When I was 22, I really wanted to be in a meaningful relationship, and when I reached 23 I really felt that I wanted to get married, but none of that happened. I was the champion of chastity until marriage, although I was living in fire due to sexual frustration, which at many times interrupted my studies, although I am quite proud of my B average, and yes, I would find it hard to squeeze if I want to do masters.
Although, I made a promise to myself that if I reach 23 and still did not find anyone, then I might as well, lose my virginity. But a month from now, I will be turning 24, and I did not subdue to my word.
But during that last year, a lot of new feelings have changed inside me, yes I am still the sensitive, virgin I am, I do my calculations in brain rather than emotions and frustrations taking the lead. I am at the moment, a person who despises her virginity. I no longer need it. Enough is enough, I need a clearer mind, especially I want to have a career. I do not want to be occupied about sex and other related issues of me being sad at my withering, and quite emotionally empty youth. I always felt that all those virgin, sensitive, emotional, fiery and about everything of those feelings that I want to carry to that one, my friend, lover, partner and husband. I thought that traveling and leaving many places made me so careless of my sense of belonging, so I wanted that person to be my stable home, I wanted my holidays to be the sunset in his eyes, my fountain to be his lips, and my wild jungle is the hair of his manly chest..
Now, I realized that I do not want to be married, in the matter of fact, I feel that I want to delve through my sexuality, I want to discover my sexual side, and it is crazy that I have realized so many things about myself, one thing I realized, yes I did need emotional tie to that person to actually kiss him, but I was never that much of a monogamous person, I am not leading the argument that I should be promiscuous or anything, but the very feeling of me wanting to be free in discovering my feelings with that person, stopped me and made me feel rather ethical in my orientation, I dismissed guys just because I did not see myself with them in a long-term relationship. I did not want that, I just did not, but I wanted sex, and I thought that I was such an exploitative slut, but now, I am at the point of oking it. So what, I want sex then be it. Damn it, its just sex, and no, I do not believe in the myth of emotional attachment that some people pertain to convince females of, but I think that everyone is different, and everyone has different needs, and any culture, whether western or eastern, tries to subdue such feelings, and desires to line them as if they are a straight line, conforming to the status quo of such cultures.
If I ever think of marriage is because of sexual blackmail, I want it easy with no complications, but the idea of marriage right now, suffocates me, one thing I discovered through some very short-term dating experience is that I like my place, and my private world, I hate the phone ringing, they only that makes me tolerate all that is just pure love and longing for that one. But there is no such one.
My mom’s friend has introduced me to her nephew and he lives all the way in the Middle East, and we’ve talked online, sent pictures, he is nice and a good looking one, but I feel it is such a homework to go and talk to him, he types slowly, he does not know much English, but he is a smart, hardworking person, and mom have always lectured me that we should believe in one’s potential, ya3ni il ingleezi mu fad namooneh! But the thing is, I have chatted with people online whether male or female and I’ve learned who I liked and who I did not like to chat with, and this guy, even though nice, and has some 3amayil, is just I do not feel that Connected to. Not much of connection, not much of a conversation that is like a hot soup. No!
I have also, got introduced to another guy, although this one I met, he is nice, very horney and polite, and that is cool, the thing is, he has really bad teeth and a big mouth, and I am not exactly a superficial person, he just needs to clean his teeth. And personality wise, he thinks I philosophize a lot, which I don’t, and I do not consider myself that much of an intellectual, I am analytical yes, but I don’t want to praise myself, because I have not reached to where I want to reach. And even if I do philosophize, he just chuckles and says something else, I want something from a guy, I want to learn from a guy, I want something social sciency in the mix.
Now, my cousin upon the virtue of my dad’s help, have sent me an email, he wants me, wants to be engaged to me. He had asked me this a year ago; I mean how can he say that he loves me, if he never met me. Weird. I told him about my agnosticism at that time and he freaked out, but he thought of returning to the right path of Islam and bla bla bla. But I did not want to be with him, because I sense that there is a passport interest, even though I know he is a good person, I just do not want to be means to something. Apparetnly, this year he got engaged to an Iraqi girl, and she has a Dutch passport, the engagement did not work, dad was celebrating the opportunity, without telling me, he sent an email to my cousin telling him to email me and propose again. What the hell!!! I did not reply back and I will keep it as such. My dad thinks that I should think of my cousin, as he is a lug6a 3arees, and dad thinks that he should re-order my life, and that I should enjoy my life.
Now, apart from my world of tradition as a good Arabic girl , my Canadian side is growing and encroaching my senses. I went out with my friends yesterday and yes B, he made it quite obvious that he wants some sex, unattached, and that is something I want to do as well, he is good looking and very desirably kissable, he is what I want through my FREE conscious, he actually asked me to come with him home, I declined, I did not feel like it, and I need time, I think I will explain to him that I probably want him to be my sex guru, and oral sex might be just fine with me, I have not trespassed my fears of losing my virginity yet, very irrational and weak of me, but what can I say, I was brought up that way, even though in the inside I don’t believing in it, and even though I want an open minded guy and I would definitely decline a narrow minded one.
But during that night, I met a guy, and there was a connection, an immigrant just like, he came to Canada when he was three from Poland, he is so sensitive, sweet, and such an idealist soul just like me, someone I can easily slip and fall in love with compared to B, B is a free soul, he does not have that much extreme goodness as that guy did, and I loved, how M (I will call him M for now) approached me, how he held my hand, as if he is greeting some hhmm I don’t like praising myself, a queen or something. I liked that, B does not have such thing, B is basically good for unattached, unemotional, physical sex only, he can teach me a lot.
What I loved though, is that when we were all sitting, M and me, we were indulging, very excitingly in our own conversation, and when I was more passionate about it, all what I find is, B giving me a back message, even though I must admit, the message that he gave me back in the library was better, I guess the booze got him. But it was such a crazy feelings, I felt that I was back in the jungle, M was the competitor for B, B was giving me some “love” so I can give him attention and not the other guy, and he did something naughty, while he was messaging, he slipped his hand little bit underneath my jeans, I jerked off, and looked at him, he stopped, B wants sex and me wants sex. Cool stuff. But I declined.
What is even more interesting, M is as virgin as I am, and we talked about family values, and how our families differ, we talked about the inability of us to lose our virginity just like that, because somehow we need emotional attachment, but we both agreed there is nothing wrong if both parties want sex, we would like to keep an open mind. He also, hangs a world map on his room’s wall, pretty much an international guy, and I share such perspective, but what is sad, very very sad, M is younger than me by three years, and I hate that, well he mistaken me for 21 yrs old, and I mistaken him for 24, he is quite matured and looking for something meaningful like I do. Meeting him and with some virgin people I’ve known, I believe there should be a t.v. series about “virgin in the city”, well, I still want to write my play about virginity, and what is so interesting, one of M’s ambitions is to write a novel.
M is by far is something, but I do not know him yet, and I do not know what will happen with me and B, are we going to stay as just friends, or I will tell him of what I exactly want, and my dirty mind is getting dirtier. Not only dirtier, but there also, another guy for me, I met in the gym, an African guy from Spain, originally Nigerian, his line was “do I know you, I think I recognize you from somewhere, did you go to that class?”, obviously making stuff, but we ended up talking, that is something about all African guys, they are so confident in approaching girls, we exchanged numbers, and we going to go to the gym tomorrow, yes, another target, but I do not know, gym buddies, as it is.
I am getting to exposed to many guys at the moment, one major improvement is gaining my freedom, I wonder, why did the hell I gain it now, after I graduate, somehow I regret if I did not have such complete freedom, I did frequent to parties from time to time, but not as much as exposed, feeling free is awesome, but the interesting thing is, I might not have utilized such freedom if I was that free, I believed in chastity, now my options are open!
Even if I regained my personality, away from tradition and what not, what if I cancel my two worlds, and be myself, would I ever be able to confront my parents, they want a Muslim dude, or am I able to make a guy convert for me just for a façade in front of my parents.
I am torn. Torn between traditions and between what makes me.
But I know for sure, that I will be having fun, well I hope.
مكتوب # 25
6 years ago