friendly, extremely accessible excuses of “post graduation depression” and me being an extreme “introvert , I can’t but just laugh at my crap, although I must admit that the later is somehow true, I do feel I am a bit of an introvert, and I would rather to hang out online or with some interesting books, other than real boring, fake human beings.
The way I met K was through some Iraqi guy (which we both despise due to his double standards, gender wise), he knew K and he knew me, and he knew that both of us shared some mutinous thoughts against religion, she is an atheist, whilst I am an agnostic, but we did not know each other, however, according to his description of her, I recognized this K chick while I was writing my essay downstairs at the Uni’s basement. I looked at her, I asked if she was Iraqi, and asked if she was k, and continued exclaiming of what our gender specific, biased and shared “friend” have told me about her that she is ‘from my kind of people’, apparently, she clicked completely, but I clicked because she was one of the few Iraqis and Arabs who were like that, and I thought that she might as well, hear me speak and understand me.
I don’t want to go into details of my friendship with her, but this girl also, shared some problems that I had too, but she also, has some tragic family illness which made sadness into more sadness, but she is the type of a girl that always tries to look forward with optimism, and tries her best to do what she can, although still, she did not graduate yet, as an English major, she needs to type a lot, and now her hands are not working either, with all these things happening to her, I wonder why I am not with her, I wonder why I did not stick with her, and why do I still judge her, as a naïve person.
However, last summer, through her and me, our sisters were united, we formed a group, she and her sister, me and my two sisters, we used sit at their patio, eating watermelons, drinking tea, and our sisters smoking Shisha. Through her I met her sister J, she is really cool, fun to be with, she is also my age, and she made me realize, why I am not into K that much, J is cool, spontaneous, she does not go into the sudden rushed silence that K usually goes into, J listens, she does not interrupt, K does that a lot and that is annoying, J also, by the virtue of her age has more maturity, of course I am not saying age is always an indicator of wisdom and maturity, but in this case it is the truth, and J understand what the hell I am talking about, K I find her a bit hhmm slow, even though J is a college graduate, but what I really really, do not like about K is the fact that she thinks she is sophisticated because she took some philosophy courses where she can blab some sentence she memorized, well, I am judging her in here, and I am belitting her in here, but at least she has to be accountable for what she is, an atheist, right? She blames – 7asad/envy for her low grades, her inability to be focused on her studies(that’s way before her hands are not working, poor thing), I let her vent about it twice or three times, but I remember while me, her and her sister were sitting in some café, and after me and her sister exchanged some laughter, and happiness, which she was absent from, the change of the topic, was something about her grades, and how she has to improve, and then with all her audacity, she blamed “7asad/envy” for her downfall, me feeling very agitated, I asked her “how can you be an atheist, a proud atheist, if you believe in 7asad?”, her reply was a nervous laugh. That was a turn off for me.
I feel that I had enough with this girl, I felt I needed a better sophisticated friend, well, I am not all that, and I do not even consider myself as an intellectual, but at least I demand someone who has some common sense, or someone that has some clarity and maturity of how they think.
From that day, I kept a low profile, although I miss hanging out with J.
What made me even keep a low profile, is my friendship with H, a Libyan Canadian girl, a Muslim, and she wears the scarf by her choice, although not so lately, but nevertheless she is a Muslim.
H is five years younger than me, while K is two years younger than me, yet I find H way more matured and smarter than K, in the matter of fact, I learn when I talk to H, and what I love about H she got objectives, someone older than her like me even don’t have, she went back to Libya especially to be a doctor.
H is enlightening, through her I get to be exposed of how the world is biased towards females that wear the scarf, she is judged as being closed-minded and ultra conservative. When she got accepted to a highly renounced high school, which had few non-Caucasian students, she was sentenced as the future housewife through the eyes of many, this girl also, had to endure like so many other Arabic girls, the limited freedoms forced down her throat by her parents, in a Canadian society where personal freedom and judgments are highly valuable, but she was strong, I am proud that I was her cry shoulder when she needed, unlike K, I did not feel the same way, but coming to think of it, I feel weird, did I judge K, was I inhumane , or did I just find her plainly uninteresting?
With H I can hold a conversation and about any topic, she is not conservative, she believes in homosexual rights for example, I mean people wearing bikinis might not necessarily believe that, its funny how people judge others by their attire, honestly, going to bars, and wearing mini skirts does not mean enlightment of the masses, but H sophistication is, and I am not saying believing in homosexual rights means that a person is sophisticated…..
H is away in Libya now, and K is in here, I feel friendless locally speaking, and I feel i7sasless.
My sister thinks that I should explain myself to K of how I feel about certain things, I mean she loves me and cares about me a lot, she is probably the only f friend after H, that feels strongly about my existence, but hhhmm I do not care for some intellectual superficiality, if good heart and will are both there and for me!
I mean why do I have to find people interesting, should I call back after months of not seeing her?
Should I reply back the phone call, when I do not feel like it….i dunno…..
مكتوب # 25
6 years ago