Saturday, August 26, 2006

Yesterday, one of my best friends was back from Libya, it was one year and I did not see her, I was preparing the kubeh with my mom, since they are also, family friends, we were making, the usual, the feast to welcome them.

While I was making the kubeh,- butaiteh chab, I did not feel the will or the power to see her again, I felt, she is gone, why see her again, I was apathetic, I cared less to see her.

Me and mom, we prepared the food, cleaned, and tied up our place, I was still feeling lethargic at heart, I cussed and fussed about the Arabic/Iraqi culture of how we make a big deal when someone comes to our place, I also, pitied myself for being so insensitive and ugly in the inside.

When it was time, the bell rung, I saw my friend, she gave me a long, warm hug, I wanted to feel something, and I could not.

I was inhuman. I hated myself, I mean sometimes feelings are the only thing that we have in this world and in richness, but I had them in poor.

But once we started talking, I figured out, why I liked her, I love my friend, the warmth we feel with each other, the feeling of home we feel with each other, I felt she was so relieved being here, with me and with my sister and mother and everything.

And I am so proud of her; she is done with her first year in medicine. My friend I wish you all the best, and I love you, and I am saying this, not because she will be reading this, but I feel like saying it.
Having to go through these bizarre feelings of emotional instability with my friend, my mom is leaving to North Carolina tomorrow, and I think I will break into tears (I never cry when people leave), I mean, she had two jobs before where she lived away from us, but now, I do not think I can take it any longer, damn, I love my mom and I want her home, the whole place had a new feel when she came, even though she was nagging as usual, but ……………….I will try to be stronger, one perquisite to survive in this world. But I must admit, I am getting too tired.

I wrote this today:

الناس رايحه و راجعه
و الگلب مفطور.

ساكنة حب الهوى
و الهوى مفقود.

روحت حبايبي و سفرهم،
مثل نسمة الهوى بالعلالي..إتشيلني،
و تعوفني بلاية هوى...ما موجود..

رجعة و روحه...بالطيارة لو بالريل..
فوك و جوه....
الگلب مهزوز...مهزوز..


still breathing said...

i can totaLLy relate to this.

u can at least fake excitement ..i do that...and it works.

i dunno if there's a better solution/cure.

zmanutdz said...

I had a similar problem with family, I left them for merely a year and I did not believe how distant I felt when I met them again. I was so disappointed with myself when it happened. It happened with friends as well, I could not keep contact when I was away and just was not interested anymore. I feel ashamed about this really, I get occasional emails from them enquiring about me and stuff and they make me feel so low. I start to wonder why they think,bother and write to me while I take ages to read and more time to reply. If I meet them again, maybe I will feel again that link and the shared things we 'had ' together.

I am no poetry critique, but what you are writing is touching me in someway or another.

Maxxed`ouT said...

الكلب ده اللى هو القلب يعنى أتمنى ....

Gilgamish said...

hi still breathing :)

When they left i got the same apathetic feelings, and when i saw her again...

"u can at least fake excitement ..i do that...and it works."

i could not do that, i think there are limits when it comes to acting real feelings. But i did feel the sense of famlairity and warmth.

Hi zmanutdz:

"I had a similar problem with family, I left them for merely a year and I did not believe how distant I felt when I met them again."

With family is a totally different feelings, i did experience a sense of distancing with my parents at one point in my life, but the thing is, when you get older, it seems, at least to me, you get more emotional, and being more emotional exacerbated when i move and leave many people behind, you somehow tend to clinch to family more, as they are the most people you famaliar with, and the most that care for you. It just happens. Even my dad, i've noticed more of a tear dropping accounts of his, and he was always the tough one, there will be a point when everyone needs to cry, which is good, since it is a turning point for more bonding :) This is my experience, but i've talked to other people and some seem to experience this kind of change, it happens.

"I am no poetry critique, but what you are writing is touching me in someway or another."

good you found something in it, i am not all that in arabic, but i felt writing what i felt in arabic, so i have no idea, letting my feelings in the universe, so i can feel better..:D

"الكلب ده اللى هو القلب يعنى أتمنى .... "

Maxxed out, you cracked me up man, i wrote it this way, الگلب and not الكلب see the difference, it reads with a "g" sound as in glass, or galob :D

there is no way its alkalb....:D

Maxxed`ouT said...

أصل تنفع كلب برضه
يعنى مثلاً

"الكلب مهزوز
الكلب مهزوز"

أنا قلت يمكن بيهز ديله من السعاده و الانشراح مثلاً .....

Gilgamish said...

أصل تنفع كلب برضه
يعنى مثلاً

"الكلب مهزوز
الكلب مهزوز"

أنا قلت يمكن بيهز ديله من السعاده و الانشراح مثلاً .....

you can critique of what i wrote more maturely, so thank you very much for your ever so sensitive remarks.

Maxxed`ouT said...

Actually i wasn't critiquing it ..
I like the piece a lot !
Hmmm ..

Gilgamish said...

thanx maxxedout, I just did not get you, no , i am not slow, my perception is different thats all.

The Eyewitness said...

I usually have similar problem to yours Gilgamish and always Zmanutdz problem. But I wanna share my experience about how I think about the similar feelings I have like you GIlgamish.

After long thinking about my emotions and why they change from time to time even with the same persons, I discovered that emotions is not the essence of the point, emotions just trigger us at certain points to build relations and go farther in them, but with emotions alone the relations can never go on. It needs something deeper, and this is what I call the deeper phase of love, and it is to have this kind of inner commitment towards those persons you love, this kind of deep inner and also free commitment, will feed up the emotions in the difficult times when our emotions are seemingly dead.

It is like I no longer care for you because you give me certain emotions whrn I see or think about u, I care for you because I Love you, and emotions is only one aspect of love.

I hope you could get my idea, because I feel I didn't write it clearly.